Hurricane - Revision V

[Luce]

Hurricane V

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap.

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk wanting in
while rain drips in rivulets
through rusted window frames.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two.

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof peeling back by hands
belonging to ancient angry gods.

Fears grow as choking wind and rain
become a giant broom that sweeps the streets
in foaming waves. And yet, the only thing
I can think to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane leaves and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed.

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats

**********************************************
Hurricane IV

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap.

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk while rain
drips in rivulets through rusted
window frames.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two.

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof being peeled back by hands
belonging to ancient angry gods,

Fears grow. The tempest increases.
A giant broom formed by choking wind
and rain sweeps the streets in foaming waves.
And yet, the only thing I can think
to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane passes and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed.

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats
--------------------------------------------------------

Hurricane - Revision III

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body quivered
with each sharp yap.

The hurricane banged at the door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs
being torn from trunks,
and morphing into javelins
“taking out” a neighbor or two.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like a bird house.

My fears grew as the wind and rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could say was, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.”
The unshuttered windows
shook in the dark.

When the hurricane left,
we went outside. Among
the debris of siding and trees
Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the littered complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

************************************************
Hurricane - Revision II

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body shook
with each sharp yap.

Matthew pounded the front door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into javelins “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like an old bird house.

My fears grew as the rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could voice was, "I hope the ducks are safe?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry about them.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shivered in the dark.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
red blossoms seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

Hurricane - Revision

Roxy barked at the loud thumps
she heard in the house. Her tiny body
shivered with each sharp yap.

Matthew pounded the front door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into javelins “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I imagined the windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would fly,
like a forgotten birdhouse, in the sky.

My fears grew as the rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could voice was, "I hope the ducks are safe?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shimmed and shook.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
red blossoms were seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned trick or treaters
at houses known to give treats.
************************************************
Hurricane - Original

Roxy barked at loud thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body shook
with each sharp yap.

Matthew banged at our door,
like a drunkard wanting in
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked about the hurricanes
he’d been in, of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into leafy spears “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I imagined the windows
blowing out, the house lifting
and we would fly like Dorothy’s
in the sky, of me clinging to Roxy
chanting mantras reserved for the dying.

The fears grew like the wind outside
yet all I could say was, “I hope
the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shivered, approving his response.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
pink blossoms glimpsed in the yard
and I thought of pedals strewn
on a bed.

I saw the ducks walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

[Macavity]

I saw the ducks walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

Very much enjoyed that imaginative closing imagery. Excellent.

Some further thoughts...

Roxy barked at loud thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body shook
with each sharp yap.

Matthew banged at our door,
like a drunkard wanting in
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked about the hurricanes
he’d been in, of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into leafy spears “taking out”................................like the use of the colloquial there
a neighbor or two.

I imagined the windows
blowing out, the house lifting
and we would fly like Dorothy’s..................................a familiar allusion?
in the sky, of me clinging to Roxy
chanting mantras [s]reserved[/s] for the dying.........................I think desperation is conveyed without further explanation.

The fears grew like the wind [s]outside[/s]...........................I wouldn't expect it to be inside?
yet all I could say was, “I hope
the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” [s]The unshuttered
windows shivered, approving his response.[/s]..................I don't think that adds much, except to distract from the reply.

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
pink blossoms glimpsed in the yard
and I thought of pedals strewn...................................typo?.....did you mean petals?
on a bed.

I saw the ducks walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

best

mac

[Crayon]

Hello Luce.
It's a great subject that you've developed well for drama and dark comedy. But it seems like a first draft that's maybe a little trite in some places, and still a bit sloppy. That might be deliberate to evoke a sense of storm chaos. But I would tie it down something like this, which still needs some massaging:

Hurricane Matthew

Roxy barks at the bangs
she hears all round the house.
Her fragile frame shaking
with every sharp yap.

This blustering Matthew
beats at each door,
like a drunk forcing entry
into boarded-up bars.

Jake talks about wind speeds,
and tree limbs torn from trunks,
turned into huge splintered spears
that "take out" a neighbor or two.

I imagine windows blown out
and the house sent skyward like Dorothy's,
Roxy clinging to my shirt tails
and me wailing for mommy.

