Message from the Tower (revision 2)

[JJWilliamson]

We've been all round Blacky, had brekkie in Wether's,
walked on the North Pier and had a good blether
with men touting flyers for shows by the sea,
and asked if the pyro display would be free.

We bought Mr Whippy's crisp sugar cone stack,
threw coins in the slots and then wanted them back,
played bingo for prizes, won pounds at “The Races”
and now we're in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long,
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack.

“Three people max” said a sign on the door.
Two hundred guest rooms on four buckled floors,
one lift still working, and that reeked of ale
and don’t even mention the banister rail.

We drove down the sea front to take in the lights,
the engine combusted and gave us a fright,
we lost our hotel place so parked in the street,
it wasn’t the best night, and as for mum’s feet!

The bathroom was emptied of tissues and towels,
“The floor is still soaking” said mum, with a scowl.
"They’re all bloody joking, what service is this" ?
To make matters worse we both needed a piss.

The trip was a rip-off, the staff were a pain,
we’ll never consider this shithole again;
with comforts like these we should both slip away
so never again - Now she’s booking for May.


Revision 1

We've been all round Blacky, had brekkie in Wether's,
walked on the North Pier and had a good blether
with men touting flyers for shows by the sea,
and asked if the rockets and cannons were free.

We bought Mr Whippy's crisp sugar cone stack,
threw cash in the slots and then wanted it back,
played bingo for prizes, won toys at “The Races”
and now we're in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long,
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack.

“Three people max” said a sign on the door.
Two hundred guest rooms on four buckled floors,
one lift still working, and that reeked of ale
and don’t even look for a banister rail.

We drove down the sea front to take in the lights,
the engine combusted and gave us a fright,
we lost our hotel place so parked in the street,
it wasn’t the best night, and as for mum’s feet!

The bathroom was emptied of tissues and towels,
“The floor is still soaking” said mum, with a scowel.
"They’re all bloody joking, what service is this" ?
To make matters worse we both needed a piss.

The trip was a rip-off, the staff were a pain,
we’ll never consider this shithole again;
with comforts like these we should both slip away
so never again - Now she’s booking for May.

Original

We've been all round Blacky, had breaky in Wether's,
walked on the North Pier and had a good blether
with men touting flyers for shows by the sea,
and asked if the rockets and canons were free.

We bought Mr Whippy's crisp sugar cone stack,
threw cash in the slots and then wanted it back,
played bingo for prizes won toys at “The Races”
and now we're in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack.

“Three people max” said said a sign on the door.
Two hundred guest rooms on four smelly floors,
one lift still working, and that stank of ale
and don’t even look for a banister rail.

We drove down the sea front to take in the lights,
the engine combusted and gave us a fright,
we lost our hotel place so parked in the street,
it wasn’t the best night, and as for mum’s feet!

The bathroom was emptied of tissues and towels,
“The floor is still soaking” said mum, with a scowel.
"They’re all bloody joking, what service is this" ?
To make matters worse we both needed a piss.

The trip was a rip-off, the staff were a pain,
we’ll never consider this shithole again;
with comforts like these we should both slip away
so never again - Now she’s booking for May.

Notes:

"Blacky" is a nickname or hypocorism for Blackpool, an old style tourist resort in North West England. It's world famous for its Blackpool Tower.
"brekkie" or "breaky" is breakfast.
"Wether's" is the Wetherspoon pub chain.
"blether" is a Scots and northern English word for idle chat about nothing important.
"flyers" are small advertising leaflets.
"rockets and connons" are fireworks. They often put on a free firework show on Friday nights.
"costs a bomb" is a British idiom for expensive

[Katherine]

I had an absolute hoot, reading this.
I take it that you ventured on 'holiday' somewhere in Britain, most probably England - where we don't give a shit - because, if you have to stay here for your 'holidays', you're not worth catering for!
Top end - you'll never get a better lick-spittle experience - We know how to pander to the money. Shop lasses in Harrods act like they're duchesses! - They're on commission and the Yanks lap it up.
I have an 'inverted snobbery' pride in the English take on 'service'. x
PS. It's obviously Blackpool, now I've looked at the title.x

[Luce]

HA!!! the hotel from hell. Great humorous feel to it. Mostly smooth reading. Good ending line. I didn't quite understand some of it though, especially stanza 1. It's pretty local language.

