The Demon Within (Rev 1)
I am in a strange land; I do not comprehend.
They speak a familiar language but one I can not interpret.
I try to join this band. Today I can.
Yet further ahead I now know, I go my own way.
Has it always been so. Sometimes it seems not.
But when I view from here, the black cloak is there.
As always, hidden, springing forward when summoned,
a beautiful twisted and lonely covering.
Is the gargoyle within me my core, my being.
Waiting to comfort me in it's soulless shroud of grey.
Throwing off the blackness, a veneer of conformity
lurking 'neath the fleshy folds of my normality.
It will pass in time, reluctant yet assured in the knowledge
of longevity. This true spirit deep within
shall return assuredly, never having gone.
This is me, not this shell, but the soul unseen.
The Demon Within
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Ros
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Welcome, Xanadu. Interesting images - I like 'A beautiful twisted and lonely covering' particularly. It would be easier to read if you were more consistent with the punctuation - sometimes you're using full stops and sometimes you're not.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Hi, Xanadu.
I liked fleshy folds of my humanity.
I think some compression and more distinct, concrete images might help to make your piece more engaging.
The punctuation sticks its head above ground right in the first line. I become of aware of it in a way that drags my attention away from the meaning and emotion of the piece. The way punctuation is used should aid not interfere with the meaning and emotion for the reader.
Line 1: I am in a strange land, I do not comprehend
Is the absence of a period a typo?
As punctuated, I find the line ambiguous. The comma is the source.
If the line is meant to be two separate clauses, a semi-colon would be the better mark to use. As two separate clauses it seems to mean you are in a strange land and you do not undersstand the fact that you are in that land.
If the line is meant to mean something more like you are in a strange land and you do not understand that land, then the comma should go.
Cheers
K
I liked fleshy folds of my humanity.
I think some compression and more distinct, concrete images might help to make your piece more engaging.
The punctuation sticks its head above ground right in the first line. I become of aware of it in a way that drags my attention away from the meaning and emotion of the piece. The way punctuation is used should aid not interfere with the meaning and emotion for the reader.
Line 1: I am in a strange land, I do not comprehend
Is the absence of a period a typo?
As punctuated, I find the line ambiguous. The comma is the source.
If the line is meant to be two separate clauses, a semi-colon would be the better mark to use. As two separate clauses it seems to mean you are in a strange land and you do not undersstand the fact that you are in that land.
If the line is meant to mean something more like you are in a strange land and you do not understand that land, then the comma should go.
Cheers
K
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StephenDedalus
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- Joined: Sun Jan 04, 2015 9:49 pm
Hello, as others have said I think you have some interesting imagery. I like "fleshy folds of my normality" in particular as well. I do also agree that you need to work on your punctuation in order to help it read better. One glaring example for me is the lines
"A beautiful twisted and lonely covering
Is the gargoyle within me my core, my being"
Is there meant to be a full stop after covering? I find it quite awkward because as you have written it, without the full stop, it is being read as "a beautiful twisted and lonely covering is the gargoyle within my core, my being". I don't think this is right since the black cloak is the lonely covering. Therefore you need a full stop.
Some lines like "Waiting to comfort in it's soulless shroud of grey" felt a bit off to me as well, waiting to comfort what? My mind wants another word here. I think it's just the order of the words, so maybe play about with that a bit.
"A beautiful twisted and lonely covering
Is the gargoyle within me my core, my being"
Is there meant to be a full stop after covering? I find it quite awkward because as you have written it, without the full stop, it is being read as "a beautiful twisted and lonely covering is the gargoyle within my core, my being". I don't think this is right since the black cloak is the lonely covering. Therefore you need a full stop.
Some lines like "Waiting to comfort in it's soulless shroud of grey" felt a bit off to me as well, waiting to comfort what? My mind wants another word here. I think it's just the order of the words, so maybe play about with that a bit.
Thank you all for your constructive and accurate crit.I woke up one morning with the idea for this piece in my head and hurriedly wrote it out. The words seemed to have a life of their own and just spilled on to the paper. Never having written anything before (but learning quickly) I can see that ideas which seem clear to me, when written, should convey their meaning clearly to the reader. Punctuation plays a big part in this and I can see the ambiguity of some parts because of this. I've taken all on board and have posted the revision.
