True Love Wars [v2]

[Crayon]

Dear Reader, do you prefer the v2A ending or the v2B ending?


[v2A]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer.

I've heard all these lies too many times long before;
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw?
My friends, they all told me that my judgement was poor,
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure.

Now you're looking at me like I'm being a bore;
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw
and pretend that our love has just one minor flaw:
we live on the brink of a nuclear war.


[v2B]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer.

I've heard all these lies too many times long before;
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw?
My friends, they all told me that my judgement was poor,
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure.

Now you're looking at me like I'm being a bore;
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw.
It's been long overdue; we should level the score
and accept that our love has just one fatal flaw:

the mutual destruction of nuclear war.


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[v1]
True Love Wars

I can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore,
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw:
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.

[camus]

Indeed.

The first two lines of each stanza ring very true, good stuff.

Not sure the animosity of each of the second two lines ad much, other than a bitter and twisted N? Far better, surely, to be bitter and twisted with panache?

And personally I'd swaps arse for tits, have you tried nailing an arse to a floor? Has anyone?

Cheers
Shifty

[Luce]

Okay. You're faithful to your rhyme scheme - which is a challenging one. I also noted that each line contains 12 syllables except for the last one which has 11.

Were you trying for syllabic verse with a definite # of beats per line or did you just wanted to keep to a strict syllabic count per line regardless of the beats?

Now to content. I get the N's contempt for the subject but I don't get the other side - the reason why the N stays in the relationship. I don't know if being labeled a bore is enough of a reason really to stay in the relationship. I can see how one partner can provide all the excitement (love/life) for the other. Maybe a few more lines fleshing that reason out would be good, if that's what you were going for

Luce

I can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor.

L1-You usually can't stand an action. Maybe a mannerism would be a better image then. Pick an annoying habit. For example, I had a boyfriend I adored. But, we gradually drifted apart. I knew it was over when I looked at him nibbling on a sandwich and thought to myself, "Ugh, he eats like chipmunk."
L2 - Maybe "through" as oppose to "in" a door?
L3 - Nice alty with faker/fucker.
L4 - Can't get the image of nailing an arse to the floor. Now if this was a guy...well... we'd have something handy to work with.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore,
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw:
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.

L5 to L7 - See comments on top about this reason.
L8 - It doesn't seem that you need heat - rather the oppose. You need something cold to keep the relationship from boiling over. Resentment, contempt, anger - all hot emotions. I think an image depicting something cold and huge would be more fitting.

[JJWilliamson]

Direct and accessible tragicomedy that will ring a few bells. Tough rhyme scheme to maintain
but you manage it.

I can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor. ...Good use of colloquialisms throughout. This reads as anapestic tetrameter with one extra syllable in L1. I think 'that' is superfluous to the requirements of meter and content.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore, ...Hints at "nag"
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw: ...Remove 'the' to maintain strict meter. The line doesn't suffer for its removal.
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.

Entertaining piece that could maybe stand an extra verse, preferably in the middle with a different rhyme scheme. Give it a bit of context.
It's entertaining as is, though.

Some of your lines start with an iamb, but that's fine and not unusual for this type of jaunty romp.

Best

JJ

PS The title is hardly a doozy.

J

[Firebird]

Hi Crayon,

Just to let you know, I agree with what another crit said: the first two lines of each stanza ring true, but the second two seem over the top and IMHP don't add a great deal. You have the start of something worth while pursuing here. But it needs more concrete specifics about the relationship, not just the psychological landscape.

Cheers,

Tristan

I can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore,
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw:
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.

[Lou]

I like the ironical reference in the title to the romantic song, 'True love ways', but I don't warm to the rest of the poem much. It's a bit of a rant and couples' romantic squabbles are rarely interesting. I agree with the reader who found it hard to believe such a violently aggressive narrator would be concerned at being thought a bore. Good rhyme scheme though.

Best,
Lou

[ton321]

can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore,
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw:
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.


