Theatre

[benjywenjy]

If streets could talk, what tales would
they tell? if structures could
speak what might we hear?

stories of tender love and tragedy,
in strobe lit streets
and piss-stained alleys,

beautifull clips of life,
recorded by unseeing glass
and the hollow acoustics of emptiness,

What great actors have crawled
these concrete floorboards,
or bathed in amber spot lights,

how many tears have
dripped into rusting drains,
or mingled in the muddy mirrors of the stars,

performances unnoticed, save by the roar of passing cars
the clap of doors slamming,
and the flash photography of evening windows,

How many theatres do we cross each day
where echoes remain, stored
in inarticulate steel and concrete
a solid secret, a mute scribe

[barrie]

'All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:'

You done quite a good job of the old theme -

'beautifull clips of life,
recorded by unseeing glass
and the hollow acoustics of emptiness,'

Some good use of language here - two lines really stand out:

'or mingled in the muddy mirrors of the stars,' and,

'and the flash photography of evening windows' - brilliant stuff.

My only problem is the first verse -

'If streets could talk, what tales would
they tell? if structures could
speak what might we hear?'

You need a different image to introduce this conception. 'If walls could talk' is something we hear all the time. You need to find something fresh to unlock their secrets. Reminds me of a ghost story called 'the Stone Tape', about a stone structure being a sort of recording device for past events. Here's a link, you may find something worthwhile -

http://www.dvdtimes.co.uk/content.php?contentid=3707

I enjoyed this one.

cheers

Barrie

[anniecat]

Hi, thought it was good, nice and clear.
doors slamming (typo)


or mingled in the muddy mirrors of the stars, ......liked that
recorded by unseeing glass
and the hollow acoustics of emptiness, .......liked that
and piss-stained alley's, .............few of them in my town

And Barries right but that will be a hard one (shells of privercy) i dunno hav'nt got a clue..urban shelters, mans constuctions.....???????
rambling now, i will go. AC

[Jester]

I thought this really came to its own in the 5th - then excelled in the 6th - fanbloodytastic to me -

performances unnoticed, save the roar of passing cars
the clap of doors slamming,
and the flash photography of evening windows

I agree with Barrie that it needs something different to introduce it.
How about sub-atomic particles/string theory stuff.......mmmm..........maybe I'm rambling too!

Nice read.
Mick

[benjywenjy]

hey guys

glad you liked it, the 6th stanza is my favourite by far as well.

I'll work on some kind of introduction, though am stumped for idea's at the moment.

benjy

[anniecat]

Tis only us few out most nights on these ere posts

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Benjy,
I agree pretty much with everything that's been said.
You need a "BY" after save, though, to go with unnoticed.

Geoff

[benjywenjy]

I'm not sure it needs the by in it, it chnages the way the line sounds and in my opinion makes it sound a little unnatural....but I'd be interested in getting the opinion of others.......what does everybody else think?

benjy

[anniecat]

Hey,
I think.. performances unnoticed, save the roar of passing cars
is fine.

or........ perfomances go unnoticed save the passing cars?AC

[benjywenjy]

Ac thats a better flowing line

cheers

benjy

[calxaed]

Hi, thought this was good, and I echo what others have said about 'mingled in the muddy mirrors of the stars', I also liked the last stanza, 'echoes stored in inarticulate steel and concrete' is a good image.
I think I may be developing a monomania on this subject(not as bad as this guy though http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/ ), but there are a couple of mistakes with apostrophes: piss stained alley's (alleys), how many theatre's (theatres).

[benjywenjy]

cheers calxaed, apostrophes were never my strong point
will rectify this problem later

benjy

[twoleftfeet]

Hi again,
At the risk of sounding like a pedantic old git,
if you omit "by" then "roaring cars" are performing; put it in and they
are applauding a performance. Ditto the doors and windows.
Anyway, that's my oar firmly stuck in.

P.O.G

[benjywenjy]

lol, point taken, will change it

benjy

[shijin]

Hi

Really liked some of the images in your poem that have already been commented on. Was thinking about your opening lines and was wondering whether something along the following lines might work?

Streets have tales to tell
so listen carefully
and you might hear

stories of tender love and tragedy,
in strobe lit streets
and piss-stained alleys,

Shijin.