The One Who Screams in the Desert

[Lackadaisical]

The One Who Screams in the Desert

Hear the voices of the ocean
And my whispers in the forest,
Yet there's no more than plain silence
In the middle of the desert.

Keep running down this city's roads
Overwhelmed by human presence;
Funny how these fools and foes
Hide their true distinctive essence.

Who will hear me in the ocean
When I'm talking in the forest?
Who will listen in the city
If I'm screaming in the desert?

Hateful hissing, loveless letters,
Screaming crowds of mad protesters,
Not one mutes an ardent voice
Wordlessly spreading its rejoice.

[cynwulf]

I liked the feel of this and the trochaic rhythm, though it does occasionally stumble over itself.I didn't fully understand who the subject is or what the angst is all about, perhaps needs to be rather less general/abstract.

Regards, C.

[David]

There are probably a number of things that could be said about this, but just to focus on the most important: I think you need to look at that last line again. I really don't think you can use "rejoice" as a noun there.

If you fix that, it would be a great first step, and you could work backwards from there.

Cheers

David

[RolfGreener]

A city dweller and a lonely one at that. You can feel the sense of being surrounded yet isolated with this piece but I agree with previous notes on the use of 'rejoice' moreover, it doesn't fit with the overall tone.

[jcmcarthy]

Enjoyed it, made my mind wander but then brought me back into the now with the protesters.

I am only a beginner at this critique but liked it a lot. Thanks