You can feel the crockery flying in this one! Liked the dominant d's in the first two lines. I liked also the next two lines with its fricatives and expletives! Do you even need the second verse? Just extend the feeling from the first verse without trying to tie it up too neatly afterwards. Just my twopenneth,
Tony

[Crayon]

camus - thank you for your feedback. I thought the abundant animosity was needed to set up the "nuclear war" punchline. Panache is a rare commodity in the midst of infidelity, but I seewotyasayin.

At first, I did think of 'tits' for the nailing, but it's too ugly an image, even for my catholic taste. Nailing an arse (or feet) to the floor is figurative for stopping someone from moving about, and going out. But also, nail, like screw, can be a euphemism for fuck. I just assumed everyone arse nails on the floor.

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Luce - thank you for such detailed input. The syllable count was me trying to be tidy, but I mainly wanted a regular (steam-train-like) rhythm, so I guess 'beats' were my priority.

The narrator is in love/obsession, but their lover is less so, and if the narrator becomes a 'bore' (too critical, too needy) they will likely get dumped. (That's changed in version 2.)

You're right, it should be can't stand what they 'do', rather than 'say'. But the poem is set during a verbal fight, so I've kept 'say' and changed 'stand' to 'hear'.

I've tried to avoid gender specifics so that it could be read as guys, or girls, or hetros either way round.

The last line was the narrator trying to justify the endless discord as being vital for their so-called love.

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JJ - thank you for your sound analysis. I didn't know what "anapestic tetrameter" means when I wrote this, but I've since got myself learned and now see that you're saying that each line goes doo-doo-dah x 4.

I count 12 syllables in L1; the same as all other lines except L8, which has 11.

The poem is supposed to be an internal outburst [inburst?] of anger, so I thought it needed to be short and sharp, and not break from that one rhyme sound, which I think has a kind of ferocity in its monotony. I may try your challenge to add another verse, but with the same rhyme scheme.

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Firebird - thank you for your feedback, and encouragement. I'll see what I can do.

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Lou - thank you. Yes, I was rather pleased with the title's twisted reference. I didn't write the poem so much to give readers a view into other couples, but more to recognise what they may have experienced themselves. The poem is the narrator's internal thoughts, and they are not necessarily that violent on the outside. Well, not just yet.

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ton321 - thank you. I'm pleased that you like the sonics, which are something I've not given much thought to before. I don't understand what you mean about dropping the second verse, but then extending the feeling from the first verse. Anyhow, hope you like version 2.

[Firebird]

I prefer your latest version. The ending is much stronger IMHO. Some specific comments below.

Dear Reader, do you prefer the v2A ending or the v2B ending?


[v2A]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer. (This made me smile. But was it meant to? I'm guessing probably not?)

I've heard all these lies too many times long before;
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw? (This seems there for the rhyme and unnaturally specific)
My friends, they all told me that my judgement was poor,
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure. (Nice)

Now you're looking at me like I'm being a bore;
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw
and pretend that our love has just one minor flaw: (the end of this line sounds a bit clunky)
we live on the brink of a nuclear war.


[v2B]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer.

I've heard all these lies too many times long before;
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw?
My friends, they all told me that my judgement was poor,
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure.

Now you're looking at me like I'm being a bore;
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw.
It's been long overdue; we should level the score
and accept that our love has just one fatal flaw:

the mutual destruction of nuclear war.


~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~


[v1]
True Love Wars

I can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore,
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw:
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.

[Ros]

v2A.

I thought this was effective - a couple of bumps in the rhythm the way I was reading it, but very compelling.

Ros

[Luce]

Crayon - if I tell you I like V2A would you tell me what the N found in the underwear drawer?

Luce

Dear Reader, do you prefer the v2A ending or the v2B ending?


[v2A]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer.

I've heard all these lies too many times long before;
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw?
My friends, they all told me that my judgement was poor,
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure.

Now you're looking at me like I'm being a bore;
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw
and pretend that our love has just one minor flaw:
we live on the brink of a nuclear war.


[v2B]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer.

I've heard all these lies too many times long before;
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw?
My friends, they all told me that my judgement was poor,
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure.

