True Believer - Revision
To start again with you
is no small job. I shiver
in my shoes although
the day is hot.
The night you left, leaving
fresh scars on my arms
is a memory I can't erase.
But, call me a fool for I forgive
all you've done, my darling,
my fluffy, chunky tailed tom.
Luce
True Believer
To start again with you
is no small job. I shiver
in my shoes at the prospect,
although the day is hot.
The night you left, leaving
fresh scars on my face,
is a memory I cannot erase.
But, call me a fool for I forgive
all you have done, my darling,
my fluffy, chunky tailed tom.
Luce
True Believer - Revision
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Crayon
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Mon Oct 03, 2016 8:12 pm
- Location: Betwixt marshes, Kent, UK.
As a cat-person, it's a heart-melter.Luce wrote:True Believer
To start again with you
is no small job. I shiver
in my shoes at the prospect,
although the day is hot.
The night you left, leaving
fresh scars on my face,
is a memoryI cannot erase.
But, call me a fool for I forgive
all you have done, my darling,
my fluffy, chunky tailed tom.
I'm not clear on the title; what exactly is the narrator a 'true believer' of?
You could maybe heighten the bait before the switch that reveals the presumed lover to actually be a cat.
Here's a mess of suggestions thrown into a rehash:
To begin again will be no mean feet.
I'm chilled by the thought, yet the day is hot,
and cannot erase that night you left; fresh
scratches on my face. But call me a fool,
for I forgive all you've done, my darling
fluffy fat-tailed tom.
wisteria
glares mauve ~
sleepless dawn
glares mauve ~
sleepless dawn
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Too many cats crapping in my garden for me to warm to your fluffy Tom, Luce. Soz.
I had the pleasure of removing a few reeking deposits yesterday. New neighbour
has about six of the little shitting machines. Nearly cries if you mention it.
I still smile and say hello when we pass in the street, though. She smiles back.
Now if it had been a dog poem (friendly dog) you'd a' had me all the way.
You need a space after 'memory'. Typo.
Best
JJ
PS
why don't they crap in their own garden? Is it because they're clever enough not to foul their own space.
J
I had the pleasure of removing a few reeking deposits yesterday. New neighbour
has about six of the little shitting machines. Nearly cries if you mention it.
I still smile and say hello when we pass in the street, though. She smiles back.
Now if it had been a dog poem (friendly dog) you'd a' had me all the way.
You need a space after 'memory'. Typo.
Best
JJ
PS
why don't they crap in their own garden? Is it because they're clever enough not to foul their own space.
J
Long time a child and still a child
Lou, Crayon, mac, JJ & Tristan - Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on the poem folks.
I didn't necessarily meant it to be a "cat" poem but a piece about misconceptions and how one can be in denial about something or someone that is harming them. And yet, even though they may admit they are being hurt they may do nothing to correct or stop it for a myriad of reasons.
Lou - Don't quite see how face/erase can be cornball. Nevertheless, I changed the image to the arm since using the face was a little too strong for me, in the end. This changes the off rhyme to arm/scar, which is a little softer and less predictable. I'm also hoping it gives a bit of a hint to the reader that things may not be what they seem.
Crayon - I put "True Believer" as the title because of the N's apparent belief that the thing she loves can do no harm even though he's harming her. I don't want to necessarily up the violence. After all, It's a light piece.
mac - How can you not like cats? I'm mean really. You pagan. They're walking pieces of art - same as dogs and all creatures great and small. Even skeeters are beautiful. It doesn't stop me from whacking them dead, dead, dead,,, but hey.
Yes, I can see your view point about it being formulaic in general. However, did you really expect a tom
in the end?
JJ - What's a little cat crap among neighbors. It's better than duck or pigeon poop on your driveway or on your windshield.
Tristan - Sorry, it didn't grab you.
The thing with doing a "turn" is that it may be a form of betrayal or disappointment for some readers. I took that chance. I guess I should of taken into account "cat-haters" too. I mean, dang!!
Luce
I didn't necessarily meant it to be a "cat" poem but a piece about misconceptions and how one can be in denial about something or someone that is harming them. And yet, even though they may admit they are being hurt they may do nothing to correct or stop it for a myriad of reasons.
Lou - Don't quite see how face/erase can be cornball. Nevertheless, I changed the image to the arm since using the face was a little too strong for me, in the end. This changes the off rhyme to arm/scar, which is a little softer and less predictable. I'm also hoping it gives a bit of a hint to the reader that things may not be what they seem.
Crayon - I put "True Believer" as the title because of the N's apparent belief that the thing she loves can do no harm even though he's harming her. I don't want to necessarily up the violence. After all, It's a light piece.
mac - How can you not like cats? I'm mean really. You pagan. They're walking pieces of art - same as dogs and all creatures great and small. Even skeeters are beautiful. It doesn't stop me from whacking them dead, dead, dead,,, but hey.
Yes, I can see your view point about it being formulaic in general. However, did you really expect a tom
in the end?
JJ - What's a little cat crap among neighbors. It's better than duck or pigeon poop on your driveway or on your windshield.
Tristan - Sorry, it didn't grab you.
The thing with doing a "turn" is that it may be a form of betrayal or disappointment for some readers. I took that chance. I guess I should of taken into account "cat-haters" too. I mean, dang!!
Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Luce wrote:
JJ - What's a little cat crap among neighbors. It's better than duck or pigeon poop on your driveway or on your windshield.
A little!! I could cope with that. Nothing better than a little cat poop to start the day. Just removed some more this morning. Delightful.
Don't mind me, I'm only half-kidding.
Both versions hint at domestic violence and the denial you mention in your reply, but the cat weakens that position.
My dog accidentally ripped my thumb with his milk teeth (sharp as needles) when he was a puppy. They'll occasionally
catch your fingers when offering a titbit/tidbit. It's standard stuff and part of the deal. Perhaps another metaphor,
or remove the fluffy nature of the cat and focus on some fresher attributes. As it reads you're telling me you love your cat.
With that in mind I genuinely feel uncomfortable dissing cats in general.
There, that's what I should've said first time round.
JJ
Long time a child and still a child