Aching to be Young Again. -Revision.

[Katherine]

I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs then, stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack.

In younger days, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along to Gypsies’ Green
to watch the sunrise – so serene.

The North Sea held the sun for me
until, I stopped - then it was free.
The world was at my beck and call -
I’m young; I’m free - I have it all!

The world was such an easy ride.
But, life goes on - here comes the tide!
It washes all your youth away
and that is why I’m here today -
aching.

......................................................................................................................................


I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack!

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea.

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.

[Antcliff]

Hello, Katherine

Pre-dawn beach running = admirable. Come on, you can do it!

I wonder if there is an alternative to "in days gone by" which is implied by the following "I used to" and so feels a bit like padding perhaps?

Seth

[Firebird]

I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack! (Not sure about the exclamation mark here)

In days gone by, I used to jump (agree with Seth here)
out of my bed - before this slump- ('my' seems a little clunky here)
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea. (I like that you are specific here, but somehow for me 'The North' sounds wrong)

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.

( like the ending)

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Lou]

This is nice and jolly but your rhythm is a bit shaky in L.8. You need something like, 'the sun come up from Winchelsea' or some other seaside resort with three syllables if you don't fancy the Sussex coast.

Best,
Lou

[Macavity]

I felt the referencing to the North Sea conveyed the cold. Compact poem - like the ending - not sure if you need to capitalise aching?

best

mac

[trobbo44]

Good and helpful comments thus far. Would suggest on your last line something like 'the sun come up from North of the sea', it finishes the metre better. Hope this helps. Regards Terry

[Crayon]

Hi Katherine.
It's nicely/sadly relatable for a mature audience. But maybe not the pre-drawn running for everyone.

I largely agree with the previous comments. Here are some edits for your consideration:

I rise and shake myself awake
taking care to nurse each ache -
my knees my legs, my neck my back -
and hope to stretch without a crack.

There was a time when I would jump
straight out of bed - before my slump -
and run along the coast/shore/beach/strand/sand to be
before the sunrise from the sea.

But that was then, now this is me -
aching. / aching for vitality/vivacity/alacrity/agility/longevity/eternity.

[JJWilliamson]

Liked this one, Katherine, for the absolute truth of it all. Aaaah!! Me back, me legs, arse and everything else aches on a daily basis.

I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back. ...Would 'then' be better than another 'and'?
The day starts well, without a crack! ...Perfect iambic tetrameter all the way.

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea. ...The North Sea is, of course, the name of the sea so it's difficult to change that one. I'd be more than tempted to mention the locale because The North Sea is pretty big. Nobody else has mentioned the rhyming of 'sea' with 'see', so I won't mention it. The meter is tricky but sound, following traditional iambic flow with a double iamb hoyed in for good measure. I get iamb/iamb/double iamb.
But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching. ...If I was forced to be picky I'd say a bit more would be very satisfying. Still like it, though.

A very pleasant poem that had me nodding the nod of recognition.

Best

JJ

[Crayon]

Katherine,
Your opening lines work as a reminder of, and a poignant juxtaposition to, that well-know children's bedtime prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

[TonyMac]

I don't know how old you are Katherine (and of course I would never ask ), but I can relate to your poem as I am "getting on a bit".
I do have to agree that the stress doesn't fit comfortably on the word "the" in the last line, anyway as I read it.

[Namyh]

Katherine - Say no more. I know exactly how you feel. Time and Gravity, none of us can escape them. Enjoyed. Namyh

[Katherine]

Pre-dawn beach running = admirable. Come on, you can do it!

No, I can’t. Well, I could, but I’d be wrecked for the rest of the day! It was a five-miler – Down to Gypsies Green and along The Leas, up Marsden bank heading to The Nook and a right turn down King George Road to home. This perked me up, before I had a swift bath – we didn’t have a shower – got dressed and cycled to school. I had SO much energy.

I wonder if there is an alternative to "in days gone by" which is implied by the following "I used to" and so feels a bit like padding perhaps?

Harsh! But, I’ve given it a try. X

Thanks Tistan, I recognise that I can sometimes overuse exclamation marks – I think you’re right.
And yes, I wanted to be specific, but it doesn’t sound good.

