How to lose your mum - Revision

[Lou]

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
from a hospital room in stark panic you flee
fat nurses with kiddies are vexed at your funk
you’ve made it to freedom but you know that you’re sunk
you see how the rest of your life will be changed

you see how the rest of your life will be changed
you’ve made it to freedom but you know that you’re sunk
fat nurses with biddies are vexed at your funk
from a hospice room in stark panic you flee
you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
..... her hand slips from yours and you’re free


Vesrion 1

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
from hospital death in blind panic you flee
fat nurses with kiddies crow loud at your fear
when you stumble from horror to the fresh sweet air
you know that the rest of your life will be changed

you know that the rest of your life will be changed
when you stumble from horror to fresh sweet air
fat nurses with biddies crow loud at your fear
from a hospice death in blind panic you flee
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
..... then her hand slips from yours and you’re free

[ray miller]

Very good. Much better than your other attempt at this form. The "turns" in the 2nd stanza work well.

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free - don't really see the requirement for the indent, if that's the right word.
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
from hospital death in blind panic you flee "a hospital death"? or "hospital deaths"?
fat nurses with kiddies crow loud at your fear
when you stumble from horror to the fresh sweet air
you know that the rest of your life will be changed

you know that the rest of your life will be changed
when you stumble from horror to fresh sweet air
fat nurses with biddies crow loud at your fear
from a hospice death in blind panic you flee
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
..... then her hand slips from yours and you’re free

[Lou]

Thanks Ray,

I've been tinkering with this one for eons and hopefully have pulled it into some sort of shape at last. The first and last lines are indented because they have three metric beats and all the others have four.

Best,
Lou

[JJWilliamson]

Yes, very good indeed. Quite a feat imho. The close is sensational, so you must keep it.

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
from hospital death in blind panic you flee ...Reads like an inversion for the rhyme. 'hospital death' seems to imply the hospital is dying. I know its not btw.
fat nurses with kiddies crow loud at your fear ...I'm not sure why the nurses would crow at a person's fear.
when you stumble from horror to the fresh sweet air ...'fresh' and 'sweet' reads like filler. Perhaps one or the other or a three syllable alternative. The meter falters noticeably. Three unstressed syllables after 'horr'. You could be stressing both fresh and sweet. I tend to stress 'fresh' and 'air' when they're separated by another word. I see you gave this line a nudge in S2.
you know that the rest of your life will be changed

you know that the rest of your life will be changed
when you stumble from horror to fresh sweet air
fat nurses with biddies crow loud at your fear
from a hospice death in blind panic you flee
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
..... then her hand slips from yours and you’re free

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

[Lou]

Thanks JJ,

from hospital death in blind panic you flee ...Reads like an inversion for the rhyme. 'hospital death' seems to imply the hospital is dying. I know its not btw.

I agree, it's not very satisfactory. I originally had 'hospital fear' but I'll look at this line again.
The nurses crow at the frightened child to shame it for its cowardice.
'Fresh sweet air' is a bit of a cliche, but, as you say, the second version of the line is metrically better.

Best,
Lou

[NotQuiteSure]

[tab][/tab]
Terrific piece Lou.

Three small suggestions;
Following ray and JJ, change 'hospital/hospice death' to 'hospital/hospice bed',
death is more than clear in the context (and title),
Find an alternative to 'crow loud'
(to crow is to express triumph, and that just seems odd here).
maybe; 'fat nurses with kiddies tut, tut, at your fear'?
and, though it might mess up your meter, perhaps
'unconfined' (or similar) rather than 'fresh sweet'.

Regards, Not
[tab][/tab]

[Lou]

Thanks Not,

Absolutely. I'll post a revision when I can.

Best,
Lou

[bodkin]

Very good. Ray called this a form, is it a "formal" form? e.g. does it have a name?

Ian

[Lou]

Thanks Ian,

Since there's nothing new under the sun, I expect poets have been using a form like this forever, but I dunno what it's called.

Best,
Lou

[Sheila]

I like your style, it works really well. I did not understand why the nurses would be crowing at her fear, I just don't get how that could ever be,perhaps it's me and I have misinterpreted this bit. I thought the last two lines when her mother's hand slips from hers and she is free was a good way of giving this verse the personal touch . I felt her relief at being released came across well. That freedom comes with a heavy price to pay, (her mother's death,) I get that too.

