She’s killing herself
Little by little
It doesn’t take long
For the effect to begin
Yet sooner for it to be gone
The beautiful snow
Turns her ugly
She’s killing herself
Her body fades away
Drowned in white
Her life turns
Crystal is it all
She’s killing herself
Aware of it
Again she turns to it
Her last moment
Was the sight
Of the beautiful
Broken White
She killed herself
beautiful snow
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Jester
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Hi I L L a D, and welcome. I felt your poem would benefit from some descriptive stuff about what she is seeing around her - things that she'd be losing (possibly stuff going through her mind as she goes too). Nice first post though. I look forward to reading more from you.
Thanks for posting.
Mick.
Thanks for posting.
Mick.
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merciful evans
the poem seems written from the point of view of a reporter, or voyeur. nothing wrong with that, but i couldnt feel for the junkie at all, and feel i should have done.
Heya Dragon,
I liked your poem, I think it explores some really deep territory. I liked the ending especially, the way you used the word 'broken' engaged my mind pleasantly. I do wish (seconding Mick's suggestion) that you had anchored that with some more visual/specific imagery.The word 'ugly' for example, was sort of abstract for my taste.
Perhaps showing the reader an image would evoke the response instead of telling about it. Rusty needles, trainspotted arms, a red drop dripping from a nose.. something nitty gritty to imprint the message on the reader's mind. Just a thought.
I think maybe L12 could be rearranged to break on 'crystal'. For me this would be a stronger word to end the line on, so would carry more impact.
I liked it, and do also look forward to the next!
Cheers,
Ashley
I liked your poem, I think it explores some really deep territory. I liked the ending especially, the way you used the word 'broken' engaged my mind pleasantly. I do wish (seconding Mick's suggestion) that you had anchored that with some more visual/specific imagery.The word 'ugly' for example, was sort of abstract for my taste.
Perhaps showing the reader an image would evoke the response instead of telling about it. Rusty needles, trainspotted arms, a red drop dripping from a nose.. something nitty gritty to imprint the message on the reader's mind. Just a thought.
I think maybe L12 could be rearranged to break on 'crystal'. For me this would be a stronger word to end the line on, so would carry more impact.
I liked it, and do also look forward to the next!
Cheers,
Ashley