Gravity loves the heavy heart

[figure eight]

Gravity loves the heavy heart

At sub-five foot
she took his weight
and waited.

She picked up his pieces,
patched him up.
They were broken,
She was shattered.

Next time he falls,
those last five feet
will hurt the most.

Gravity loves the heavy heart.




(I would love help to sort this out. I think there's something there? But needs work/help. Seems overly cliched and lacking poetry. Having a bit of a block recently and hoping that trying to sort out some unfinished stuff migt help me start something new. I don't mind harsh criticism at all. I've posted here as I don't think it's up to the quality on the experienced boards)

[pseud]

Good idea to write the poem before the naming. Question is, I guess, who Is Dr. Thomas?

Surgeon? Dentist? Theologian? Psychiatrist?



You saw me fall
and caught me. - I'd delete this

picked up my pieces, - change this


fixed me...
but not us. - could be said better, but I guess it works.


This is a good start -

At sub-five foot
You took my weight,
waited,

Next time,
those last five feet
will hurt most.

Gravity loves a heavy heart.

Beyond that, I don't know how to help.

- Caleb

[figure eight]

Dr Thomas was my ex. Well still is suppose as a girlfriend's not forever but an ex is.

Looking at this again I think you're right, it might be beyond help. Might save a couple of lines for something else.

[Macavity]

At sub-five foot
he took her weight,
waited,

Next time,
those last five feet
will hurt most.

Gravity loves a heavy heart.

Sometimes the 'I' tends to exclude others eg the reader

cheers

Mac

[figure eight]

I like the idea of not excluding the reader. I'd never looked at it like that before but it makes sense. I've had a qick edit but think I'll try and come back to it again later. Thanks for the help.

[shijin]

I didn't see the original but just wanted to say how much I particularly like the opening two lines. I also like your sparse style - I think it conveys the mood well.

My only suggestion would be for the third line as below:


At sub-five foot,
she took his weight,
and waited
until he picked up his pieces,

For me the last two lines of the first verse didn't flow as well as the rest...and I think I would have placed the pause after 'waited' to convey the sense of waiting.

Feel free to ignore me <g am new here and finding my feet!

[figure eight]

I wouldn't ignore you at all. Think you made some good points. Again I've had another edit. Changed the last line and added a little to the middle. Do you think I should include the title at the end?