Night cloth

[shijin]

the early summer sky
drops its night cloth
draping it quietly
in today's bright corners

houses shrug up their shoulders
enjoying dusk's silk

[calxaed]

I like the idea of the sky dropping a cloth over the landscape, it's a nice image. I can see that you're going for sharp, precice images, but some parts of this are too stripped back, which gets in the way of the poems flow. What I mean is for example, removing ariticles:
'Early summer sky' might work better as 'The early summer sky'
You also avoid using adverbs which is usually a good thing, instead using adjectival phrases 'slow and gentle' which is fine, but when directly modifying the sense of a verb 'drapping it quiet / in today's bright corner' it makes better sense to say 'quietly'. Also I'd change 'in todays bright corner' to 'into today's bright corner', which gives a greater sense of movement from the sky to the corner, rather than being actually drapped by something occupying the corner, if that makes sense. You also get consonance with the 't' of today and quiet. Of course all of this is subjective and might sound different to your ear.

[David]

Shijin,

- beautiful pen name, by the way - I like this a lot. I like the form - not one I remember seeing much before - and the final two lines are terrific.

You might want to reconsider "slow and gentle" - my mind keeps crooning an additional "sentimental" ... (all styles served here - Louis seize he prefer - laissez-faire le Strand ...)

Perhaps I'm being influenced by your name, and the silk, but it makes me think of the Japanese prints that Monet and van Gogh loved. That can't be bad.

Do you have more like it?

David

[shijin]

Thanks for your comments calxaed. I think you were right on most fronts. Not sure about the singular bright corner but will leave it like that for a bit and see how it sits with me.
Thanks for reading.
Shijin

[shijin]

Thanks for you comments David. Have tried your suggestion about addition to slow and gentle.
Glad my pen name works <g.

Shijin

[David]

Shijin,

aagh, sorry, I've spoiled your poem! I didn't mean you to add "sentimental", I just meant that the phrase "slow and gentle" is not original and makes me think of Roxy Music (Do the Strand!).

If you do nothing else, please put it back the way it was. That was much better.

If you can find an alternative to "slow and gentle", then fine, but do NOT add "sentimental" - it completely ruins your flow. And it's my fault. Sorry!

David

[shijin]

David
Laughing here. I thought that is what you mean orginally, but then I thought too hard about it (as I sometimes do) and misread you. I think it is superfluous so have deleted.

Shijin.

[calxaed]

I'm going to back track on corner/corners, think you're right, plurals better. Like the improvements you've made.

[shijin]

Thanks calxaed. Have edited again and agree that it reads better now. Thanks for your help.
Shijin.

[Macavity]

shijin, is it possible to post the original in order to compare with the revised version?

cheers

mac

[shijin]

Mac, here it is.....
Shijin.

early summer sky
drops its night cloth
slow and gentle
draping it quiet
in today's bright corners

houses shrug up their shoulders
enjoying dusk's silk

[Macavity]

Thanks

I prefer the pacing of 'slow and gentle'.

'quietly' - is an improvement, 'quiet' was too clipped.

The use of 'shrug' was interesting - I usually think of a gesture signifying resigned acceptance or perhaps a retreating from the cold. The fact that it is used here with the positive 'enjoying' was different. Either way I enjoyed the line.

cheers

mac

[shijin]

Mac
Thanks for your comments. I think you're right about the slow and gentle line doing something for the pacing. So I am going to try and come up with an alternative line to act as a pacing device, as I do think slow and gentle is a bit predictable.

Shijin

[raedaljishi@]

I can smell politics in the air

thanx