Dreamscape

[trobbo44]

I lay down enslaved by life, and
as I sleep freedom falls upon me.
Gone is a world cast with nervous endings.

I catch my breath as I enter a place
of equality for all. Good dreams or
bad, they come free to both
rich and poor.

Here, we all chase rainbows across
a sky of fuzzy shadows, locked
beneath a surface no longer made
up of straight black and white lines.

And there are no sting in the tail
job losses, or doctors giving
bad news that cannot be rescinded
by the seven o'clock alarm.

This is a world of endless possibilities.

Where dead fathers make phone calls home.
And long divorced wives, visit with
brattish children having suddenly
turned sweet.

The irony of it often wakes me.

In this world, each step taken
is the equal of any man's.

[Crayon]

This is a world of endless possibilities.

Where dead fathers make house calls
and long divorced wives have dinner
waiting on the table for when you get
home from work.

The irony of it often wakes me.

It's a dismal irony that, if presented with a world of endless possibilities, the narrator, who has a desperate wish for freedom and equality, would enslave someone in a kitchen.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

[trobbo44]

Crayon, I have changed the stanza of contention, hope it helps.

[Macavity]

hi Terry,
I like a vote for the positive. Of course, the title tells the reader there is no reality here. Does that undermine the poem? Depends how much life N. can breathe into those dreams I guess. A possible alternative title could be Dreamscape.

Some other thoughts, mainly to give some options on line breaks...

I lay down enslaved by life
and as I sleep freedom falls
upon me. Gone is my world
cast with nervous endings.

I catch my breath as I enter
a place of equality for all.
Good dreams or bad, they come
free to both rich and poor.

Here, we all chase rainbows across
a sky of fuzzy shadows, locked
beneath a surface no longer made
up of black and white lines.

There are no 'sting in the tail'
job losses, or doctors giving
bad news that can't be rescinded
by the seven o'clock alarm.

This is a world of [s]endless[/s] possibilities.

Where dead fathers make phone calls.
And long divorced wives, visiting
with brattish children, having suddenly
turned sweet.

The irony of it often wakes me.

The ability of breathing under water,
or floating unaided, defies physics.
I become a free man and each step
I take is the equal of any man's.

hope that helps some

best

mac

[Firebird]

Overall I like this poem. Some comments below:

I lay down enslaved by life, and
as I sleep freedom falls upon me.
Gone is my world cast with nervous
endings. (Why does this word need a line of its own. I think it works well ending the previous line)

I catch my breath as I enter a place
of equality for all. Good dreams or
bad, they come free to both
the rich and poor.

Here, we all chase rainbows across
a sky of fuzzy shadows, locked (I'm not sure I understand the imagery here)
beneath a surface no longer made
up of black and white lines.

There are no 'sting in the tail'
job losses, or doctors giving
bad news that can't be rescinded
by the seven o'clock alarm. (Nice stanza)

This is a world of endless possibilities.

Where dead fathers make phone calls.
And long divorced wives, visiting with
brattish children, having suddenly
turned sweet.

The irony of it often wakes me. (Interesting idea, irony waking you)

The ability of breathing under
water or floating unaided defy
the laws of physics. (The phrase that starts with 'defy' is a bit cliched)

As I dream, I become a free man
and each step I take is the equal
of any man's. (I'm not sure you need what comes before 'each step' in this stanza).

It has a very matrix feel about it.

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Tristan

[trobbo44]

Mac and Firebird, thanks for the comments, I shall take them into the consideration

[Katherine]

I lay down enslaved by life, and
as I sleep freedom falls upon me. Nice image
Gone is my world cast with nervous
endings.

I catch my breath as I enter a place
of equality for all. Good dreams or .
bad, they come free to both
the rich and poor.... Yeah, but the poor are dreaming about a better class of misery

Here, we all chase rainbows across
a sky of fuzzy shadows, locked
beneath a surface no longer made
up of black and white lines....Don't get this at all. We chase rainbows, which are multicoloured, beneath a 'non-black and white', because it too is multi-coloured, sky?

There are no 'sting in the tail'
job losses, or doctors giving
bad news that can't be rescinded
by the seven o'clock alarm. I think I get this. When we wake from sleep, all is well - until we remember it's not.

This is a world of endless possibilities.

Where dead fathers make phone calls. ...Oh, that hit me hard! My daddy died when I was 20, on the cusp of an adult relationship which never happened.
And long divorced wives, visiting with
brattish children, having suddenly
turned sweet.... Thankfully, this is one 'ill' that my flesh, thus far, has not been 'heir to'.


The irony of it often wakes me. Where's the irony?
The ability of breathing under
water or floating unaided defy
the laws of physics.... This is a dream - The laws of physics don't apply.

As I dream, I become a free man
and each step I take is the equal
of any man's.
This sounds like a 'stream of consciousness' and it appeals to me. I don't get the 'poem' bit, but I like it. x

[trobbo44]

Katherine, thank you. Food for thought