When I am Old (2nd revision of "When I am an Old Man")

[TonyMac]

When I am Old (2nd edit)

When I am old I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine,
and dream of girls that sing and dance
in basques, suspenders,
and patterned sheer black stockings
adorning flexing thighs.

I shall reach for pen and paper
and, warmed by the glow
of flickering firelight,
I shall record memories;
letting my pen follow my dreams
with amusement, pleasure,
and a trace of recalled lust.

But now and then,
the pen will describe pain;
moments of refusal,
spurned advances,
the pathos of self pity
as my dreaming follows life
with its layers
of pleasure and pain.

But now it is time
for courage,
feigned confidence,
hidden trembling,
untied tongue:
time to make my way in the world.
For when I am old I would write
of things I know.



When I am Old (First edit)

When I am old I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine,
and dream of girls that sing and dance
in basques, suspenders,
and patterned sheer black stockings.

I shall reach for pen and paper
and my pen will follow the dreams
with amusement, pleasure,
and a trace of remembered lust.

But now and then,
inevitably,
the pen will describe pathos;
as my dreaming follows life
with its layers
of pleasure and pain.

But for now
I will do what I must:
preparing myself by experience.
For when I am old I would write
of things that I know.


When I am an Old Man

When I am an old man I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine
and dream of basques, suspenders and
stocking tops.
Of dancing girls and singing girls
and patterned fishnet stockings
on long legs.
I shall lift my pen and write
of amusement, pleasure and
even lust.
But always pathos, for I shall write of life
with its sadness between its joys.
But for now
I will do what I must.
Prepare myself with experience.
For when I am an old man I will write with confidence,
of things I know.

[JJWilliamson]

Really enjoyed this one, Tony

It reminded me of "Warning" by Jenny Joseph

Not much to add apart from:

When I am an Old Man

When I am an old man I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine ...Love the wordplay here
and dream of basques, suspenders and ...Breaking on conjunctions tends to slow the line. Generally speaking it's recommended that we avoid breaks on prepositions, conjunctions and the definite and indefinite articles.
stocking tops. ...Wondering about this full stop. Would a comma or semi serve? Possibly a colon. Not sure if I'm honest.
Of dancing girls and singing girls
and patterned fishnet stockings
on long legs. ...I'd either cut this line or make more of it. Get salacious. EG 'Lovely long legs' would give you a run on consonance, thereby developing the humour further. Make it a kind of 'ahem' moment.
I shall lift my pen and write
of amusement, pleasure and ...There's that dangling conjunction again.
even lust.
But always pathos, for I shall write of life ...I like the turn. Very Jenny Jo' (nearly wrote JJ)
with its sadness between its joys.
But for now
I will do what I must.
Prepare myself with experience.
For when I am an old man I will write with confidence, ...I think you could easily drop 'with confidence'.
of things I know.

Just a few minor points for your deliberation. Make of them what you will.

Much enjoyed

Best

JJ

[Ros]

Enjoyed! I agree with JJ that it's stronger to end the line on a strong word rather than 'and'. Is there a better title perhaps rather than just the first line?

Ros

[bodkin]

Just dropping by to say I also enjoyed and the feedback already given covers the things I think I'd say.

I would definitely go with a semicolon before the "Of dancing girls" because the following section isn't a sentence in its own right...

Ian

[Luce]

I immediately thought of "Warning" by JJ too. It so happens to be one of my favorite poems. I think it's the beginning lines that immediately makes me think of her poem. With this in mind, you may want to change your opening lines a bit to cut down on the strong association.

A little more imagery would be nice also, especially as it concerns these lines:

"I shall lift my pen and write
of amusement, pleasure and
even lust.

Luce

When I am an Old Man

When I am an old man I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine
and dream of basques, suspenders and
stocking tops.
Of dancing girls and singing girls
and patterned fishnet stockings
on long legs.
I shall lift my pen and write
of amusement, pleasure and
even lust.
But always pathos, for I shall write of life
with its sadness between its joys.
But for now
I will do what I must.
Prepare myself with experience.
For when I am an old man I will write with confidence,
of things I know.

[Firebird]

I like it, but think it needs tighten up a little in places. Comments below.