Frankly, the poem started, for me. in the 2nd stanza for that reason.

End rhymes are good except for one or two spots. Some forced lines. But, all in all an enjoyable read JJ.

Luce

Additional comments:

We've been all round Blacky, had breaky in Wether's,
walked on the North Pier and had a good blether
with men touting flyers for shows by the sea,
and asked if the rockets and canons were free.

Not quite getting this stanza. I know you're talking about places in England but don't understand what "breaky in Wether's" mean and "blether" too. Not quite getting why the men would think the rockets and canons would be free? Also, did you mean "cannon" instead of "canon"?

We bought Mr Whippy's crisp sugar cone stack,
threw cash in the slots and then wanted it back,
played bingo for prizes won toys at “The Races”
and now we're in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

Yep. Carnival / beach boardwalk / Arcade type fun.

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack.

Would you use a word like "bomb" to describe real expensive (or cheap) drinks in England? The attack line is kind of strange. I know you have to come up with something to rhyme with pack but the line reads rather forced. How about using something with crack in the end. For example:

"to sit by the telly with the long crack."

“Three people max” said said a sign on the door.
Two hundred guest rooms on four smelly floors,
one lift still working, and that stank of ale
and don’t even look for a banister rail.

Two "said"s in first line in above stanza. How about saying something stronger than "smelly" like "moldy", "stinky" "pucky"..and the list goes on. The lift smelled of ale? The N was lucky.

We drove down the sea front to take in the lights,
the engine combusted and gave us a fright,
we lost our hotel place so parked in the street,
it wasn’t the best night, and as for mum’s feet!

What about mum's feet? You never say. It kind of comes out from nowhere and disappears.

The bathroom was emptied of tissues and towels,
“The floor is still soaking” said mum, with a scowel.
"They’re all bloody joking, what service is this" ?
To make matters worse we both needed a piss.

Towels can be soaking wet, meat can soak in sauce but a floor? Not quite sure why the N and company couldn't take a piss. Both the "soaking" and "piss" lines sound kind of forced.

The trip was a rip-off, the staff were a pain,
we’ll never consider this shithole again;
with comforts like these we should both slip away
so never again - Now she’s booking for May.

"Both"? Sounds like there were more than two people in the room. Best to say "all" then. Maybe instead of saying "Now" perhaps "Wait!" would be better in addition to ending the line with a question mark? - Wait! She's booking for May?"

Luce

[Macavity]

Highly entertaining JJ, touch of JB. I'd keep s1 and provide some footnotes for our transatlantic cousins I agree with Luce on 'smelly' though, and taking another look at the final line for punctuation emphasis. toys/prizes are a bit generic. You've paced lines in S3 with a comma or two, but not in S2L3? Anyway, definitely a fluid and very readable poem. I don't think you need to tinker with this a great deal. Still prefer your landscape writing though

best

mac

[Lou]

I like most of this but feel some parts could be tightened up. In good rhyming light verse with perfect rhymes, bomb/long, door/floors, lights/fright, towels/scowl won't cut the mustard. I find the tone is a bit off towards the end: we think we're reading a jolly romp which would be perfect for a children's anthology, then we get shithole and piss. It would be better to keep the tone light throughout IMO.

Best,
Lou

[trobbo44]

Light-hearted poem. Liked it for what it was. Colloquialisms aside, some of the rhyming could do with a tweak

[JJWilliamson]

I had an absolute hoot, reading this.
I take it that you ventured on 'holiday' somewhere in Britain, most probably England - where we don't give a shit - because, if you have to stay here for your 'holidays', you're not worth catering for!
Top end - you'll never get a better lick-spittle experience - We know how to pander to the money. Shop lasses in Harrods act like they're duchesses! - They're on commission and the Yanks lap it up.
I have an 'inverted snobbery' pride in the English take on 'service'. x
PS. It's obviously Blackpool, now I've looked at the title.x

Thanks Katherine

A weekend in Blackpool a few weeks ago when we had some time to ourselves. Di used to holiday there every year when she was a nipper and consequently needs a BlackEH fix every now and again. I tend to carp on a bit, but sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a time warp. I even started spouting off about tourism development in Blacky and the reason for the piers, only to find a pool cue stuck in my mouth. Tastier than you'd imagine. We had a good time. Honestly.