[Lou]

Thanks Sheila,

I think now that crow is the wrong word, but I imagined a children's hospital or clinic where the nurses would have to attend at many daily minor operations and the disruption of their schedule by frightened, uncooperative kids would not be welcome. Laughing at a child's fear is not the nicest human quality but in the immature personality, it is not unknown.
I appreciate your help with this piece and I'll post a revision soonest.

Best,
Lou

[Antcliff]

With the others in liking this.

I liked the kiddies/biddies variation. Slight variation works well with these sort of things I suspect. Also with the others in liking that last/first line pairing.

There are 9 you/you're/your in the stanza, so 18 overall. Wonder if a few might be nipped?

Perhaps "the rest of" seems a bit redundant? Something else there?

Seth

[Lou]

Thanks Seth,

With the poem being in the second person you're going to get a few ' you's and 'your's dotted around and these propel the insistent tone of the piece. However as I'm revising I'll think about what you say. In the first stanza the child has the rest of his life to figure out what happened, in the second stanza there's not so much time to wonder.

Best,
Lou

[Lou]

I've posted a revision of this one but, sorry Seth, the 'you'/'you're' count has gone up to 22!

[NotQuiteSure]

[tab][/tab]
Lou,

L2/11[tab][/tab]can you have 'stand' then 'bear'?
L3/10[tab][/tab]I'd still nudge you towards 'that hospital bed' (as it were, Matron), it has more immediate associations than 'a hospital room'.
L4/5 & L8/9[tab][/tab]I think this has diminished the piece (a dum dee dum rhyme).
Fear seemed the comprehensible reaction/emotion, it was 'crow' and is now 'vexed' that is the problem.
Perhaps 'disapprove'?
L10[tab][/tab]I know 'blind panic' was, perhaps, predictable (but it was recognizable), but 'stark' is not.
What about 'in desperation'?
Hope this helps.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

[David]

I must admit I didn't spot the transition from kiddies to biddies until my umpteenth reading (and your comment to Seth about the temporal difference between S1 and S2).

I too find the use of "crow" unconvincing.

The inversion of the first and second lines is very good.

Cheers

David

[Lou]

Thanks again Not,

In the revision I have 'stand' in L2 and L11. I'll think about 'bed', it might be the answer. I think 'vexed' is OK - there's a sense of busy irritation about the word, but I'll think about it. I could go back to 'blind panic' if you don't think it's too much of a cliche.

Best,
Lou

Thanks David,

I finally dropped ' crow' and used 'vexed'. The female kiddies grow up to be biddies and the male kiddies grow up to be old gits.

Best,
Lou

[JJWilliamson]

Hello again, Lou

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
from a hospital room in stark panic you flee
fat nurses with kiddies are vexed at your funk ...Vexation still seems like an unusual response to me. I can see 'shocked' or 'stunned'. Something along the lines of perplexed might work. This could well be a good time to adjust the meter slightly. A change to the following line would also help if you decided to go down this road.
you’ve made it to freedom but [s]you[/s] know that you’re sunk ...You could drop 'you' from both stanzas to tighten the meter. Grammatically speaking, it's easy enough to follow without it, mainly because the subject leads the line.
you see how the rest of your life will be changed

you see how the rest of your life will be changed
you’ve made it to freedom but you know that you’re sunk
fat nurses with biddies are vexed at your funk
from a hospice room in stark panic you flee
you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
..... her hand slips from yours and you’re free

JJ

PS What's vesrion 1

J

PPS I can't remember if they have a definite name and usually call them reverse poems. The rhythm and form can vary enormously.



Vesrion 1

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
from hospital death in blind panic you flee
fat nurses with kiddies crow loud at your fear
when you stumble from horror to the fresh sweet air
you know that the rest of your life will be changed

you know that the rest of your life will be changed
when you stumble from horror to fresh sweet air
fat nurses with biddies crow loud at your fear
from a hospice death in blind panic you flee
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
..... then her hand slips from yours and you’re free

[Lou]

Thanks again JJ,

I can't see the nurses being 'shocked or stunned', as panic must be relatively common with small children about to undergo some unpleasant procedure. I was at the dentist recently and a kid was screaming the place down. You're right, I could lose some 'you's where you suggest, and perhaps a few other places.

