He had cleared her away
Methodical as ever
Under the bed
A flash of scarlet
Vibrant, seductive
Scented leather
Sporting a Gucci logo
New boots
Revolutionaries, ready to run
Defiant
She'd never believed in death or dying
Neither did he
Not any more
Red Boots
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ray miller
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I don't get it. Not yet, anyhow.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Sorry Ray, I know why. It's a much shortened version of a poem I wrote for a friend when she died, the red boots, (revolutionaries,) are meant to signify her zest for life and her determination to live by fighting death. Her partner is clearing her stuff away and discovers them under the bed, and it makes him think about death in a different way, hence; "She'd never believed in death or dying, neither did he, not any more." I can see that I have obscured the meaning of this verse, made it impossible to interpret, so it will be back to the original and I'll see if I can work on it. Thank you for your comment, very helpful. Sheila
I like the premise of this one. The only thing that held me up were the boots being made by Gucci i.e expensive, which doesn't fit in somehow with the revolutionary ideal. I know nothing about fashion, perhaps Gucci boots aren't that dear, in which case ignore the above. Anyway it's a good poem.
Best,
Lou
Best,
Lou
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ray miller
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- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Yes, I see it now, Sheila. "But under the bed" would have helped. Otherwise line 3 seems to belong very much with lines 1 and 2.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Hi Sheila,
I like this, especially the rhythm and flow of it. It almost feels as if it's conjuring the spirit of this woman, spinning to a halt on the word 'defiant'. And no problem deciphering the meaning without your explanation.
My only quibble would be the last line . . . the rhythm feels slightly wrong-footed and the meaning a bit too sweeping . . . maybe shorten it to 'Not now' or lengthen it to 'Not in that moment'?
I don't mind the ambiguity of l3, it resolves itself quite quickly. And do revolutionaries wear Gucci? I'm sure this one did.
Julian
I like this, especially the rhythm and flow of it. It almost feels as if it's conjuring the spirit of this woman, spinning to a halt on the word 'defiant'. And no problem deciphering the meaning without your explanation.
My only quibble would be the last line . . . the rhythm feels slightly wrong-footed and the meaning a bit too sweeping . . . maybe shorten it to 'Not now' or lengthen it to 'Not in that moment'?
I don't mind the ambiguity of l3, it resolves itself quite quickly. And do revolutionaries wear Gucci? I'm sure this one did.
Julian
hi Sheila,are meant to signify her zest for life and her determination to live by fighting death.
I wouldn't have read that from your poem.
I know this is not your intended narrative, but I like the contrast of methodical/seductive and the sexual/intimacy inferences of the 'clearing away' being threaded to 'under the bed'.He had cleared her away
Methodical as ever
Under the bed
A flash of scarlet
Vibrant, seductive
Scented leather
Sporting a Gucci logo
New boots
best
mac
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
I get it, but only after your reveal, Sheila.
The imagery is a tad disjointed so it's difficult to follow the sequence
of events, leaving me with a series of potential possibilities. The significance
of the red boots isn't really explored.
The lack of punctuation didn't help and the cap's at the head of each line
further confused the issue for me. I'd only use cap's for proper nouns and new sentences (etc)
The old rule of capitalising each line isn't really necessary these days.
A touch more would go a long way. I really like the idea of this poem and positively love the title.
Best
JJ
The imagery is a tad disjointed so it's difficult to follow the sequence
of events, leaving me with a series of potential possibilities. The significance
of the red boots isn't really explored.
The lack of punctuation didn't help and the cap's at the head of each line
further confused the issue for me. I'd only use cap's for proper nouns and new sentences (etc)
The old rule of capitalising each line isn't really necessary these days.
A touch more would go a long way. I really like the idea of this poem and positively love the title.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
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Sheila,
nicely done, and for me, the meaning was quite clear - (though as JJ noted, the punctuation doesn't help)-
except for 'revolutionaries', here you lose me. It reads like they are a type of boot produced by Gucci.
If they are not, then you could lose the line, and go straight from 'New boots' to 'Defiant'.
Similarly, I think you could trim L7 all the way down to simply, 'Gucci'.
(Unless you want to encourage the thought that 'a Gucci logo' might be applied to a knock-off)
And, for an even smaller niggle, change the contraction (L11) to 'She had...'
Regards, Not.
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Sheila,
nicely done, and for me, the meaning was quite clear - (though as JJ noted, the punctuation doesn't help)-
except for 'revolutionaries', here you lose me. It reads like they are a type of boot produced by Gucci.
If they are not, then you could lose the line, and go straight from 'New boots' to 'Defiant'.
Similarly, I think you could trim L7 all the way down to simply, 'Gucci'.
(Unless you want to encourage the thought that 'a Gucci logo' might be applied to a knock-off)
And, for an even smaller niggle, change the contraction (L11) to 'She had...'
Regards, Not.
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