Thanks Lou, Mac, Terry and JJ. I realise it’s not rhythmically sound. I wanted to get ‘The North Sea’ in there, because it’s 'mine'. And yes, it’s cold - It was only on winter mornings that I could race along The Leas to watch the sun rise.

Crayon, now you mention it, it does sound like that. Well, I’m a good little Catholic girl, not averse to paraphrasing/plagiarising.

TonyMac, I’m 50! How the hell did that happen!? x

[Pauline]

Really enjoyed this.
It jogged along nicely.

Your opening lines work as a reminder of, and a poignant juxtaposition to, that well-know children's bedtime prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I got that too
It was one (and there was many ) of the prayers I recited nightly through my childhood.
Still do, now and then
That's the staunch Irish Catholic guilt in me

Youth is wasted on the young it's said.
I don't believe it is.
I just think it should last a little longer.
Like 60+ years at least.

Great revision Katherine.

[Grace]

Hi Katherine,

I enjoyed this poem and the contrasts of the youthful activities and beauty of the past with the ache of simply rising in the present. The description makes it clear that the ache is real but the tone remains light.

In line 8 the "so serene" feels a bit like filler. Would it make sense to use a slant here and say, "to watch the sunrise along/at The Leas?"

The rest is fabulous.

In the last line I would like to read, "And that is why I ache today."

This seemingly simple poem refreshes with its candor, execution and wisdom.

Thanks,
Grace

[ray miller]

Enjoyed. Nice rhythm.

I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs then, stretch my back. - do you need the comma?
The day starts well, without a crack.

In younger days, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along to Gypsies’ Green
to watch the sunrise – so serene.

The North Sea held the sun for me
until, I stopped - then it was free. You might need to mention what it is you've stopped doing[
The world was at my beck and call -
I’m young; I’m free - I have it all!

The world was such an easy ride.
But, life goes on - here comes the tide!
It washes all your youth away
and that is why I’m here today - and that is why I ache today?
aching.

......................................................................................................................................


I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack!

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea.

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.

[JJWilliamson]

Great revision, Katherine. Thoroughly enjoyable poem. Perfect IT, no substitutions, flows naturally most of the time.

I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs then, stretch my back. ...Yes, I'm not sure what the comma's doing. Is it a 'stretch' break? Maybe after 'then' or not at all.
The day starts well, without a crack.

In younger days, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along to Gypsies’ Green
to watch the sunrise – so serene. ...Can't let you have 'serene' Something with 'scene' might work, or 'marine' or something about your age EG fourteen. I considered 'queen' then suppressed the thought.

The North Sea held the sun for me
until, I stopped - then it was free. ...The sea was free? Is that it? This might completely change your meaning but would 'I' work instead of 'it'?
The world was at my beck and call -
I’m young; I’m free - I have it all! ...Ah! You're using 'free' again and in the previously mentioned context.

The world was such an easy ride.
But, life goes on - here comes the tide!
It washes all your youth away
and that is why I’m here today - ...Like Ray's suggestion.
aching.

Really good poem, Katherine. Make of my suggestions what you will.

Best

JJ

......................................................................................................................................


I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs and stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack!

In days gone by, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along the coast to see
the sun come up from The North Sea.

But, that was then, now this is me –
Aching.

[cynwulf]

Thoroughly enjoyed reading this, deep and even regretful feelings expressed in a joyous optimistic way; no suggestions it's fine as it is.
Regards,c.

[ton321]

I rise and shake myself awake
and take good care to nurse the ache
of feet and legs then, stretch my back.
The day starts well, without a crack.

In younger days, I used to jump
out of my bed - before this slump-
and run along to Gypsies’ Green
to watch the sunrise – so serene.

The North Sea held the sun for me
until, I stopped - then it was free.
The world was at my beck and call -
I’m young; I’m free - I have it all!

The world was such an easy ride.
But, life goes on - here comes the tide!
It washes all your youth away
and that is why I’m here today -
aching.

Hi Katherine,

Aching to be young again, in all senses. You do realize that this is a metaphysical poem?
Cheers, Tony