Best,
Lou

[NotQuiteSure]

[tab][/tab]
Lou

L2/11, what I meant was:
L2 [tab][/tab] you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
L11[tab][/tab]you can’t bear to stay with your mum in this place
Granted 'blind panic' is something of a cliche, but in the circumstances it is the right cliche.
I assume you want the reader's focus to be with 'you', rather than the language of the piece itself.
Though you could consider replacing 'blind' with 'breathless' (or similar) to more directly connect with 'air'.
Well, if I can't sell you 'tut tut' (I did like the palindromic repetition) how about 'frown'? A little less telling, more showing.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

[Lou]

Thanks again Not,

I've gone off 'blind panic'. 'Sheer panic' suggests itself but that's also over-used. What about 'pure panic' with its touch of assonance?
I think the nurses need to show more than a frown. They're narked with the kid, and with the man 50 years later.

Best,
Lou

[NotQuiteSure]

Lou
Yes, I think 'pure' works. Though you might consider
from a hospital bed, desperate, panicked, you flee
from a hospice bed, stumbling, panicked, you flee

I'm still having trouble with the nurses' reaction,
I can buy that 50 years ago they would have been 'narked', but in a hospice, today?
Perhaps a solution would be in having two contrasting reactions, as in;
[tab][/tab]L4/L9
harried/worried
disturbed (irritated)/disturbed (anxious)
unconcerned/are concerned.
chastise/sympathize
...
Hope this helps
Regards, Not.

[Firebird]

I think it works well Lou. I have one suggestion, which I'm pretty sure you'll have already considered. Would 'bunk' work better than 'funk'?

Enjoyed!

Cheers,

Tristan

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
from a hospital room in stark panic you flee
fat nurses with kiddies are vexed at your funk
you’ve made it to freedom but you know that you’re sunk
you see how the rest of your life will be changed

you see how the rest of your life will be changed
you’ve made it to freedom but you know that you’re sunk
fat nurses with biddies are vexed at your funk
from a hospice room in stark panic you flee
you can’t stand to stay with your mum in this place
..... her hand slips from yours and you’re free


Vesrion 1

..... Your hand slips from hers and you’re free
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
from hospital death in blind panic you flee
fat nurses with kiddies crow loud at your fear
when you stumble from horror to the fresh sweet air
you know that the rest of your life will be changed

you know that the rest of your life will be changed
when you stumble from horror to fresh sweet air
fat nurses with biddies crow loud at your fear
from a hospice death in blind panic you flee
you can’t bear to wait with your mum in this place
..... then her hand slips from yours and you’re free

[bjondon]

Hi Lou,
Excellent work and workshopping. It is interesting how a formal device can frame such overwhelming emotions . . . two whole lives rolling over just as the verses do.

The indents at top and bottom feel a bit awkward to me - maybe just centre justifying the whole thing would emphasise the symetry better.

The kiddies/biddies line is much clearer in V2. I think 'vexed' works well - it can be quite a subtle, contained emotion, maybe just visible in a look or a brisk manner that a child would pick up on.

I feel you have lost something by switching from 'death' to 'room' - the child's panic (enough to change their life) is their (maybe first) encounter with death.

Spreading the 'know'(L6V1) to 'see' and 'know'(L5+6,V2) over two lines dilutes the impact and weight in the first stanza yet seems to work ok in the second one. . . . This is such a difficult form!

Julian

[Lou]

Thanks again Not,

I'm warming to your idea of 'hospital bed/hospice bed'. I thought rather than 'narked'' a simple 'cross' might be the mot juste but thanks for your suggestions, I'll certainly consider them.

Best,
Lou

Thanks Tristan,

I'm not sure that 'bunk' would be better than 'funk'. You bunk off from school or work, it's no big deal. The poem is about cowardice where the second person narrator fails both times to conquer his/her fear.

Best,
Lou


Thanks Julian,

As to L.1/7 I think I have to justify (pun) the lines being a beat short when I'm unwilling to fill them out to their correct length.
It is a difficult and frustrating form - you get a line right in S1 and find it doesn't work in S2 so it's always fiddling around to find a compromise and so you end up with six lines, none of which you really like.

Best,
Lou