Now you're looking at me like I'm being a bore;
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw.
It's been long overdue; we should level the score
and accept that our love has just one fatal flaw:

the mutual destruction of nuclear war.


~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~


[v1]
True Love Wars

I can't stand a damn thing that you say any more
without dying to slam your dumb head in a door;
you're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
it's a wonder I've not nailed your arse to the floor.

But my far greater fear is becoming a bore,
so I shut up and put up, deep down keeping score,
and tell myself we have just the one tiny flaw:
our love needs the heat of a nuclear war.

[JJWilliamson]

This my preferred version.

S2 adds more but it's lost the rhythm in places. Makes it a bumpy ride.
The meter is perfect for this kind of poem btw.

Some observations for your perusal:

Dear Reader, do you prefer the v2A ending or the v2B ending?


[v2A]
True Love Wars

I can't hear a damn thing you say any more;
I've lost sight of the one that I vowed to adore. ...This works if the reader doesn't place a stress on 'lost'. Lost and sight could be equally stressed. I've LOST SIGHT. EG only - "I see through the one that I vowed to adore". Drops a syllable and maintains the stress pattern.
You're a traitor, a faker, a fucker, a whore;
and I know what you hide in your underwear drawer. ...Batteries required?

I've heard all these lies too many times long before; ...'long before' is trying too hard to fit. There's an extra syllable.
EG only - "I've heard all these lies and excuses before".
would you keep talking shit if I knocked off your jaw? ..."If I shattered your jaw" might strengthen this line.
My friends, they all told me [s]that[/s]my judgement was poor, ...'That' breaks the rhythm. Perhaps, "My friends often tell me my judgement is poor".
but when we're face to face I can't ever be sure. ..."but when we're together I'm never so sure".

[s]Now[/s] you're looking at me like I'm being a bore; ...It's ok with 'now' but it's not needed to maintain the rhythm.
but you're wrong if you think I'll ignore what I saw
and pretend that our love has just one minor flaw:
we live on the brink of a nuclear war.

Well, there we have it. A few suggestions to tighten your poem. Please or use or lose them as you see fit. Take, bake or toss in the lake.

Hope some of this helps, Crayon

Best

JJ

[David]

Do you even need the second verse?

That's just what I was thinking.

I like the way you set the closing line up.

Cheers

David

P.S. Hard not to warm to someone who uses a picture of Klaus Kinski as an avatar.

[Crayon]

Firebird - Thank you for returning to this; much appreciated.

Yes, I thought the 'knicker drawer' line risked raising a smile. But does it taint the rest of the poem with an unsuitable humour? Maybe it would be better changed to something like:
and I found your 'lost' phone in your underwear drawer.

Yes, "jaw" is unnaturally out of place. I'll change it in v3; and also try fixing that clunky end of L11.

Sorry to pester, but I want to check: do you prefer the v2A final couplet, or the v2B ending?

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Ros - Thank you. I'm chuffed that it affected a published poet. I'll see if I can spot the rhythm bumps, and iron them out. (Looks like JJ has already done it for me.)

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Luce - Thanks for declaring your v2A preference; but I'm not so sure that you'd really want to know what's hidden at the bottom of that underwear drawer. It may not be just some multi-speed silicone Twinkie, but could be an inflatable Trump sex doll with realistic fake hair and tiny grabbing hands.

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JJ - Thank you for such a thorough rhythm breakdown. That's really helpful. It seems that I've been wrongly reliant on a regular syllable count to fit the metre. I'll certainly make use of your suggestions for the next revision. Much appreciated.

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David - I can't cut the second verse (or third); well, not while I'm still so stupidly proud of twelve rhymes in a row.

Do you have a preference for the v2A ending or v2B ending?

Kinski!? That's not Kinski, you schweinhund! That's Aguirre, wrath of God! *storms off to fetch medieval Spanish sword*

[Firebird]

Sorry to pester, but I want to check: do you prefer the v2A final couplet, or the v2B ending?

I much prefer the ending of v2A.

Cheers,

Tristan