We were back in Kendal this weekend and still popped into Wether's for lunch.

Best

JJ

I like most of this but feel some parts could be tightened up. In good rhyming light verse with perfect rhymes, bomb/long, door/floors, lights/fright, towels/scowl won't cut the mustard. I find the tone is a bit off towards the end: we think we're reading a jolly romp which would be perfect for a children's anthology, then we get shithole and piss. It would be better to keep the tone light throughout IMO.

Thanks Lou

Appreciate the input. It wasn't really written with children in mind, anything but actually, more in the British tradition of laughing in the face of adversity and finding a way to enjoy the tackiest of situations. It amuses me endlessly especially when somebody screams, "Could it get any bloody worse". Then it starts to lash it down.

It's not unusual to find perfect rhyme and slant rhyme working together, so I'm assuming you're referring to the simplicity of some of the rhymes. I try to go with rhymes that fit into the flow of the narrative and tend not to worry too much if the rhymes are simple or not. I love a clever rhyme as much as the next guy btw.
There are many good rhyming poems that employ a variety of rhymes throughout, so I'm a little puzzled by your concern. You seem so adamant.

Having said that, I think one or two rhymes could stand a nudge.

Best

JJ

Highly entertaining JJ, touch of JB. I'd keep s1 and provide some footnotes for our transatlantic cousins I agree with Luce on 'smelly' though, and taking another look at the final line for punctuation emphasis. toys/prizes are a bit generic. You've paced lines in S3 with a comma or two, but not in S2L3? Anyway, definitely a fluid and very readable poem. I don't think you need to tinker with this a great deal. Still prefer your landscape writing though

best

mac

Thanks Mac

"A touch of JB". ....

I'll slot some footnotes in for clarity. I wasn't sure how well it would travel.
I will change 'smelly' forthwith but must keep my prizes. It was Prize Bingo after all. I reckon 'toys' could stand a facelift.
Looking at the punctuation.

Best,

JJ

PS

I have another Lakes poem in the pipeline.

J

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks Luce!

I haven't forgotten you but I thought I'd honour your extensive and wonderful critique with the reply it deserves.

HA!!! the hotel from hell. Great humorous feel to it. Mostly smooth reading. Good ending line. I didn't quite understand some of it though, especially stanza 1. It's pretty local language ...Yes, that's true. I've included a few footnotes to help clarify things. I also post on an American site, so your comments were particularly interesting.

Frankly, the poem started, for me. in the 2nd stanza for that reason.

End rhymes are good except for one or two spots. Some forced lines. But, all in all an enjoyable read JJ.

Luce

Additional comments:[/color]

We've been all round Blacky, had breaky in Wether's,
walked on the North Pier and had a good blether
with men touting flyers for shows by the sea,
and asked if the rockets and canons were free.

Not quite getting this stanza. I know you're talking about places in England but don't understand what "breaky in Wether's" mean and "blether" too. Not quite getting why the men would think the rockets and canons would be free? Also, did you mean "cannon" instead of "canon"?...Changed cannon and 'breaky'. Thanks for spotting them. 'Breaky' should have read 'brekkie' or 'brekky' IE breakfast. During the end of season celebrations the council, in conjunction with local business, puts on the famous Blackpool Illuminations light show. This is accompanied by a free firework display every Friday.

We bought Mr Whippy's crisp sugar cone stack,
threw cash in the slots and then wanted it back,
played bingo for prizes won toys at “The Races”
and now we're in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

Yep. Carnival / beach boardwalk / Arcade type fun.

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack.

Would you use a word like "bomb" to describe real expensive (or cheap) drinks in England? The attack line is kind of strange. I know you have to come up with something to rhyme with pack but the line reads rather forced. How about using something with crack in the end. For example:

"to sit by the telly with the long crack." ...Ha ha! Yes, a crack in the telly would do. If something costs a bomb in Britain it is expensive, often pertaining to cheapish items like food and drink. We wouldn't say a car costs a bomb. The attack line refers to how we intend to proceed, or in my case - COPE! I'm kidding you know. It's a good laugh.