My worst fears rise like the wind
storming throughout my mind,
and yet all I can say is a helpless
"I hope the ducks are OK?"

Jake smiles and says "Don't worry.
They're way smarter than people."
All the unshuttered windows shudder,
reinforcing his reply.

Matthew moves on, and out we go,
among the wreckage and debris.
A glimpse of scattered pink blossom
and I'm reminded of American Beauty.

Then the ducks walk in single file
right through the devastation,
stopping like seasoned trick-or-treaters
at all the most generous houses.

[Luce]

mac - Thanks mac for pointing out the typo involving petals and how I can tighten it up. I like to use slang and just everyday language, as much as I can.

crayon - Thanks for the feedback and suggested revision.

Posting a revision to tighten it up a bit.

Luce

[Macavity]

Hi Luce,
Definite thumbs up on nearly all the edits.

Just a few possible nits...

Roxy barked at the loud thumps
she heard in the house. Her tiny body
shivered with each sharp yap.

Matthew pounded the front door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs being
torn from trunks and morphing
into javelins “taking out”
a neighbor or two.

I imagined the windows blowing out,.......................perhaps...I pictured
the house lifting and we would fly,.........................not sure of the fly/sky rhyme
like a forgotten birdhouse, in the sky.....................not understanding the significance of forgotten, like the birdhouse analogy

My fears grew as the rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,................................inventive, like it
yet all I could voice was, "I hope the ducks are safe?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” The unshuttered
windows shimmed and shook.........................................................shimmed?

When Matthew left, we went
outside. Among the debris,
red blossoms were seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn..............................perhaps I remembered
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the complex, stopping
like seasoned trick or treaters......................prefer the original, treaters/treats too close, I could picture the original
at houses known to give treats.

best

mac

[Luce]

Thanks mac for coming back to this one. Appreciate the feedback. I agree about using trick or treaters being to close to treats. I'm going back to Halloweeners. Most of your other nits are spot on too.

Revision II coming up.

Luce

[Katherine]

The dog and Matthew were worried.
Jake told horror stories, about previous hurricanes.
You were frightened and worried about the ducks.
When it was over, you thought of petal-strewn beds, while everything returned as normal.

Forgive me, but a 'hurricane', in England (which never gets them - because it's God's own country and we don't deserve them ) , evokes a feeling of devastation. This sounds like a spot of rain and wind. x

[Luce]

The dog and Matthew were worried.
Jake told horror stories, about previous hurricanes.
You were frightened and worried about the ducks.
When it was over, you thought of petal-strewn beds, while everything returned as normal.

Forgive me, but a 'hurricane', in England (which never gets them - because it's God's own country and we don't deserve them ) , evokes a feeling of devastation. This sounds like a spot of rain and wind. x

Do you think I'm talking about a hurricane in England? It looks like I got to make this clearer.

Luce

[Macavity]

Hi Luce,

Still going in the right diriction for me. It may be a thought to translate this to present tense for more immediacy.

Some further thoughts...

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body quivered.........................ok, but you lose the sonics of shook/sharp
with each sharp yap.

The hurricane banged at the door,......................ok more direct
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs
being torn from trunks,....................................I thought there was more dynamic with breaking on morphing
and morphing into javelins......................................the conjunction comes across as prosaic explanation
“taking out” a neighbor or two.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like a bird house.

[s]My fears grew as[/s] The wind and rain swept.................to be more direct
the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could say was, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.”
The unshuttered windows
shook in the dark.

When the hurricane left,
we went outside. Among.................................................went? passive...perhaps ventured?
the debris of siding and trees,
Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard..........................ok detail, but was red more immediately evocative?
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file......................................................were walking to sidled single for sonics?
through the littered complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

best

mac

[Luce]

Hi mac

Thanks for sticking with me on this poem. At this point I feel like I'm taking one step forward but going two steps back. This calls for a deep, long think.

Luce.

[Pauline]

Hi Luce,
hang in there.
I think you are almost there with this latest revision.
You have some great imagery here, however
I feel this needs to be in the present tense.
Try it and see if it adds more drama.
I've posted a taster below using your words.
I haven't changed anything apart from switching the tense.
I'm simply offering my thoughts.
See what you think.
It's just a suggestion


Roxy barks at the thumps
she hears in the house.
Her tiny body quivers
with each sharp yap.

