I'll be honest, It's not the longest piece it's taken me to write. I wrote it today in a style and words which just seemed to come out of me. hehe.
Anywho I know it's not top notch and it needs work so would love comments and critasism to help make it better.
Thank you.
xx
My only escape
My 10 minutes away
Is the exact same place
My problems evolve day to day
My piece and quiet
when I choose to be silent
And my confused mind isn't relying
On other people to say when I stop crying
I write my thoughts down
I know how I feel but I just don't know how
To express myself in a way to be proud
Sometimes, once in a while, I'll get my words straight, when no ones around
But I manage to find a way
To spill my heart on a clear page
A new leaf begins nearly every day
I'm faced with the same problem, I don't know how to say
1st draft - needs feedback please
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Jester
- Preponderant Poster
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Hi Senwaar.
Yes....it's very tempting to do that, and I think most poeple who get into poetry without any formal training get hooked on it because it's a form of release from "Earthly" frustrations - it's relaxing like a drug.
My only escape
My 10 minutes away (where? what does it look like?)
Is the exact same place
My problems evolve day to day (what problems? could this be put as something else that paints a picture of the problems?)
My piece and quiet (sp. peace)
when I choose to be silent
And my confused mind isn't relying (let's get a clear picture - )
On other people to say when I stop crying (make us see the tears)
I write my thoughts down (think in pictures - and write that down)
I know how I feel but I just don't know how
To express myself in a way to be proud (lower case for "to")
Sometimes, once in a while, I'll get my words straight, when no ones around ("ones" is short for one is, so should be "one's" .....and how many ways must there be to describe "when no one's around"?)
But I manage to find a way
To spill my heart on a clear page
A new leaf begins nearly every day (I liked this - you could even take it further and link it to a plant or something)
I'm faced with the same problem, I don't know how to say (well, hopefully,
you've come to the right place)
Hope you didn't find my observations too hard, but if you want to write a good poem you need to entertain your readers - be descriptive. Have a look on here for the poems that are attracting a lot of attention, and have a look at the criticisms attached.
Keep going - we're all improvers.
Mick
Yes....it's very tempting to do that, and I think most poeple who get into poetry without any formal training get hooked on it because it's a form of release from "Earthly" frustrations - it's relaxing like a drug.
My only escape
My 10 minutes away (where? what does it look like?)
Is the exact same place
My problems evolve day to day (what problems? could this be put as something else that paints a picture of the problems?)
My piece and quiet (sp. peace)
when I choose to be silent
And my confused mind isn't relying (let's get a clear picture - )
On other people to say when I stop crying (make us see the tears)
I write my thoughts down (think in pictures - and write that down)
I know how I feel but I just don't know how
To express myself in a way to be proud (lower case for "to")
Sometimes, once in a while, I'll get my words straight, when no ones around ("ones" is short for one is, so should be "one's" .....and how many ways must there be to describe "when no one's around"?)
But I manage to find a way
To spill my heart on a clear page
A new leaf begins nearly every day (I liked this - you could even take it further and link it to a plant or something)
I'm faced with the same problem, I don't know how to say (well, hopefully,
you've come to the right place)
Hope you didn't find my observations too hard, but if you want to write a good poem you need to entertain your readers - be descriptive. Have a look on here for the poems that are attracting a lot of attention, and have a look at the criticisms attached.
Keep going - we're all improvers.
Mick
-
ilookalikeadragon
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:02 am
hey i liked ur poem... its so true... but it needs description ... i can't really be the one to talk cuz i have trouble with descriptive stuff... but i understand now.. that poetry really does need to be more in depth.. or it just sounds like prose....good job though
Please check the forum rules - You are expected to write at least two crits per poem posted. To date, you've posted three poems and not a single crit - and you ask for feedback. Would you like to catch up on all the feedback that you should also be giving - that's how the forum works. Please give the work of others a chance and let them know what YOU think. Everyone should be helping everyone else, so don't be afraid to join in and have your say.
cheers
Barrie
cheers
Barrie