love & loss (alternative)

[Luce]

JJ - Yes, to all of them.

Luce

feelings
are abstract
until
she smiles

~ ~ ~

feelings
are abstract
until
you hold
her

~ ~ ~

feelings
are abstract
until
she kisses
your brow

~ ~ ~

Feelings
are abstract
until
you read
the letter

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Luce

I think I'll call this little episode closed.

JJ

[David]

Yes. Much better. At last, something happens in the poem(s).

You shouldn't have removed all the previous versions, though. Apart from anything else it's disrespectful to those who commented on them.

And we never got to discuss whether feelings are ever abstract. Is it a contradiction in terms? Discuss. Or not.

Cheers

David

[JJWilliamson]

You shouldn't have removed all the previous versions, though. Apart from anything else it's disrespectful to those who commented on them.

Ah, you're right, and I always leave the originals and any revisions. I'll see what I can do.
Had an awful lot on my mind lately.

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

Ok, David, the originals and revisions are now included in the post.
Hope that clears things up.

I was using abstract in the context of something that doesn't have
a physical or concrete existence but does affect how we feel.
It's a conceptual phenomenon that is almost impossible to define.
There's a good deal of subjectivity to wade through as well.

That girl is beautiful. Do you think so; I'd say she's rather plain.
If you could see her through my eyes you'd change your mind.

Best

JJ

[David]

Sorry, JJ, I think the tone I took in my last post was rather more hectoring than it should have been. Bad of me.

God to see the narrative history of the poem, though - and a good result. I found the experience rather like watching someone bent over a pile of unlikely-looking twigs with a sorry-looking match, and thinking "that's never going to catch fire" ... and then whooosh!

Cheers

David

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks for getting back, David.

No problems at all. I couldn't have agreed with you more and am grateful for the nudge. I would have kicked myself
when I eventually realised what I'd done.

The comments and revisions really helped with this one, both positive and negative. A touch of tenacity goes a long way.

Best

JJ

Sorry, JJ, I think the tone I took in my last post was rather more hectoring than it should have been. Bad of me.

God to see the narrative history of the poem, though - and a good result. I found the experience rather like watching someone bent over a pile of unlikely-looking twigs with a sorry-looking match, and thinking "that's never going to catch fire" ... and then whooosh!

Cheers

David

[Crayon]

feelings
are abstract
until
she smiles

~ ~ ~

feelings
are abstract
until
you hold
her

~ ~ ~

feelings
are abstract
until
she kisses
your brow

~ ~ ~

Feelings
are abstract
until
you read
the letter

JJ, I don't wish to spoil the wrap party, but doesn't S2, S3 and S4 each negate their previous stanza by extending the time until feelings are no longer abstract?

Also, I'm not sure what the three tildes between stanzas are for.

BTW, one of your comments prompted this thought:

Beauty,
in the eye
of the beholder,
until blinded.

[JJWilliamson]

I thought you said crap party. It's my eyes.

I saw them as progressive as one revelation follows another, culminating in loss. The difficulties in defining 'abstract'
become apparent as love is represented through intangible concepts. We must experience them to get a handle on them.

The tildes are there to look nice! Obviously. They could easily go.

JJ, I don't wish to spoil the wrap party, but doesn't S2, S3 and S4 each negate their previous stanza by extending the time until feelings are no longer abstract?

Also, I'm not sure what the three tildes between stanzas are for.

BTW, one of your comments prompted this thought:

Beauty,
in the eye
of the beholder,
until blinded. ...This is eerily close to my current predicament. After nearly three years of clear scans for my good eye, it has just started to fail. I'm half-blind in the other eye. (Not that you can tell to look at me) Meds can keep the threat at bay indefinitely so I'm not too downhearted. I was taken to hospital by ambulance a week ago with a suspected stroke, but all was clear. Doc said I could take a lot of comfort from our most recent discussion. I have been distracted, though. Anyway, enough of that. I liked your version.

Best

JJ

[David]

...This is eerily close to my current predicament. After nearly three years of clear scans for my good eye, it has just started to fail. I'm half-blind in the other eye. (Not that you can tell to look at me) Meds can keep the threat at bay indefinitely so I'm not too downhearted. I was taken to hospital by ambulance a week ago with a suspected stroke, but all was clear. Doc said I could take a lot of comfort from our most recent discussion. I have been distracted, though. Anyway, enough of that. I liked your version.

Blimey JJ. That's quite a bit of information to smuggle into a response to a crit. My very best wishes to you.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

I don't doubt that you've been distracted. I'm glad things are looking hopeful, JJ - my best wishes too.

I think the poems have a nice sense of progression now.

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, David and Ros

I'm keeping my chin up but it came as something of a shock. Naturally, I suspected the worst and was actually pleased with the test results.
I feel and look as normal as I ever, and spent a lot of time in the garden today, in spite of the scare. Doc said it was ok to go about my daily duties as normal.

So, onwards and upwards. Touch wood.

Pleased you thought the progression was working, Ros. Thanks for that.

Best

JJ

[Crayon]

Beauty,
in the eye
of the beholder,
until blinded. ...This is eerily close to my current predicament. After nearly three years of clear scans for my good eye, it has just started to fail. I'm half-blind in the other eye. (Not that you can tell to look at me) Meds can keep the threat at bay indefinitely so I'm not too downhearted. I was taken to hospital by ambulance a week ago with a suspected stroke, but all was clear. Doc said I could take a lot of comfort from our most recent discussion. I have been distracted, though. Anyway, enough of that. I liked your version.

Oh shit; big mouth strikes again.

JJ, you may be abstract to me (only existing in the form of words) but I feel sadder for reading that news. Wishing the best for you, and hoping you've got much more tangible support close by.

I think a romantic revision is warranted, in honour of your continuing vision:

Beauty,
in the eye
of the beholder,
since blinded
by her smile.

[JJWilliamson]

Cheers, Crayon.

I thought it was highly apt.

thanks for dropping back in. No prob's here.

JJ (exceedingly tangible)

[NotQuiteSure]

JJ
Just wanted to echo David's 'blimey' and 'best wishes'.
And lacking a certain sensitivity to ask if
(Not that you can tell to look at me)
was (visually impaired) humour
Take very good care, Not

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Not

I've been cracking little jokes since it first began. I even said to the medic,
"I couldn't believe my eyes, to coin a phrase". He laughed.

Best

JJ