Surrender

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Stumbling my way through life,
living in an alien house,
a stranger sleeps next to me;
a stranger who's my spouse.

A year back my family
had shrunk from three to two,
silence has now replaced
the boy I gave birth to.

The grief in his father's eyes
begs me to heal all his scars.
I extend my arms to learn
he has drifted off too far.

The flames of our sorrow
setting our worlds on fire;
the world that was charred
along with our son's pyre.

'For better or for worse'-
we agreed upon that clause
yet, the ring on my finger
seems like a lost cause.

One last plead to St. Jude,
before falling on my knees;
I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me.

[ray miller]

Pretty good, I think. I struggled with the metre in a few places, but nothing drastic.

Stumbling my way through life,
living in an alien house,
a stranger sleeps next to me;
a stranger who's my spouse.

A year back my family - A year ago flows better
had shrunk from three to two,
silence has now replaced
the boy I gave birth to.

The grief in his father's eyes
begs me to heal all his scars.
I extend my arms to learn
he has drifted off too far.

The flames of our sorrow
setting our worlds on fire;
the world that was charred
along with our son's pyre. - I found this verse a bit ungainly, worlds go from plural to singular. I wonder if you need this verse at all.

'For better or for worse'-
we agreed upon that clause
yet, the ring on my finger
seems like a lost cause.

One last plead to St. Jude, - I like the lost cause/St Jude connection
before falling on my knees;
I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me.

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Ray Miller,
Thanks for your comments. They are much appreciated.

[Luce]

Sad poem not only about a loved one's death but the death of a marriage. Piece done in alternating rhyme. Most of the time I detect 3 beats per line. Not sure if you meant this in meter or not. Syllable lines vary from 6 to 8

Favorite lines:

I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me.

Stumbling my way through life,
living in an alien house,
a stranger sleeps next to me;
a stranger who's my spouse.

Not crazy about the opening stanza. Starting off with two gerund in the first two lines is not a strong start. I'd make them verbs instead. However, even if you did change the first line to "I stumble my way through life", you're using a pretty worn out cliché with many meanings to boot.

A year back my family
had shrunk from three to two,
silence has now replaced
the boy I gave birth to.

I'd put "our" instead of "my" and "son" instread of "boy". Sounds more personal and "our" indicates it just wasn't the N's loss.

Line three and four of this stanza sound kind of forced. It reads as if you got caught in your rhymes.

The grief in his father's eyes
begs me to heal all his scars.
I extend my arms to learn
he has drifted off too far.

I'd put "find" instead of "learn".

The flames of our sorrow
setting our worlds on fire;
the world that was charred
along with our son's pyre.

Is sorrow really hot? Isn't it more of a pressing weight? I can't help but think you got trapped in your rhymes again.

'For better or for worse'-
we agreed upon that clause
yet, the ring on my finger
seems like a lost cause.

Period after "clause". Capital "y" for "Yet," Again you seemed to have gotten trapped in your rhymes. The stanza talks about a vow that was taken but may be hard to observe. The ring is just the symbol of that promise. Therefore, maybe saying this would be better:

"Yet, the ring on my finger
may stand for a lost cause".

One last plead to St. Jude,
before falling on my knees;
I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me.

Kind of odd to plead to St. Jude and THEN fall to your knees. You would think the N is on his knees to St. Jude already.
Maybe saying it this way would make the action flow better:

"One last plead to St. Jude
but I stay on my knees
I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me."


Luce

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Luce,
Thank you so much for your suggestions! They are much appreciated.

[justforkix]

The irregular meter jars. specific points below:

Stumbling my way through life,
living in an alien house,
a stranger sleeps next to me;
a stranger who's my spouse. .....two 'stranger's in two lines

A year back my family
had shrunk from three to two,
silence has now replaced
the boy I gave birth to.

The grief in his father's eyes
begs me to heal all his scars. .......if the two of your are 'sleeping', can you really see his eyes? contradicts first stanza
I extend my arms to learn
he has drifted off too far. .........contradicts the 'begs me to heal'

The flames of our sorrow
setting our worlds on fire;
the world that was charred
along with our son's pyre. ............this is a hyperbolic stanza that adds nothing to the poem. the subject of the poem is such that understatement will work better.

