A good night out

[mick]

This is my first go at free verse. Istill don't feel comfortable with it at all, but I'd be glad to hear your comments to see whether I'm barking up the right tree.

Two thousand pounds of twisted metal,
Insurance unaffordable,
Head whirring; counts fingers and toes.

A thousand electric blue lights in glass
Reflecting the rave.
He sits,
Counting penalty points,
As the ruby-red runs
Down her lifeless face.

[barrie]

Yes, works quite well.

I don't know if anyone would consider penalty points just after a crash, but as a contrasting example of his priorities, counting points instead of considering his passenger, I like it - elevates the cynicism.

'A thousand electric blue lights in glass
Reflecting the rave.' - This was quite a vivid image.

nice one

Barrie

[mick]

Thanks Barrie. The intention with the penalty points (along with the uninsured vehicle) were a loose inference on the driver's distorted sense of priority, (possibly brought on by "hard" drugs), but I can see I didn't give much of a hint!
Do you think I should give more information? Wanted to keep it short because I admire the ability in others to condense without omission.

Mick.

[barrie]

No, I think it says what it means to say. Like I said, his priorities were emphased by the contrast between death and penalty points - The drugs could possibly be inferred from the mention of the rave, but I don't really think it's that important.

Barrie

[lemony]

ooh yes - it works for me - I like it.

Short, sharp and shocking. I get the 'feeling' of the experience, mentally, physically and visually.

If I had written it I would drop the capital letters from lines 2, 5, 7, 8 & 9 and change the comma at the end of line 2 to a full-stop. But hey, now I'm being pedantic!

I love the final line-break between 'runs' & 'down' - it just works. Well - you took the leap, I think it was worth it.

[AshleyD]

Wow, what a scene! I especially like the closing, leaving the reader with such a hard contrast. I agree with lemony about the caps, it would make it read more easily for me. I think the compactness of the poem is one of its main strenghts, every word seems to carry weight, which makes it an exciting poem to read.

Cheers,
Ashley.

[diva of reality]

This made me shudder - the imagery was so clear. A very stark and abrupt feel as it should be with this sort of subject matter.


Tracey