Night cloth
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 116
- Joined: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:37 pm
- Location: North Lincolnshire
- Contact:
I like the idea of the sky dropping a cloth over the landscape, it's a nice image. I can see that you're going for sharp, precice images, but some parts of this are too stripped back, which gets in the way of the poems flow. What I mean is for example, removing ariticles:
'Early summer sky' might work better as 'The early summer sky'
You also avoid using adverbs which is usually a good thing, instead using adjectival phrases 'slow and gentle' which is fine, but when directly modifying the sense of a verb 'drapping it quiet / in today's bright corner' it makes better sense to say 'quietly'. Also I'd change 'in todays bright corner' to 'into today's bright corner', which gives a greater sense of movement from the sky to the corner, rather than being actually drapped by something occupying the corner, if that makes sense. You also get consonance with the 't' of today and quiet. Of course all of this is subjective and might sound different to your ear.
'Early summer sky' might work better as 'The early summer sky'
You also avoid using adverbs which is usually a good thing, instead using adjectival phrases 'slow and gentle' which is fine, but when directly modifying the sense of a verb 'drapping it quiet / in today's bright corner' it makes better sense to say 'quietly'. Also I'd change 'in todays bright corner' to 'into today's bright corner', which gives a greater sense of movement from the sky to the corner, rather than being actually drapped by something occupying the corner, if that makes sense. You also get consonance with the 't' of today and quiet. Of course all of this is subjective and might sound different to your ear.
Shijin,
- beautiful pen name, by the way - I like this a lot. I like the form - not one I remember seeing much before - and the final two lines are terrific.
You might want to reconsider "slow and gentle" - my mind keeps crooning an additional "sentimental" ... (all styles served here - Louis seize he prefer - laissez-faire le Strand ...)
Perhaps I'm being influenced by your name, and the silk, but it makes me think of the Japanese prints that Monet and van Gogh loved. That can't be bad.
Do you have more like it?
David
- beautiful pen name, by the way - I like this a lot. I like the form - not one I remember seeing much before - and the final two lines are terrific.
You might want to reconsider "slow and gentle" - my mind keeps crooning an additional "sentimental" ... (all styles served here - Louis seize he prefer - laissez-faire le Strand ...)
Perhaps I'm being influenced by your name, and the silk, but it makes me think of the Japanese prints that Monet and van Gogh loved. That can't be bad.
Do you have more like it?
David
Shijin,
aagh, sorry, I've spoiled your poem! I didn't mean you to add "sentimental", I just meant that the phrase "slow and gentle" is not original and makes me think of Roxy Music (Do the Strand!).
If you do nothing else, please put it back the way it was. That was much better.
If you can find an alternative to "slow and gentle", then fine, but do NOT add "sentimental" - it completely ruins your flow. And it's my fault. Sorry!
David
aagh, sorry, I've spoiled your poem! I didn't mean you to add "sentimental", I just meant that the phrase "slow and gentle" is not original and makes me think of Roxy Music (Do the Strand!).
If you do nothing else, please put it back the way it was. That was much better.
If you can find an alternative to "slow and gentle", then fine, but do NOT add "sentimental" - it completely ruins your flow. And it's my fault. Sorry!
David
Thanks
I prefer the pacing of 'slow and gentle'.
'quietly' - is an improvement, 'quiet' was too clipped.
The use of 'shrug' was interesting - I usually think of a gesture signifying resigned acceptance or perhaps a retreating from the cold. The fact that it is used here with the positive 'enjoying' was different. Either way I enjoyed the line.
cheers
mac
I prefer the pacing of 'slow and gentle'.
'quietly' - is an improvement, 'quiet' was too clipped.
The use of 'shrug' was interesting - I usually think of a gesture signifying resigned acceptance or perhaps a retreating from the cold. The fact that it is used here with the positive 'enjoying' was different. Either way I enjoyed the line.
cheers
mac
Mac
Thanks for your comments. I think you're right about the slow and gentle line doing something for the pacing. So I am going to try and come up with an alternative line to act as a pacing device, as I do think slow and gentle is a bit predictable.
Shijin
Thanks for your comments. I think you're right about the slow and gentle line doing something for the pacing. So I am going to try and come up with an alternative line to act as a pacing device, as I do think slow and gentle is a bit predictable.
Shijin
-
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:59 pm
- Contact:
I can smell politics in the air
thanx
thanx
with love