Alter Ego

[calxaed]

Alter Ego

The other one capers
through deserted car parks
cursing the hidden moon.
Sliding barefoot between
the city's empty spaces.

He stalks through night-time
forests seeking prey
to tear with tooth and nail.
Sluicing blood from matted
hair in monsoon storms.

The other one cups
desert sands in supple hands
praising the seething sun.
Eagle soaring above,
serpent crawling below.

He cuts the icy crust
and claws the ocean's depth
singing ancient songs
of stupid monkeys
with the whales.

The other one scales
mountain peaks and stands
with arms outstretched,
laughing at the whipping winds
and screaming glory to the stars.

[Jester]

Hi Calxaed. Holy shit mate.....I wouldn't change a bit of this.....I love it

"Sliding barefoot between the cities empty spaces" - Sould this be city's?
great axpression though - (I've done similar things )

"praising the seething Sun"

"singing ancient songs
of stupid monkeys
with the whales."

"laughing at the whipping winds
and screaming glory to the stars."

Thanks for a lovely read.
Mick

[David]

Cal - what's this, search for the werewolf inside yourself? If so, it's very effective. It's just a bit - I dunno, epic for me, I think. A touch megalomaniac, no?

Don't get me wrong, there are some great lines here, but it ends up a bit too much like Stalinist architecture for my liking. That's okay, I don't have to like it, but I wonder ... if there's any irony here, I'm missing it.

(Mick, you're making points about apostrophes. You've gone native.)

[Minstrel]

This is what I meant by less personal......

Glad you are sticking with us

Suggest you post in experienced, unless you prefer it here.

Nice one.

[barrie]

I enjoyed reading this - I've read it a few times but I can't say that I know exactly what you were trying to get across. Still, each time I read it, I get something new - I guess this is what matters, it doesn't leave a blank -Maybe Dali would have written something like this. I can see David's point when he mentions Stalinist architecture, although I would say more like the Communist Party propaganda posters, depicting the workers as supermen.

One suggestion -

'singing ancient songs
of stupid monkeys
with the whales.' - I understood (after a few reads) 'stupid monkeys' to refer to man. How about 'stupid primates', it's understood at once - if that was your meaning.

Maybe you should, as Minstrel suggested, try your hand in 'Experienced'.

nice one

Barrie

[calxaed]

Cheers for the crits. I absolutley understand what you mean by the whole stalinist thing, the intention was more an ubermensch vibe, hence the serpent and the eagle(Thus Spake Zarathustra.) It's definitely got a fascistic, religious humanist sort of feeling to it I know, or maybe a masculine power fantasy. Not sure I like it very much myself, bit of a dark side thing. Fixed the apostrophe problem, thanks

[Macavity]

Enjoyed this on a surface level. At first I thought it might lead me into Hesse's Steppenwolf territory. The urban/nature juxtapositions didn't really extended beyond the first two stanzas and so I lost direction. There were some wet/dry/depth/height contrasts that didn't really lead me anywhere. Maybe some religious servility v defiance.

cheers

mac

[benjywenjy]

hey

Why is this in the beginners section?

loved the first stanza especially! amazing use of imagery and tone throughout.

thanks for posting

benjy

[raedaljishi@]

It is a nice deed

The topic is Interesting (alter ego )

I liked (

He stalks through night-time
forests seeking prey
to tear with tooth and nail.
Sluicing blood from matted
hair in monsoon storms. )

There is a nice painted pic in that one above


I don’t know y I felt so sad when I read the end

It is ironic
That he have the glories moment alone

[kozmikdave]

Rich imagery - I liked it!

Use of "The other one..." still has me guessing. It's almost like you have multiple alter egos, and yet...

There is a oneness here as well. I think the werewolf thing works for me too.

Dave

[minim]

I hope you don't mind me posting here, but I just wanted to add my praise for this.

"The other one" hmmmm! I got a hint of the different faces of man. Good versus evil. I thought the use of the word monkeys was appropriate, monkeys are thought of as being cheeky, or mischievious. Primates would have been too formal, a generic term.

To me it felt like man conquering the world from the deepest oceans to the highest peaks...

"and screaming glory to the stars"

Exellent poem, thank you xxx

[calxaed]

Cheers Minin and the rest,
Certainly don't mind you posting here, the more feedback the better. I think you're right about the monkey bit, its more belittleing than primate even if it's technically incorrect.