With the blind at half mast,
morning casts a new light
across the night-time gloom of my room.
Despite a drowsy fight,
my empty gaze is taken by the sight
of sunlight stroking chimney stacks.
Cold air cracks through
the inched open window,
dancing up my goose-bumped arms.
Pillow propped, hands warmed
by a cupped coffee mug,
my slow sleepy fug slides away.
Gay birdsong melody,
tripping through the bass-line of traffic,
making fine morning music.
The sky slipping from blue to grey,
the day mood-swings its way towards rain,
dripping diamonds on my window pane.
Morning Song
hi there lemony,
nice poem.
few nits though, generally you use rhyme when there is no need, and I found it rather decreased my enjoyment of an otherwise beautiful picture. You don't need the rhymes where you have put them, they draw attention to themselves. Is that intentional? Is there a particular rhyming scheme that asks for this? I don't know but if there is, I'd be grateful for the info.
With the blind at half mast,
morning casts a new light
across the night-time gloom of my room.
mast and cast was what I meant, didnt understand the reason for the rhyme. Gloom and room are another.
Despite a fight, my empty
gaze is taken by the sight
of sunlight stroking chimney stacks.
I didnt understand what fight N is referring to?
Cold air cracks through
the inched open window,
dancing up my goose-bumped arms.
nice
Pillow propped, hands warmed
by a cupped coffee mug,
my slow sleepy fug slides away.
Gay birdsong melody,
tripping through the bass-line of traffic,
making fine morning music.
gay birdsong and fine morning are just too too cliche.
You know you could probably tighten this up quite a bit and retain its beauty.
the sky slipping from blue to grey,
the day mood-swings its way towards rain,
dripping diamonds on my window pane.
try using slips and trips and drips instead of slipp-ing etc.
best of luck
khansaa
[/i]
nice poem.
few nits though, generally you use rhyme when there is no need, and I found it rather decreased my enjoyment of an otherwise beautiful picture. You don't need the rhymes where you have put them, they draw attention to themselves. Is that intentional? Is there a particular rhyming scheme that asks for this? I don't know but if there is, I'd be grateful for the info.
With the blind at half mast,
morning casts a new light
across the night-time gloom of my room.
mast and cast was what I meant, didnt understand the reason for the rhyme. Gloom and room are another.
Despite a fight, my empty
gaze is taken by the sight
of sunlight stroking chimney stacks.
I didnt understand what fight N is referring to?
Cold air cracks through
the inched open window,
dancing up my goose-bumped arms.
nice
Pillow propped, hands warmed
by a cupped coffee mug,
my slow sleepy fug slides away.
Gay birdsong melody,
tripping through the bass-line of traffic,
making fine morning music.
gay birdsong and fine morning are just too too cliche.
You know you could probably tighten this up quite a bit and retain its beauty.
the sky slipping from blue to grey,
the day mood-swings its way towards rain,
dripping diamonds on my window pane.
try using slips and trips and drips instead of slipp-ing etc.
best of luck
khansaa
[/i]
Didn't strike me that you were trying to make it rhyme. Sometimes they just happen, don't they? I read the "fight" as your battle to wake up. I might have used "cold air creeps" but that would depend on just how cold it was. Loved the idea of it "dancing up my goose-bumped arms", also "dripping diamonds on my window pane". Nice mood to the scene. Envious of your mornings if that's how they are.
Good one.
Mick.
Good one.
Mick.
-
benjywenjy
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
hey
really liked it. The tone and the images portrayed were really nice. Some excellent images in particular the wind danicng up your arm and the rain as diamonds...
really nice, and I'd agree with Mick it seems the rhymes are happening unintentionally and dont spoil the thing at all
benjy
really liked it. The tone and the images portrayed were really nice. Some excellent images in particular the wind danicng up your arm and the rain as diamonds...
really nice, and I'd agree with Mick it seems the rhymes are happening unintentionally and dont spoil the thing at all
benjy
hi, good poem, how about...
With the blind at half mast
morning casts, new light
on what was night time gloom.
Or..
Early birdsong melody,
tripping through the bass-line of traffic
creating bright morning music.
I don't know, i do try, (some say, "very trying" haha. AC.
With the blind at half mast
morning casts, new light
on what was night time gloom.
Or..
Early birdsong melody,
tripping through the bass-line of traffic
creating bright morning music.
I don't know, i do try, (some say, "very trying" haha. AC.