When I am an Old Man

When I am an old man I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine
and dream of basques, suspenders and
stocking tops. (This image is a little generic for me. Couldn't you make it More unique/individual)
Of dancing girls and singing girls
and patterned fishnet stockings
on long legs. (Again, this is too generic for me)
I shall lift my pen and write
of amusement, pleasure and
even lust. (Not sure you need 'even')
But always pathos, for I shall write of life (not sure about the use of 'pathos'. It doesn't really suit the tone of the rest of the poem, and it's very telly)
with its sadness between its joys. (Great line)
But for now (can you get rid of this 'but' or the one two lines back?)
I will do what I must.
Prepare myself with experience.
For when I am an old man I will write with confidence, ('with confidence' can go)
of things I know.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

[TonyMac]

Thank you all for your interesting and thoughtful comments. I have used most of them as I have rewritten the poem. I hope it makes you smile

[Luce]

If I had to choose between the two versions, I'd pick the original. The revision has less imagery than the original and you desperately need imagery in the poem. Bring back the long legs, fish net stockings at least. Not sure what basques are? Are they berets?

Luce

P.S. I'd indicate that this is a revision in the title bar too and not just on top of the poem. Why are you underlining the poem's title BTW? At best, the title should be put in quotes, if you want to be formal about it. I don't think there is a need here since it's a poetry board.

Additional Comments:

When I am Old (First edit)

See comment above about underlining title.

When I am old I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine,
and dream of girls that sing and dance
in basques, suspenders,
and patterned sheer black stockings.

I like the opening imagery but would arrange it differently for greater effect:

When I am old I shall sit back
rosey with red wine
and dream of girls dancing
in basques, suspenders
and sheer fish net stockings
on long legs.

I shall reach for pen and paper
and my pen will follow the dreams
with amusement, pleasure,
and a trace of remembered lust.

No imagery here. You need imagery.

But now and then,
inevitably,
the pen will describe pathos;
as my dreaming follows life
with its layers
of pleasure and pain.

You need imagery here too. Give me a image of pathos, pain and pleasure.

But for now
I will do what I must:
preparing myself by experience.
For when I am old I would write
of things that I know.

I'd give the reader an image of how you would prepare yourself:

1. Would you trek through the Amazon and live with an indigenous tribe?
2. Snowboard down a mountain?
3. Baby sit toddlers? That's hazardous duty in itself.

When I am an Old Man

When I am an old man I shall sit back,
rosy with red wine
and dream of basques, suspenders and
stocking tops.
Of dancing girls and singing girls
and patterned fishnet stockings
on long legs.
I shall lift my pen and write
of amusement, pleasure and
even lust.
But always pathos, for I shall write of life
with its sadness between its joys.
But for now
I will do what I must.
Prepare myself with experience.
For when I am an old man I will write with confidence,
of things I know.[/quote]

[cynwulf]

Really enjoyed this. I am with Luce, the sustained eroticism of the first version seems to me to give greater power to the poem.

regards,c.

[TonyMac]

Thank you both. I have tried to follow the advice you give - particularly about more descriptive lines in this second edit.
This really just started as a fun piece after talking to my daughter about the poem "When I am old I shall wear purple" by Jenny Joseph. She laughed when I said I should put some of the ideas you can read in my poem and I thought if it makes her laugh...........
BTW my daughter is a grandmother in her own right so according to my birth certificate I'm already an old man so my poem is either pure imagination or is a backward look through experience, I'll leave that decision to you. -

BTW a basque is an item of female underwear :-

"basque
bask,bɑːsk/Submit
noun
a close-fitting bodice extending from the shoulders to the waist and typically with a short continuation below waist level."

[JJWilliamson]

Now that's a poem. Nicely tightened and an improvement on rev 1.

I wonder if you'd mind adding the revision in the title IE When I am an Old Man (Rev2)
to let me and others know you've revised this piece. I can see you've done that in the
poem's thread but I have to open the poem to realise you've revised it. I actually stumbled
across your revisions through my eagerness to read this again.

Best

JJ

[TonyMac]

Now that's a poem. Nicely tightened and an improvement on rev 1.

I wonder if you'd mind adding the revision in the title IE When I am an Old Man (Rev2)
to let me and others know you've revised this piece. I can see you've done that in the
poem's thread but I have to open the poem to realise you've revised it. I actually stumbled
across your revisions through my eagerness to read this again.

Best

JJ

Thank you JJ, I have done as you advise. I'm glad you feel that, with the help of suggestions from the members, the poem has been improved

[Luce]

A basque is a corset? Good grief!!! We just say plain corset. Well, that's a relief. The image of Basque locals in berets in suspenders and fish net stockings was haunting me.

Now the image of dancing girls in sexy corsets, garter straps and fish neck stockings comes to mind. Thank God.

BTW, I like "fish net stockings" as oppose to "patterned sheer black stockings". It's more vivid.

It's too bad we won't get an indirect glimpse of your "wild and wooly" days" in the poem. Judging by the opening imagery, they must of been wooly indeed.

Luce

[TonyMac]

Thanks for your kind thoughts Luce
I like to think that if I ever have a tombstone then on it could be inscribed "Here lies a man who lived"
But it's more likely that I'll be cremated and the ashes dropped in the dustbin