Hummage (Revision No.1) with Coleridge original

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Mark101
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Mon May 04, 2015 9:48 pm

Revision No1.

In my back yard did noble queen
A splendid royal palace build:
Where flows a golden river, then
Through corridors untrod by men
Down to her chamber spilled.

So fifty thousand humble slaves
With wax construct these endless caves;

And in my back yard, flush with alfresco rooms,
Where grows a green host of lush fruit laden hands;
And herbaceous borders of fragrant blooms,
Enfolding this idle of secret lands.



But oh! This resplendent wax fortress that hung
Down from the old eaves of our lazy front stoop!
A spot where the late evening sun had just sprung
As heard on the hour, the peel of church bells rang
By local campanologists, in a loop!

And then from this place with eternal thrumming,
As if corridors by themselves were humming,

A tidal wave of black and yellow coursed:
Amid this flow of raging insects burst
Huge columns made of tiny little clones,
Or should I say, of angry looking drones:

And in their minds, the colony as ever,
It's only thought, protect the golden river.

Five times a thousand maddened little honey bees
Through our veranda circled once again,
Then back to corridors, untrod by men,
And disappeared there inside, where no one sees.

And when at last, they all had gone I saw
Ancestral mansions finished years before!

The many splendid most regal homes,
Floated there among the beams
Where full of dripping honey combs,
From the golden rivers' streams.

It came to be written in my “to be” list
A splendid most regal apiarist.


(I hope this has fixed most of the broken meter. I separated the meter changes although Coleridge has this lot as only 2 stanzas. I also managed to quiet most of that dreadful thrumming). :lol:


Coleridge's original

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round;
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher’s flail:
And mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean;
And ’mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!
The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!


My Original

A quick advisory note to anyone with the stamina to brave this rather long offering. It is meant as a fun exercise I set myself after watching events in my garden the other day. A couple of lines came to mind, and before I knew it, I was scribbling away again. If anyone should find this just wrong, Wrong, WRONG, I do apologise, it was not meant to be offensive, just a bit of fun. I hope you enjoy it, but if not, then I will take it down. Mark xx

Hummage


In my back yard did noble queen
A splendid thrumming palace build:
Where flows a golden river, then
Through corridors untrod by men
Down to her chamber spilled.
So fifty thousand humble slaves
With wax construct these endless caves;
And in my garden flush with its many rooms,
Where grows a green host of lush fruit laden hands;
And nearby borders of delicate blooms,
Enfolding peaceful glades in secret lands.

But oh! The splendid thrumming palace which hung
Down from the gable of our lazy front stoop!
A quiet spot, where the evening sun had sprung
As upon the hour the peel of church bells rang
By local campanologists, in a loop!
And from the palace with eternal thrumming,
As though the corridors themselves were humming,
A tidal wave of black and yellow coursed:
Amid this flow of raging workers burst
Huge columns made of tiny little stones,
Or was it that of angry looking drones:
And in their mind the colony as ever
It's only thought, protect the golden river.
Five times a thousand maddened little bees
Through our veranda circled once again,
Then back to corridors untrod by men,
And disappeared inside where no one sees;
And when at last they all had gone I saw
Ancestral palaces built years before!
The splendid thrumming most regal homes,
Floated there among the beams
Where full of dripping honey combs,
From the golden rivers' streams.
It then was put upon my “to be” list,
A splendid regal thrumming apiarist.

Satacol
Last edited by Mark101 on Fri May 08, 2015 9:04 pm, edited 6 times in total.
ray miller
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Tue May 05, 2015 10:00 am

Your protestation that the poem isn't meant to be offensive just serves to make me wonder if I understand the poem at all. I can't see anything remotely offensive unless it thrums with sexual or political metaphors I'm unaware of. Speaking of thrumming, it should be banned.
It's bewildering that the metre changes after 7 lines and

So fifty thousand humble slaves
With wax construct these endless caves; - I can't see why you wouldn't just say construct with wax

a green host of lush fruit laden hands - you mean fruit-laden?
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Mark101
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Tue May 05, 2015 11:31 am

Hi Ray,

No you're quite right. There's nothing offensive about the subject matter or the words used to describe it, sorry if you were disappointed :lol: (After reading such a disclaimer I know I would be straight in there looking for the cause of such offence). There is a reason.