The hurricane bangs at the door
like an angry drunk wanting in
to a boarded bar.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing
into javelins taking out neighbors

I picture windows blowing out,
the house lifting and spiraling
upward like a bird house.

Fears grow, the tempest increases.
A giant broom sweeping the streets
yet I cry "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.
The hurricane leaves and we go outside.

Among the debris of siding and trees
in the yard, pink blossoms are strewn
like petals on a bed

The ducks walk in single file
through the littered complex
like seasoned Halloweeners stopping
at houses known to give treats.

[Katherine]

Do you think I'm talking about a hurricane in England? It looks like I got to make this clearer.

Luce

Ha! No, I'm trying to explain how 'hurricanes' are viewed, from afar, here in England. They sound terrifying, but this doesn't. Sorry. x

[Luce]

Pauline - Thanks for the time you "put in" to show how the poem can sound in the present tense. You saved me a lot of work and gave me a good starting point.

Katherine - Sorry you don't like the poem. Thanks for the feedback.

Luce

[JJWilliamson]

Very enjoyable poem, Luce, and a fantastic close. Loved it!

Some thoughts:

Hurricane - Revision III

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body quivered
with each sharp yap. ...Great image of the scared dog.

The hurricane banged at the door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar. ...He must have been absolutely gassed if he thought the bar would open. I'm assuming all the houses were boarded up and the symbolic drunk wouldn't be able to tell the difference. The simile doesn't really add up from a logical pov.

Jake talked of tree limbs
being torn from trunks,
and morphing into javelins
“taking out” a neighbor or two. ...Like this strophe in its entirety.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like a bird house. ...Do bird houses spiral up? You could end on 'upwards'. I think you're referring to the scale, as in the Wiz of Oz.

My fears grew as the wind and rain increased ...'My fears grew' is fairly standard.
sweeping the street like a giant store broom, ...Much better.
yet all I could say was, "I hope the ducks are okay?’ ...Brilliant.

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.” ...It sometimes seems that way.
The unshuttered windows
shook in the dark. ...Did they make a sound to indicate they were shaking?

When the hurricane left, ...'left' could be strengthened. EG died, waned, softened, passed. I know they move on to their next victims but it would have died locally.
we went outside. Among
the debris of siding and trees
Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard ...Could the hibiscus leaves be doing something? Even lying would do. We'd know they were seen.
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the littered complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats. ...Great close. Got to love those ducks.

Hope some of this helps.

Best

JJ

[Luce]

Thanks JJ for reading and providing feedback on the poem. You've made some great suggestions.

I'm not rushing to do a revision now. I want to let it simmer for a few days more. I need to look at it with fresh eyes.

In the meantime I've gotten a number of great suggestions to make the poem more effective.

Luce

[trobbo44]

Luce, I enjoyed the poem. But, S7 needs some attention, it doesn't flow right. Other than that, I agree with most of the comments. Regards Terry

[penguin]

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like a bird house.

You speak as if it were typical of a bird house to spiral upwards. Somehow, I doubt it.

Among
the debris of siding and trees
Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

Not sure this passage is adding much to the poem.
The final stanza is lovely.

[Luce]

Thanks Terry and penguin for stopping by to read this piece. I appreciate the feedback.

Well... Revision IV is up!!!

Luce

[JJWilliamson]

Much better, Luce. My eye moved effortlessly from one image to the next and I couldn't help but feel concern for those ducks.

Best

JJ

[Luce]

Much better, Luce. My eye moved effortlessly from one image to the next and I couldn't help but feel concern for those ducks.

Best

JJ

Thanks JJ. "Slow and steady wins the race" in life and in poetry sometimes.

Luce

[Grace]

Hurricane - Revision IV

Postby Luce » Wed Oct 12, 2016 11:01 am
Hurricane IV

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps..............................Interesting repetition of x sound to start, and the sounds of the poem thump like those in the house. Great.
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap....................................I like the density of the sh and p sounds here.

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk while rain
drips in rivulets through rusted........................Drips in rivulets. Musical.
window frames.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing..............................I like this image. Have you considered, "that morph into leafy javelins and take out?"
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two.