'For better or for worse'-
we agreed upon that clause
yet, the ring on my finger
seems like a lost cause. .........'clause' and 'cause' rhyme clunkily

One last plead to St. Jude,
before falling on my knees;
I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me. .............the entire meter in this stanza is off

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Justforkix,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are appreciated.

[JJWilliamson]

Quite the gut wrenching read, HWP

The sentiment is beautifully portrayed and achingly painful as you describe the loss
of an only child. I found this difficult to read and if this is a true story my heart goes out to you.
To lose a child and a relationship is something from which there seems to be no return
but hopefully some semblance of normality will creep back into your lives. Don't ask me how.

I know there's nothing I can say so I'll focus on the meter. Hope that's ok.

There are a few metrical bumps that prevent the reader from gliding through the poem effortlessly,
acting as a distraction to the flow. I think this is one of those occasions where flawless meter
would help the poem.

Please bear in mind this is definitely my opinion only. Please disregard as you see fit.

Stumbling/ my way/ through life, ...troche/iamb/iamb/ no problems. Three stresses.
living in an alien house, ...I can stress this a couple of ways ...LIV/ing IN/ an AL/ien HOUSE/ headless iamb followed by two iambs and an anapest, which would be fine by me. However, it becomes a tad confusing when two of the feet are not standard iambs. That said, the last foot could easily be naturally elided by the reader to give an iamb. Other scansions could be, LIVing/ in an/ ALien/HOUSE OR LIVing/ IN an/ ALien/HOUSE. I prefer the first scan with an elided 'alien'.
a stranger sleeps next to me; ...Again this line could carry three or four stresses. I see it as, a STRAN/ger sleeps NEXT/ to ME. OR a STRAN/ger SLEEPS NEXT/ to ME
a stranger who's my spouse. ...a STRAN/ger WHO'S/my SPOUSE/ ...three iambs. Fine by me.
So, there's a lot going on in four lines and there are other ways to read this. So why all the fuss? It actually reads quite well, I just think it could be smoother.

A year back my family ...You could change 'A' to 'One' if you want four stresses. I could make a case for three stresses.
had shrunk from three to two, ...Three iambs and three stresses. Fine by me.
silence has now replaced ...troche, iamb, iamb. Fine
the boy I gave birth to. ...This is tricky to scan. I naturally stress boy and birth. Stressing 'to' doesn't seem right to me.

As the poem progresses you use tetrameter-trimeter combinations (ballad meter) with the odd line of triple/anapestic meter making an appearance. I think more consistency would help. Ballad meter often uses 4:3 stresses EG, Young BIL/ko SAID/ to PETE/ the KNIFE // your PAS/ta TASTES/ like MUD/ So 4:3 is quite common as is 4:4. It's up to you, of course.

I'll stop there, because I might be missing your intent. If you'd like a full scansion, as I read it, say but the word.

The grief in his father's eyes
begs me to heal all his scars.
I extend my arms to learn
he has drifted off too far.

The flames of our sorrow
setting our worlds on fire;
the world that was charred
along with our son's pyre.

'For better or for worse'-
we agreed upon that clause
yet, the ring on my finger
seems like a lost cause.

One last plead to St. Jude,
before falling on my knees;
I belong to the ground now
and it belongs to me.

It's always difficult to know how much detail is too much detail, but if you'd like a full critique I'm willing to oblige. If not, no problems.
I was almost overwhelmed by the sentiments and the tragedy they represent.

You could leave this poem as is, but a few nudges would make a difference.

All the best

JJ

[Halfwrittenpoem]

JJWilliamson,
Thank for going through the post. This is- fortunately, not autobiographical. It's just an emotion I wanted to experiment with.
I do agree with the inconsistent meter and your suggestions are very much helpful and any more suggestions are always welcome.
Thanks again for critiquing.

[trobbo44]

There is so much about this poem that resonates with me. I like the gentleness of death and life travelling toward death are portrayed. The metre does require a little adjustment, but other than that, a sensitively scribed poem