Transition

[SteveR]

Transition

Rain rolls off the cobblestones
as it does my head,
more easily now with the passage of time
downward along contours, indentations
soaking my Harris tweed.

A stiff bird drifts among discarded debris
shreds of paper, plastic, cigarette butts,
opaque eyes unaware
as it tumbles
into the gaping drain.

The stones, the street, the buildings
will have been long replaced
by the time this rain merges
with its source aquafer
thousands of feet underground.

The clouds seemed so far off
in the brilliant blue sky of youth
when suns and moons simply marked days
and the natural order of life,
youth, adulthood, job, marriage.

They arrived deceptively white and buoyant
gradually darkening,
at the end of day
bending low to the ground
in a wet grey wool.

I plod along the steep incline
to the top of the street.
My feet have slowed, breathing labored.
I adjust my umbrella as a shield against the rain
bend over to catch my breath
watch my footprints disappear.

[Boat]

Hello, Steve.

Just a quick response for now as I'll have no problem coming back to this excellent poem to read it again and give further thoughts. For now though all i can say is that it's a very easy read and drew me on till I had finished it. Very nice poem.

Rear Guards.

[Ros]

I like the way this moves from the present to the future and past. Does it really take that long for rain to hit the aquifer? fascinating.

The later images of clouds etc are perhaps a bit impersonal, so I get a general feel of dissatisfaction rather than knowing the specifics, but the mood works well.

Ros

[ray miller]

I like the poem. There's a fine progression to it. I can't get my head round indentations soaking my Harris tweed. Does that make sense, is it just me?

They arrived deceptively white and buoyant
gradually darkening,

I'd go for darkened, just for buoyant/ darkened sound effect.

[Boat]

Hello, Steve.

I still like this peom a lot.

First verse, I assumed there should be a comma after 'indentations', as I assumed you were still talking about the condition of his head/face? If not then I, like Ray, don't get 'indentations soaking my Harris tweed'.

Your use of 'opaque' in the second verse doesn't convey much other than the meaning of the word. I'd try to find another that's more descriptive, I have one in mind that might work but i'll not suggest incase you don't want to change or if you might prefer to find it/one yourself.

Third verse, 'the stones, the street, the buildings', I know it's cobbled but maybe a quick detail, perhaps just one word, on what kind of buildings? I think would give a better visual to the reader.

The last verse, the word 'plod', although apt doesn't convey much of the struggle I sense he's having getting to the top of the incline.

In other words not too much wrong with it for me, you could even just write me off as pedantic, lol.

Cheers for a lovely poem.

[SteveR]

Ros, Ray, and Boat,

Oh! YES! I much appreciate your observations!

Ros,
I am struggling with the cloud thing as well, so thanks for mentioning it. Was the mood too dark?
Yes, in some cases it takes hundreds or thousands of years to make it back to the aquifer

Ray,
You are absolutely correct! Thanks for pointing that out. Would a comma after indentations work enough to separate the face from suit?
I agree on the word darkened. Yes, it makes it better.

Boat,
You are not pendantic! LOL I'm open to your suggestion instead of opaque. I had thought of lifeless, dead, etc.
I also will play with the street and buildings.


I apologize that I do not have the time to work on the revision today, but hope to before the end of week.

Cheers

Steve

[Boat]

Opaque, perhaps frosted instead?...Perhaps not?

[Arian]

That's an excellent first verse, really good, even though it reads like its the indentations, not the rain, that are soaking your clothes.

In fact I like all of it. Many good lines, and - as others have noted - a nice progression.

Did you mean aquifer?

Cheers
Peter

[TonyMac]

I feel that there are some rather clever touches. In particular you never say you are (getting?) old. Nor do you say you are (nearly?) bald. The overall picturing of a scene and implied associated feelings IMO is very well done

[trobbo44]

Good use of euphemisms for the ageing process. A good, flowing poem. But, I agree with Ros, some parts are a little too impersonal for such a subjective matter

[Suzanne]

This is very good, Beginner Poet.
Are you happy with it six months later?

Got anything new?

Warmly,
Suzanne