“Three people max” said said a sign on the door.
Two hundred guest rooms on four smelly floors,
one lift still working, and that stank of ale
and don’t even look for a banister rail.

Two "said"s in first line in above stanza. How about saying something stronger than "smelly" like "moldy", "stinky" "pucky"..and the list goes on. The lift smelled of ale? The N was lucky. ...Good catch on 'said'. I've changed 'smelled'.

We drove down the sea front to take in the lights,
the engine combusted and gave us a fright,
we lost our hotel place so parked in the street,
it wasn’t the best night, and as for mum’s feet!

What about mum's feet? You never say. It kind of comes out from nowhere and disappears. ...After a day traipsing round Blackpool in the rain I thought the feet reference would hit the reader in the face.

The bathroom was emptied of tissues and towels,
“The floor is still soaking” said mum, with a scowel.
"They’re all bloody joking, what service is this" ?
To make matters worse we both needed a piss.

Towels can be soaking wet, meat can soak in sauce but a floor? Not quite sure why the N and company couldn't take a piss. Both the "soaking" and "piss" lines sound kind of forced....We often say "The floor is soaking wet" and I never saw it as idiomatic. Mea culpa. So, we'd have to "plodge" (paddle) through the water to get to the loo. A minor inconvenience. N is becoming progressively pissed off by this time btw as he completes his message.

The trip was a rip-off, the staff were a pain,
we’ll never consider this shithole again;
with comforts like these we should both slip away
so never again - Now she’s booking for May.

"Both"? Sounds like there were more than two people in the room. Best to say "all" then. Maybe instead of saying "Now" perhaps "Wait!" would be better in addition to ending the line with a question mark? - Wait! She's booking for May?" ...I wanted to finish on a definite rather than maybe. Adds to the sudden realisation that he's got it all to face again, whilst proving that a change is indeed as good as a rest.

Luce

Thanks again, Luce. I've made some changes as per your suggestions and I'm looking at the other possibilities.

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

Light-hearted poem. Liked it for what it was. Colloquialisms aside, some of the rhyming could do with a tweak

Thanks for dropping in, Terry, much appreciated. Yes, I'll have to look at those rhymes again and see if I can improve the natural progression.

Best

JJ

[Crayon]

Hi JJ.
This is grimly joyful. Although, I tend to think that poems of this nature need rock-solid rhymes and meter. So I've had a bash, but not sure I've wholly succeeded. And I've tried to boost the tragi-comedy, and made it all past tense. Hope you don't mind. BTW, I've never heard Blackpool called Blacky. Could that cause offence?

Tales from the Tower
or
Tower of Doom

We've been all around Blackpool, had our brekkie in Wether's,
braved gulls on the North Pier, and nattered with fellas
touting flyers for music hall shows by the sea,
and asked if the fireworks display would be free.

We licked Mr Whippy's artificial cream cone,
dropped coins in the slots and then had a good moan,
played bingo for prizes, won toys at 'the races',
and huddled in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

The weather was turning, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds were relentless, so it wasn't too long
before our Hotel Oasis lured us back in a flap
to sit round the telly and consider a nap.

'Three people max' said the signs on the doors.
That's up to six-hundred punters on four creaking floors.
Only one lift was working, which stank of warm sick,
and the stairway was scrawled with prick after prick.

We drove down the seafront to gawp at the lights,
but the revellers exposed us to more enlightening sights.
The hotel filled up, so we had to park on some street,
and the night was a right-off when mum fell over her feet.

We then found our bathroom missing tissues and towels,
"This floor is still soaking!" cried mum with furious scowls.
"They've got to be joking. What kind of service is this?"
And to make matters worse, the tea tasted like piss.

The whole trip was a rip-off, and the journey a pain.
I prayed we would never visit that shit-hole again.
After holidays like that, you wish for some beach far away,
but now mum's phoning Blackpool to book us in for next May!

