Communication - Revised

[SteveR]

Communication

On my window sill rests
a nesting grey dove.

She looks at me unmoving,
secure in the hard transparency
which has become
our tacit agreement.

One day I slowly open the window.
She flies






Communication

Outside my window
resting on the sill
is a nesting grey dove.

I watch her daily.
She looks at me unmoving,
secure in the hardness
of the transparency
which has become
our tacit agreement.

One day I slowly open the window.
She flies





Communication

Outside my window
resting on the sill
is a nesting grey dove.

I watch her daily.
She looks at me unmoving,
secure in the hardness of the transparency
which has become a tacit agreement.

One day I slowly open the window.
She flies.

[Macavity]

hi Steve

Like it. The action signifies the breaking of the 'agreement', an awareness of the transgression conveyed in slowly. The fact the agreement was tacit adds to the weight of the initial understanding of boundaries as does the 'transparency'. Observe, but do not touch. Parallels with human relationships can be drawn. The fact the bird is nesting adds to its wariness and need for security. Its place of rest now lost. The defined parameters of communication breached. In that sense the limits were misunderstood.

I presumed you used 'grey' to signify ordinariness.

best

mac

[ray miller]

I like the poem, all but in the hardness of the transparency, which goes on too long, in contrast to the remainder.
You might use our tacit agreement.

[Firebird]

I like your poem too. I agree with what Ray says about the length of line 6, but not keen on his suggestion as I think 'transparency' carries a lot of meaning in this poem. Why not have a line break on 'hardness'. If the line ended on 'hardness' it would also emphasise the words meaning, which I think would complement part of your overall meaning here: transparency is difficult to achieve and not easily maintained. Maybe it could be 'of such transparency'. Only a suggestion of course.

Unfortunately, my suggestion about breaking up L6 has an affect on line 7, which I think would probably need a break on 'become'.

Hope this helps a little.

The more I think about your poem the more I like it. The image works so well. I really like it.

Cheers,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

Liked the poem for all the reasons mentioned in the other crit's. A pleasure to read.

Here's one possibility for suggested line breaks.

Best

JJ

Communication

Outside my window
resting on the sill
is a nesting grey dove.

I watch her daily.
She looks at me unmoving,
secure in the hardness
of the transparency
which has become
a tacit agreement.

One day I slowly open the window.
She flies.

[TonyMac]

One of those poems where you feel "ahhh" and wonder why the nesting bird had to be disturbed by the breaking of an understanding between two parties. I feel the poem runs at a few different levels with subtle differences of interpretation. An interesting read.

[SteveR]

Thank you Mac, Ray, Tristan, and JJ and TonyMac for the helpful crits. I very much appreciate it. I do feel changing to "our tacit agreement" is stronger and I see how much better it is to change the line breaks.

Thanks!

Steve

[Pauline]

Liked the poem for all the reasons mentioned in the other crit's. A pleasure to read.

I agree.

Here's one possibility for suggested line breaks

Outside my window
resting on the sill
is a nesting grey dove.

I watch her daily.
She looks at me unmoving,
secure in the hardness
of the transparency
which has become
a tacit agreement.

One day I slowly open the window.
She flies

I agree.
The line breaks work much better

I do feel changing to "our tacit agreement" is stronger

I agree.

Lovely poem.
Thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Pauline.

[SteveR]

Thank you Pauline!
I appreciate your thoughts. You and the others have helped me see those nuances that make it much better.

[trobbo44]

A broken moment, one that cannot be recovered once breached. I think the stillness could have been slightly more developed, the poem needs that length to show that tacit depth between the two voyeurs. Just my opinion

[SteveR]

Trobbo,

An excellent point that I had not considered! I will ponder that.

Thanks!

Steve

[David]

I like this one too, Steve. I just have one suggestion, which is that you could - only could, mind you - replace the "the x of the y" formula of "the hardness of the transparency" with simply "hard transparency".

I'm not saying it's better, but it is something you might usefully consider, at least.

Cheers

David

[SteveR]

David,
I like that suggestion. Thank you!
Steve

[Firebird]

I like your revision. You could still take it a little further I think (see below), though I really like it as it is.

I've come back to this poem a week later and still really like it. Excellent.

I also really like those 'c' sounds and final 't' sound in the second stanza; they emphasise the hardness.

Cheers,

Tristan

Communication

On my window sill
nests a grey dove.

She looks at me
unmoving, secure
in the hard transparency
which has become
our tacit agreement.

One day, I slowly open the window.
She flies.

[David Smedley]

On my window sill rests
a nesting grey dove.

She looks at me unmoving,
secure in the hard transparency
which has become
our tacit agreement.

One day I slowly open the window.
She flies

Hiya Steve, I could not get to grips with the dove both resting and nesting at the same time, if you choose nesting then the reader will have to believe that the dove has built a nest on the windowsill which is possible, but what is not (believable) is that you would open the window and put the nesting in jeopardy.

Another thing that struck me is how you knew the dove as "female" and why you felt the poem needed "she" instead of "it." For instance, is it known that only the female grey dove sits on the eggs in a nest?

"She flies" seems a little passive.

David.

[SteveR]

thank you David. Excellent points I will consider
Steve