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof being peeled back by hands....................Possibly consider "the roof peeled back?"
belonging to ancient angry gods,.........................This a picture I can see as I read it.

Fears grow. The tempest increases............................Did you intend to capitalize Fears because it begins a stanza?
A giant broom formed by choking wind
and rain sweeps the streets in foaming waves...............This concrete image puts me there with the N.
And yet, the only thing I can think
to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’.................The introduction of the ducks is a welcome departure after the intense buildup of the storm. Would you want to edit the "is" somehow?

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane passes and we step outside.
Among the debris of rafters and trees.............................I enjoyed the debris/trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,..............................This bright image of red scared me first time around I was worrying about the ducks and thought of drops of blood. Well done.
like petals on a bed...................................................Is petals on a bed a positive image?

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners.............................Fantastic ending to a suspenseful poem.
at houses known to give treats....................................I had to tell myself to wait for the ending because this poem was so entertaining both content-wise and sonically that I
........................................................................knew the end would provide an equally wonderful experience. The story is active, and the sounds and images work alongside the story
........................................................................to produce a happy-ending-whole. The revising work shows and the few changes I suggested are soft. Thank you for sharing.
........................................................................p.s. I'm learning the practicalities of how to post/reply/etc., I apologize for any glaring errors!
--------------------------------------------------------
Hurricane - Revision III

Roxy barked at the thumps
she heard in the house.
Her tiny body quivered
with each sharp yap.

The hurricane banged at the door,
like an angry drunk "wanting in"
to an empty boarded bar.

Jake talked of tree limbs
being torn from trunks,
and morphing into javelins
“taking out” a neighbor or two.

I pictured windows blowing out,
the house lifting and we would spiral
upward like a bird house.

My fears grew as the wind and rain increased
sweeping the street like a giant store broom,
yet all I could say was, "I hope the ducks are okay?’

Jake smiled and said, Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.”
The unshuttered windows
shook in the dark.

When the hurricane left,
we went outside. Among
the debris of siding and trees
Hibiscus blossoms seen in the yard
and I thought of petals strewn
on a bed.

The ducks were walking single file
through the littered complex, stopping
like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats.

[Luce]

Thanks Grace for the feedback.

Your critique was just fine and very much appreciated.

Welcome to PG. I think you'll like it here. Cool bunch of folks.

Luce

[Macavity]

I'm lost amongst all the revisions Luce, but you certainly have accumulated a number of options!

best

mac

[Macavity]

Apologies Luce...I had to come back!

Roxy barks at the heavy thumps
she hears in the house. Her tiny body
shakes with each sharp yap.................................I think S1 is a keeper

The hurricane bangs at our door
like an angry drunk while rain
drips in rivulets through rusted..............................rivulets...softens the sonics?..."wanting in" was harder hitting
window frames.

Jake talks of tree limbs torn
from trunks and morphing
into leafy javelins taking out
a neighbor or two................................I think this is a keeper - hits the right conversational tone

I picture windows blowing out,
the roof being peeled back by hands
belonging to ancient angry gods,...............................not sure....the angry god thing too familiar?

Fears grow. The tempest increases............................................flat telliness?
A giant broom formed by choking wind
and rain sweeps the streets in foaming waves.
And yet, the only thing I can think
to say is, "I hope the ducks are okay?’..........................................like the delivery of that

Jake smiles and says Don’t worry.
They’re smarter than us.

The hurricane moves on. We step outside...................the threat to elsewhere...passes is again too soft in the sonics?
Among the debris of rafters and trees
red blossoms are strewn in the yard,
like petals on a bed.

The ducks walk in single file
through the crumbled complex,
stopping like seasoned Halloweeners
at houses known to give treats

[Luce]

You know mac I've gotten so much feedback on this and I've changed it so often that it is beginning to sound foreign to me.

Nevertheless, I'm giving this poem one more revision. This 5th revision will contain wording, lines and images I feel strongly about keeping plus feedback that I feel moves the poem in the direction I'm aiming for.

You're welcomed to leave feedback if you wish but it is time to put this one in the drawer, for now.

It's is time to move on.

Luce