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks Crayon

Appreciate the reply and the suggestions. It takes time to offer such a detailed alternative, so thanks again for the effort.
I like some of your ideas and will keep them close to hand during revision. I'm essentially using triple meter or anapestic tetrameter, so your restructuring would interfere with meter too much, unless I abandoned the metrical scheme altogether. Each line consists of iamb/anapest/anapest/anapest with the odd headless iamb thrown in for good measure. Anapestic tet is chiefly, although not exclusively, used for comic verse and that's why I opted for it.

Some notes:

Hi JJ.
This is grimly joyful. Although, I tend to think that poems of this nature need rock-solid rhymes and meter. So I've had a bash, but not sure I've wholly succeeded. And I've tried to boost the tragi-comedy, and made it all past tense. Hope you don't mind. BTW, I've never heard Blackpool called Blacky. Could that cause offence?

It never crossed my mind that 'Blacky' could cause offence. Not sure how to respond.

Tales from the Tower
or
Tower of Doom

We've been all around Blackpool, had our brekkie in Wether's,
braved gulls on the North Pier, and nattered with fellas ...This is a half rhyme. You can't have your cake!
touting flyers for music hall shows by the sea,
and asked if the fireworks display would be free.

We licked Mr Whippy's artificial cream cone,
dropped coins in the slots and then had a good moan,
played bingo for prizes, won toys at 'the races',
and huddled in Pizza Hut stuffing our faces.

The weather was turning, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds were relentless, so it wasn't too long
before our Hotel Oasis lured us back in a flap
to sit round the telly and consider a nap.

'Three people max' said the signs on the doors.
That's up to six-hundred punters on four creaking floors. ...Good line!
Only one lift was working, which stank of warm sick,
and the stairway was scrawled with prick after prick. ...It wasn't that bad.

We drove down the seafront to gawp at the lights, ...Like 'gawp'
but the revellers exposed us to more enlightening sights.
The hotel filled up, so we had to park on some street,
and the night was a right-off when mum fell over her feet.

We then found our bathroom missing tissues and towels,
"This floor is still soaking!" cried mum with furious scowls.
"They've got to be joking. What kind of service is this?"
And to make matters worse, the tea tasted like piss. ...Made me laugh. We took our own tea bags.

The whole trip was a rip-off, and the journey a pain.
I prayed we would never visit that shit-hole again.
After holidays like that, you wish for some beach far away,
but now mum's phoning Blackpool to book us in for next May! ...I like the general thrust of this alternative. Some good stuff to consider.

Thanks again

Best

JJ

[Crayon]

JJ, you're very welcome. It was a pleasure to [s]stick my oar in[/s] interact with your piece.

Yes, sorry, I don't know why I mentioned meter when yours is rock-solid.

Maybe technically they are rhymes, but I always feel sonically and poetically cheated when one word ends with an s and the other one doesn't.

A rhyme for Wether's is tough. (Easier if you'd gone to Greggs or Starbucks.) I think that most people pronounce fellas as fellers, but I suppose you mean that a proper full rhyme for Wether's should end with a thers. Hey, how about bikers in leathers?

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks again, Crayon

I've posted a revision with your comments in mind and hopefully it's an improvement.
There was a distinct lack of bikers in leathers.

Best

JJ

[penguin]

Nice rhymes and rhythm. Funny too.

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long,
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack. - I'm not quite getting this, called back to our room to plan an attack?

“Three people max” said a sign on the door. - this is the lift?

scowel or scowl?

[JJWilliamson]

Nice rhymes and rhythm. Funny too. ...Thanks, Penguin

The weather is changing, the drinks cost a bomb,
the crowds are a menace, it won't be too long,
before our room calls us away from the pack
to sit by the telly to plan our attack. - I'm not quite getting this, called back to our room to plan an attack? ...It refers to the plan for coping with the crowds. We often return to the hotel for a rest (pushing 59, you know) then brave the night with a fresh plan of attack. It's all a bit tongue in cheek. I could have, "to plan our way back"

“Three people max” said a sign on the door. - this is the lift? ...It is indeed. Four people and one case was pushing the limits. It sounded like an old rollercoaster on its way to the first drop. The stairs were attractive, though, and lined with some lovely prints.

scowel or scowl? ...Thanks for the catch. Will change forthwith.

Much appreciated.

Best

JJ