What could be considered offensive is the manner is which the poem is constructed.

For the same reason I couldn't say "constructed with wax", and the meter changes are as they are again, for this reason. Maybe if you look at it in another way, you'll understand why. Enigmatic much? LOL.

I didn't know that it was necessary to hyphenate fruit-laden, I'll go and look it up, thanks.

Thanks at least for taking the time to trawl through it, I do appreciate it. It's a shame you would see it banned, I do like a good thrumming :lol:

Mark
cynwulf
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Tue May 05, 2015 11:45 am

Like the title, enjoyable picture of the wild bees (in all senses of the adjective)
Rhythm seems to stumble here and there eg....
Mark101 wrote:But oh! The splendid thrumming palace which hung
Down from the gable of our lazy front stoop!
I assume nobody from Porlock interrupted your flow.

Best wishes, C.
Katherine
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Tue May 05, 2015 12:13 pm

It stumbled a bit for me too and I didn't understand the title, nor the issue which might cause offence. But, that didn't prevent me from the enjoying your poem Mark. x
Mark101
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Wed May 06, 2015 9:55 am

Hi Cynwulf and Katherine,

Thank you both for your comments.

I'm glad you both liked it, under the circumstances, it tells me I didn't do too bad a job. I know you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, and I'm dying to just blurt it out, but at the same time, I want to wait a little longer, to see if anyone has any deeper incite.

You are both right of course, it does stumble quite a bit, and this was particularly difficult for me, as meter is one of the things I like to have as strict as possible, but as I said before, there is a reason for this.

I'm going to give another clue, (and pretend that anyone cares enough to play this game LOL).

It's all to do with it's parentage!

Mark
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Wed May 06, 2015 10:14 am

No idea about the satacol, but it's based on Coleridge's Xanadu, of course. I haven't checked your rhyme and meter against the original, but as far as I can tell you've done a pretty good job.

This

The splendid thrumming most regal homes,
Floated there among the beams
Where full of dripping honey combs,
From the golden rivers' streams.

is a bit convoluted, and to echo Ray, one thrumming is bad enough (though I see how it would be hard to avoid it here!) but I feel you repeat it too much.

It's an interesting take on the original!

Ros
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JJWilliamson
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Wed May 06, 2015 10:38 am

Hi Mark

I like that title. Is 'hummage' a play on homage?

Your poem reminds me of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's 'Kubla Khan':

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round;
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.


Your meter jumps all over the place but I believe that's a deliberate choice on your behalf. You could stick to I.T. because the opening
lines flow like the 'golden river' :) The content is generally sophisticated and appealing on more than one level. The bees and hive
could easily stand for the remnants of an ancient society, and the literal interp' is there for all to see.

I'll be very interested to see where you take this poem.

Best

JJ

Hummage

In my back yard did noble queen
A splendid thrumming palace build:
Where flows a golden river, then
Through corridors untrod by men
Down to her chamber spilled.
So fifty thousand humble slaves
With wax construct these endless caves;
And in my garden flush with its many rooms,
Where grows a green host of lush fruit laden hands;
And nearby borders of delicate blooms,
Enfolding peaceful glades in secret lands.

But oh! The splendid thrumming palace which hung
Down from the gable of our lazy front stoop!
A quiet spot, where the evening sun had sprung
As upon the hour the peel of church bells rang
By local campanologists, in a loop!
And from the palace with eternal thrumming,
As though the corridors themselves were humming,
A tidal wave of black and yellow coursed:
Amid this flow of raging workers burst
Huge columns made of tiny little stones,
Or was it that of angry looking drones:
And in their mind the colony as ever
It's only thought, protect the golden river.
Five times a thousand maddened little bees
Through our veranda circled once again,
Then back to corridors untrod by men,
And disappeared inside where no one sees;
And when at last they all had gone I saw
Ancestral palaces built years before!
The splendid thrumming most regal homes,
Floated there among the beams
Where full of dripping honey combs,
From the golden rivers' streams.
It then was put upon my “to be” list,
A splendid regal thrumming apiarist.

