Daddy (Revised - a bit more)

[Katherine]

Daddy...

You once looked upon my face -
a grainy, grey image.
Your heart leapt as you heard
my heart, for the first time.
I was there, for you to see.
You looked up into my mother's face;
and your tears flowed like hers.
You hugged each other, so happy.

For two decades, you loved me.

Then, I looked upon your face -
a sunken, racked image.
My heart sank as I saw
Your carotid pulse, still.
You were gone from me.
I looked up into my mother's face
and my tears flowed like hers.
We clung to each other, in grief.


...................................................................................................

Daddy...

You once looked upon my face -
a grainy, grey image.
Your heart leapt as you heard
my heart, for the first time.
You looked up into my mother's face;
"She's there!" and your tears flowed like hers.
You hugged each other, so happy.

For two decades, you loved me.

Then, I looked upon your face -
a sunken, racked image.
My heart sank as I saw
Your carotid pulse, still.
I looked up into my mother's face
"He's gone!" and my tears flowed like hers.
We clung to each other, in grief.



I realise I haven't changed it that much and I still have hearts leaping and sinking but, I am sick of looking at it. I hope you approve the small changes. I realise the 'joy' and 'sorrow' are already implicit and I think it is a bit better. Thanks for the input everyone! x


..........................................................................................................




Daddy...

You once looked upon my face -
a grainy, grey image.
Your heart leapt as you heard
my heart, for the first time.
You looked up into my mother's face;
your tears of joy, flowed like hers.
You hugged each other, so happy.

For two decades, you loved me.

Then, I looked upon your face -
a sunken, racked image.
My heart sank as I saw
Your carotid pulse, still.
I looked up into my mother's face
My tears of sorrow, flowed like hers.
We clung to each other, in grief.

[VirtualHerpes]

Being a father myself I associated straight away with the first verse of your poem. It brought back memories of when my own children were born and the joy I felt.
The second verse gave me pause for thought, as I imagined my own children looking into my face and seeing the same.

Very haunting.

Thanks for sharing!

[Katherine]

It sounds like their daddy was much like mine. Lucky children!
I don't want anyone to count me unlucky because of the heartache I felt.
We were blessed - my mother, my brothers and I. x

PS. Pray that it falls out that way for you, though not as prematurely. x

[Arian]

In calling it what you have, you may find it being compared with this rather famous piece.
www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178960

Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily. It may even have been deliberate.

Cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Hi Katherine.
Heartfelt indeed.

And I did like the way you have inverted/changed each line from the first stanza in the second.


But some of the language is a bit too familiar for me I am afraid...at the moment.

Heart sank.
Tears of Joy.
Tears of sorrow.

Would it be an idea to try for some fresher expressions here?


Best wishes, Seth

[JJWilliamson]

Hi Katherine

Your title immediately put me in mind of Sylvia Plath's poem 'Daddy'. Have a look-see if you haven't already studied her poem.
I was extremely interested to see how two women approached this subject from such disparate points of view
and depth of emotion. The contrast is striking.

As to the poem I completely agree with Seth's crit'.

The inverted stanzas are very well done.

Best

JJ

Daddy...

You once looked upon my face -
a grainy, grey image.
Your heart leapt as you heard
my heart, for the first time.
You looked up into my mother's face;
your tears of joy, flowed like hers.
You hugged each other, so happy.

For two decades, you loved me.

Then, I looked upon your face -
a sunken, racked image.
My heart sank as I saw
Your carotid pulse, still.
I looked up into my mother's face
My tears of sorrow, flowed like hers.
We clung to each other, in grief.

[Katherine]

Thanks for responding Arian, I must confess, that I had never heard of, nor read, Sylvia Plath's poem - mea culpa! My inspiration was my own daddy and it was directed toward him. I'm sure Sylvia would forgive me - For the title, not my ignorance. I hope you do too. x

I know what you mean Antcliff, it's rather cliched. I realise it's not 'clever' and perhaps, that lessens the appeal. But, I was deliberately aiming for simplicity and honesty. I hope it works on that level. Thank-you for the feedback. x

[Katherine]

Thank-you JJ. You're very kind. I've read Sylvia Plath's poem now, thanks to Arian. Same title - But, I'm sure 'daddy' has no copyright! x

[Mark101]

Hi Katherine,

I can't really add much that's not already been said. I do agree that "heart sank, tears of joy, tears of sorrow", are quite familiar, but since there's no strict rhyme you need to follow here, I'm sure you can come up with fresher metaphors.

I love the idea of the mirror image and I think you pulled it off extremely well.

As I said, sorry there's nothing new in my comment, but I did just want to let you know that I liked it very much.

Mark

P.S., just read your reply to Arian about going for simplicity. Even as I was writing, I was trying to think of what I might use in place of the said lines, and I could't really come up with anything, it is what it is. Feel free to completely ignore my comment, except the part where I said I liked it LOL

[Katherine]

Thank-you Mark. I'm pleased you liked. I'll have a re-think about the metaphors, since you and Antcliff have both brought it up. I just felt if I tried too hard to be 'clever' and original, some of the authenticity would be lost. I am being to realise, I may be being a little too 'precious' about my poem - I ain't no Sylvia Plath!

[Macavity]

hi Katherine,
Like the two page structure. Familiar expressions do not freshen the subject matter. This doesn't mean writing 'clever' or an overload of imagery, nothing wrong with simple and honest, but at least write 'imaginatively'. Failure is inevitable, but at least fail with ambition

Plath's poem is an example of honest and imaginative writing.

all the best

mac

[Katherine]

Thanks Mac; I'll give it a bash! Here's hoping!

[Arian]

TMy inspiration was my own daddy and it was directed toward him. x

Your piece is just as heartfelt and valid as SP's, Katherine. Just indicating the title clash as a point of interest, not a criticism. Seth's right about the familiar expressions, but - all the same - the depth of feeling comes across very clearly, as you intended. A successful poem on that level.

Cheers
peter

[Katherine]

Cheers Peter. The criticisms are really fair; please don't think I'll take the huff if criticised. I've given the poem a tinker.x

[Macavity]

To be honest Katherine I don't feel the speech improves the poem...it breaks the lines in an intrusive way. But you had a go!

all the best

mac

[Arian]

To be honest Katherine I don't feel the speech improves the poem...

Can't help agreeing. I'm afraid. I'm not sure why, but reported speech in a poem rarely sits well with me. Somehow, it makes reality and literalness intrude into what is, or should be, an elevated world of metaphor. Or something. Don't know what I'm talking about, really. It just doesn't work for me. As mac says, though, good try. I'd be the last person to discourage having a go.

Cheers
peter

[Katherine]

Mac and Peter, you're hard task masters! But, you're right again - it's clumpy!.
I've revised it a bit more.
Thanks for taking the time. x

[Arian]

Yes, that's much cleaner, Katherine. "Clumpy" is a good word for the usual effects of reported speech on a poem.

My heart sank as I saw
Your carotid pulse, still.

Nice couplet, that. Conveys a sense of tension and drama very well.

Cheers
peter

[KevJ]

The second stanza took me back to a sadder time and my own Dad's demise. So this simple honest poem certainly made me feel something. And we can't ask more than that of our poems I think.

Kev

[Macavity]

I think the tweak you've done - simplifying your tears/my tears lines - is a good one.

all the best

mac

[Katherine]

Peter, Kev and Mac thanks. x