Smoke Revision-1

[Halfwrittenpoem]

She lies beside me at night
on the cool beach sand,
lungs intoxicated by that
lit cigarette in her hand.

She narrates the bygone stories,
I meet her friends and folk,
taking long drags every interval
she corrupts the breeze with smoke.

She turns to me with a grin,
her lips: cracked and rough,
but before I can caress them,
she pulls away for a puff.

Consumed in her relationship,
once again she fails to see;
what cigarettes are to her,
she has always been to me.


Original- http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopi ... 20&t=21682

[Firebird]

I really like the final stanza. But unfortunately the rest sound a little like padding to get to this point. I do quite like the penultimate stanza though too. Maybe you could cut the first two stanzas. Only a suggestion mind you and others may totally disagree. It quite an endearing little poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

[David]

Hello, Halfwrittenpoem. Do you have a proper name? It's so difficult to engage with a pseudonym like that.

I don't think lungs can be intoxicated, can they?

taking long drags every interval
she corrupts the breeze with smoke

- not sure about "every interval", or about corrupting the breeze.

Does anyone caress lips? The first two lines in this stanza are a bit of a jumble.

But ... a clever ending. Worth finding a better way of getting there. (So, pretty much what Tristan said. But with added details.)

Cheers

David

[Katherine]

There's something in this. It reminds me of 'The Graduate', when Mrs Robinson holds in the smoke, while Ben kisses her.
The rhythm is a bit off. Try playing around with it. x

[ray miller]

She lies beside me at night
on the cool beach sand,
lungs intoxicated by that
lit cigarette in her hand. - don't think you need lit

She narrates the bygone stories,
I meet her friends and folk, - I got the impression here that this is a new relationship, when the last verse reveals it isn't
taking long drags every interval
she corrupts the breeze with smoke. - to corrupt....?

She turns to me with a grin,
her lips: cracked and rough, - you don't need the colon
but before I can caress them,
she pulls away for a puff.

Consumed in her relationship, - there might be a better alternative to consumed somewhere out there
once again she fails to see;
what cigarettes are to her,
she has always been to me.


Original- http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopi ... 20&t=21682

[bodkin]

Hi HWP,

I like the idea of this a lot, however the execution is maybe a bit emotionally remote, we're not really feeling what the N is feeling.

One thing, in a sentence like this:

"She lies beside me at night
on the cool beach sand,
lungs intoxicated by that
lit cigarette in her hand."

The "She" at the start makes it like the poet addressing the reader, which reduces the immediacy. e.g. because it is conversation rather than experience...

If you do something as simple as:

"Beside me at night
on the cool beach sand,
lungs intoxicated by that
lit cigarette in her hand."

Then this is far more in the head of the narrator and thus comes across as more immediate. (And if you can contrive to make the "me" implicit as well then that would be even better, maybe: "Side-by-side at night...")

Regards,

Ian

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Tristian- Glad you liked the last stanza! I understand that my first two stanzas are a bit weak and I plan to work on them. Thanks for your critique.

David- Yes, my name is Sargam Thanks for your detailed critique. You have made some really good points.

Katherine- I'm glad it evoked a memory. Thanks for giving it a read!

Ray Miller- Thank you for your suggestions! I will refer to them while editing.

Ian- Thank you for some really useful points!