Satacol[/quote]
Long time a child and still a child
Mark101
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Wed May 06, 2015 10:46 am

:D :lol: :P

First prize to Ros.

Hello Ros,

I'm so glad you got it, it was killing me to keep it in LOL.

I started off with the first couple of lines, then before I knew it, I was trying to go through the whole thing. Thankfully I stopped before the last 2 Stanzas.
I did I think keep, syllable for syllable to the original, start each line with the original starting word, and use the same rhyme scheme, even down to the half rhymes Coleridge uses in places.

The title "Hummage" I liked because it pertains to bees, but also it's a play on "Homage" to Satacol. Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

I wrote the disclaimer because I didn't want anyone to think I had plagiarised such a great work and passed it off as my own, it was just a bit of fun for me to exercise my brain and my writing skills.

Thanks again Ros for your comments, another down vote for "thrumming", poor thing, never mind, I still love you :lol:

Mark
Last edited by Mark101 on Wed May 06, 2015 8:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Mark101
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Wed May 06, 2015 10:58 am

Hi JJ,

I think both you and Ros, got there at about the same time, but I saw Ros' comment first.

You do however, get the prize for guessing the title.

As I said to Ros, I tried to keep syllable for syllable to the original, which for me at least seems also to jump around a bit with the meter, but it's not an exact word count, so I think that's why it produced this effect with the meter in my version.

I don't know where to go with it really. I only really intended it to be an exercise, but then when I finished, I quite liked it. But, to cut things or change too much would dilute the depth of "copying" from the original. I'll see what can be done. Please if you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to suggest lol.

Thanks again JJ,

Mark
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Wed May 06, 2015 11:31 am

The problem I think, with all these things, is that you need to keep to the original form (and sticking to the syllables and rhymes is impressive!) - but you also need to make each word count in *your* poem, so that the reader knows they're not there just to make the scheme work. It's a very difficult thing, and rather you than me!

Ros
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JJWilliamson
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Wed May 06, 2015 1:10 pm

Hi again, Mark

Yes, I think Ros is right. You should keep the original meter so forget about my idea of maintaining I.T. all the way through.

Writing in the style of somebody is a tricky trick to be sure but it's well worth the effort.

Good luck with it, Mark

Best

JJ
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Mark101
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Wed May 06, 2015 8:01 pm

Thank you, both Ros and JJ,

I do completely take your point Ros, it has to be coherent in and of itself and I do intend to revise it some, but it's really hard :lol: my poor brain was thrumming lol. Ok, ok, I might even try to trim some of the thrumming (but I have to keep the odd one here 'n' there, I do so like it).

Thanks to both once again, I appreciate your comments.

Mark
Mark101
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Wed May 06, 2015 8:17 pm

P.S. to Cynwulf,

I didn't get the Porlock thing, do they have lazy front stoops there? lol
cynwulf
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Mon May 18, 2015 2:50 pm

G'day Mark,
never been there so don't know what state the front stoops may be in... I was referring to Coleridge's claiming he was interrupted by a person from Porlock while writing KK as he had received the whole poem while dreaming (probably opium induced). He was only partly thru when he went to answer a knock on the door by a visitor from P. When he got back to writing the poem he found the rest had vanished from his mind and the poem remained incomplete. Stevie Smith has written a poem responding to C, doubting his story in a kindly, witty way.
Best, C.
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Mon May 18, 2015 9:10 pm

I've got to be honest, I had no idea your poem was using kubla khan as a template the first time I read it. But reading it now after having read kubla khan, it is a fantastic feat you have pulled off. I couldn't even imagine trying such an endevour myself. My hat goes off to you.

Thanks for a great read.

All my best,

Firebird
Mark101
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Tue May 19, 2015 9:48 am

Good Morning Cynwulf and Firebird,

I didn't know that little snippet about being C being interrupted, wish I had, I could have thought of something so much funnier as a response. Thanks for sharing C.

Firebird, thank you so much for your kind words. I did get a bit obsessed for a few days with it, but I think (though I say so myself), it yielded something not half bad.

Incidentally, I'm quite sure if you tried, you could easily manage it. I found it a really interesting exercise and quite fun too.

Best regards to you both

mark
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