First ever Poem

[robocop]

I can hear the screams and shouts, will I ever live again? I start to have my doubts. No one can ever know the fear I felt, I was weak and without power; unable to play the hand I had been dealt. Keen not to be a statistic, but the world is full of sadistics. I knelt hoping not to be seen, turns out I was just naive. I did not have experience with something so obscene. I hear the sound of my death, I start to take my final breath. What was once fresh and clean, is now covered with a crimson sheen. What was white has turned to red, never to be the same again.

[David Smedley]

Hello R, The piece was mostly lost to abstraction (for me). All I get on reading the piece is questions, ie, What are the "screams and the shouts." How can I know the "fear you feel" when I do not know what it is that is causing that fear. Why were you "weak" and without "power." What was once "fresh and clean." Ect, etc, ect. There is no discernible setting to the poem to give context to any of the content.

The rhyme comes across as "forced" to me, you can look up "forced rhyme" to get more in depth information on the subject.

Cut superfluous words when possible,
"I can hear the screams and shouts, will I ever live again? I start to have my doubts." for instance could be cut to read (without losing clarity),
I hear screams and shouts, will I ever live again? I have my doubts.

Explore "present tense" it gives more immediacy to a poem.

The link below is worth reading.

http://www.valpo.edu/vpr/mcdonaldessay.html

David.

[Mark101]

Hello Robocop,

I have to agree with David. I hope, since you list this as "First ever Poem", that you will not be discouraged by any of the comments people might make here. It is only opinion, but I have always found that the folks here, know what they're talking about.

Firstly I was puzzled by your layout for the piece. Was it intentional to have it as a paragraph instead of the more usual line by line layout? If so, I'm not sure it brought anything extra to the poem and for me at least, it made it a little harder to read.

I think I get the idea you're trying to put across, but as David said, there is no event we can latch on to, no concrete image that we can say aahhhhh, now I know what he means. This could be anything from the pain of a lost love to your assassination for treason, we just don't know. There is plenty of emotion and energy here, but nothing to hang it on.

Trimming the unnecessary words is one thing, but you should try to inject some imagery and give us a background as to why all that you mention, is happening.

One of the processes that we all (should) do, is revising our poems. Normally I always write EVERYTHING down, more or less is one go so that I get everything out that I want to say. Then I go back and cut all the extra bits and fiddle with this and that, until I have something I think is more or less what I want. Then I post it here and wait for the sage advice of others, to get clues as to how I might improve it further.

Why not see what you can do with it now, play around with it and see what happens.

Hope you don't mind too much my comments.

Best regards
Mark

[Tryptych]

Hi, I agree with the comment before about the layout of the poem. If it wasn't intentional then I'd recommend converting it into the standard line by line style. Also, I fear that I cannot understand what the meaning of the poem is. I find it to be, much like David said before me, too abstract. Perhaps you could add to this and make it a little clearer on what it is that you are writing about.

~ Tryptych

[Moth]

I think this is more of a rap than a poem, in which case this is the line which works best:

Keen not to be a statistic, but the world is full of sadistics.

Abstract, it may be but I get the drift, so don't let the constructive criticism put you off; embark on writing of any sort and you're forever on a learning curve. The thing with abstractions is that they come all too easy, say when someone asks you how you feel, most folk answer in cliches, but the cliche is rarely, if ever, the full extent of the truth. To make people sit up and take notice you've got to delve deeper, say something unique, or very, very real. Here for instance - 'I hear the screams and shouts' - what screams and shouts? A hard hitting urban scenario might include the odd expletive; so try following with something like "Die, you ****" juxtaposed against the softer , pleading "Don't let him die." Think in real time, the sounds, sights, smells of the scene as it unfolds. I have no doubt you'll get there.

[Arian]

I think moth's right, this seems to be intended as a rap lyric. If so, it has some nice sonics on a line-by-line basis, as you might expect from rap. But the lines, for me, don't gel into a coherent whole - there's no attempt (that I can see) at a vaguely accessible narrative, or any kind of point. And even rap, or good rap, tries to make a point.

Cheers
Peter