A Heart Tells All

[Macavity]

She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and when he's late
he finds a key beneath the flower pot.

A lot to do today, no time to curl
so warm between these sheets, to dream of him
unclothing hips as white as uncooked chips.

She leaves the cheese and crisps and takes her flask
of soup, but nothing stirs behind this door
except the scent beneath the polished floor.

[barrie]

'She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day'

Interesting image , the 'trouser crease' puts me in mind of the prow of a ship cutting through the water.

One thing here that spoils the whole piece is -

'hips as white as uncooked chips.' - I could never compare a womans hips with chips - they rhyme, that's it. That's my only gripe - the rest reads well.

cheers

Barrie

[Macavity]

Thanks Barrie. The line is there to signify an element of unhealthiness.

mac

[calxaed]

I liked 'unclothing hips as white as uncooked chips. ', Definitely an unexpected rhyme and very funny(hope that was the intention). Might be interesting to see a female perspective on this one.

[shijin]

As a woman I have to say I liked the descpription of hips like chips - more for the colour they evoked than anything else. Very pasty came to mind....

Other than that I found the meter a bit difficult when reading it aloud. Wonder if something could be done to the line breaks and the punctuation to ease this.

[Macavity]

Thank you shijin and calxaed. A humour was intended, though the poem's seeded from a Poe story

cheers

mac

[benjywenjy]

hey I'd agree with Barrie, the first two lines really stuck out. But hips and chips is a bit of a dodgy line and seems to have been written purely for the rhyme...I didn't get the humour of it, but maybe thats just me....

thanks for posting

benjy

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Nice images in this, however I'm confused by the overall picture. (Not unusual for me!) What I'm imagining is an empty/non-existent relationship


"She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day "

loved it!

"... unclothing hips as white as uncooked chips. "

Reminded me of a song "My Girl's A Corker" (poss. Aust origins)

"She leaves the cheese and crisps and takes her flask
of soup, but nothing stirs behind this door
except the scent beneath the polished floor"

Completely lost now! But I like the images.

Thanks for posting

Dave

[Macavity]

Thanks again guys.

Some context to the poem: http://www.literature.org/authors/poe-e ... heart.html

cheers

mac