Hardly Flowers
In a dusty room I cupped
your shoulder blade
and rested my thumb
in the crevice of your spine.
Your lazy look I took
as an invitation to a kiss.
In an empty cinema I gripped
your reluctant thigh
and pushed my face
into your hair.
Your whispered yes I thought
a sanction for my love.
In a dewy garden I placed
a purple amaranth
upon your breast
and wiped away a tear.
Your sad sad smile I hoped
showed the yielding of your heart.
On a cold autumn hill I slid
an emerald ring
onto your finger
as I knelt upon the grass.
You gazed at the straining kites
and said one word.
Hardly Flowers
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merciful evans
i like the final stanza best. im not sure i know what's going on in the 3rd. also am wondering 'was the thigh really reluctant?'.
Hi, merciful evans i thought the same about the thigh? haha not many reluctant thighs around these days.
Hi, calxaed, nice, sweet and romantic.
The reluctant thigh was a little misleading, in as much as, the feeling came over to me as he was being snubbed a bit, (perhaps touched your tender thigh) if that makes sence, more suggestibility.
Also i wonder why she was crying in the dewy garden?
One sad would be better.
I'm also not sure of the cupped your shoulder blade, shoulder blade sounds a bit graphic to me, mabe this would be better.
Thanks for posting AC.
In a dusty room i held
softly your shoulder
thumb resting in the
crevice of your spine.
Your lazy look I took
as invitation to a kiss.
Hi, calxaed, nice, sweet and romantic.
The reluctant thigh was a little misleading, in as much as, the feeling came over to me as he was being snubbed a bit, (perhaps touched your tender thigh) if that makes sence, more suggestibility.
Also i wonder why she was crying in the dewy garden?
One sad would be better.
I'm also not sure of the cupped your shoulder blade, shoulder blade sounds a bit graphic to me, mabe this would be better.
Thanks for posting AC.
In a dusty room i held
softly your shoulder
thumb resting in the
crevice of your spine.
Your lazy look I took
as invitation to a kiss.
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twoleftfeet
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Mmmmm.
I think this poem cleverly leaves room for the reader to interpret it
either way, but there is a certain half-heartedness or maybe resignation
about the poet which suggests that he knew all along she would say "no".
(Just my opinion)
Even the word "sanction" can be taken both ways.
The title "hardly flowers" made me think of the Richard Thompson
song "I'm nearly in love (I'm almost aware of walking on air)"
I really enjoyed this
Geoff
I think this poem cleverly leaves room for the reader to interpret it
either way, but there is a certain half-heartedness or maybe resignation
about the poet which suggests that he knew all along she would say "no".
(Just my opinion)
Even the word "sanction" can be taken both ways.
The title "hardly flowers" made me think of the Richard Thompson
song "I'm nearly in love (I'm almost aware of walking on air)"
I really enjoyed this
Geoff
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benjywenjy
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hey
at first I thought the lady may have been dead 'porphyria's lover style' but that soon was cleared up. Nice poem a little sad but in a nice way, we've all been their (well not the proposal bit but....)
thanks for posting
benjy
at first I thought the lady may have been dead 'porphyria's lover style' but that soon was cleared up. Nice poem a little sad but in a nice way, we've all been their (well not the proposal bit but....)
thanks for posting
benjy
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calxaed
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Thanks for taking the time to critique this. I think your you're right about the two sads, I didn't think the rhythm was right with just one, I suppose it was a bit lazy to just stick another one in there.
As for 'reluctant thighs'. Perhaps not great, but I think 'hesitant hands' or 'cold eyes' are usually acceptable, if cliched, so why not 'reluctant thighs'.My point is of course a thigh cannot of itself be reluctant but in this case applying an adjective to a part that describes the attitude of the whole is not terribly unusual.
William Carlos Williams has 'On this moral sea of grass' and I'm not aware of any lawn that can distinguish between right and wrong. Yeats writes of 'companionable streams' and again my local river is not especially friendly. I deliberately discounted 'tender thighs' as kind of hackneyed. Anniecat, he was being snubbed a bit, or at least she was uncertain and possibly not too happy at being groped in the cinema, the point is the guy optimistically misreads the signs and she apathetically cooperates until the end. Obviously shoulder blade is intended to be somewhat erotic, but i'd never considered it a paticularly graphic body part, and if it is then so be it, the guy would have to have unusually large hands to hold her shoulder and rest his thumb along the crevice of her spine. Thanks again.
As for 'reluctant thighs'. Perhaps not great, but I think 'hesitant hands' or 'cold eyes' are usually acceptable, if cliched, so why not 'reluctant thighs'.My point is of course a thigh cannot of itself be reluctant but in this case applying an adjective to a part that describes the attitude of the whole is not terribly unusual.
William Carlos Williams has 'On this moral sea of grass' and I'm not aware of any lawn that can distinguish between right and wrong. Yeats writes of 'companionable streams' and again my local river is not especially friendly. I deliberately discounted 'tender thighs' as kind of hackneyed. Anniecat, he was being snubbed a bit, or at least she was uncertain and possibly not too happy at being groped in the cinema, the point is the guy optimistically misreads the signs and she apathetically cooperates until the end. Obviously shoulder blade is intended to be somewhat erotic, but i'd never considered it a paticularly graphic body part, and if it is then so be it, the guy would have to have unusually large hands to hold her shoulder and rest his thumb along the crevice of her spine. Thanks again.
Last edited by calxaed on Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hi, have you read Micks messing around, your comment on hackneyed
made me think.
I do agree tender is pehaps not apt for your or any poem and it was a lazy comment, i am sorry, reluctant thighs are fine, as you have explained the senario to me and yes an awkward place for lovers to be, i also wonder was she then upset as she was trying to be nice to him hence the tears in the dewy garden and as you say you hoped this was a yeilding of her heart;
Very good poem i am learning all the time.
Shoulder blade i again thought of the shoulder as it's self and later realised (the blade) is nearer to the spine and yes the hand would'nt reach
that far, HA HA huge hands.
I used the word graphic for the shoulder blade, meaning graphic as in i could visualise the bones of ones body not as a seductive part
but alas i'm often wrong, i just look to closely into things.
Would you have a look at some of mine please and pick some nits AC.
made me think.
I do agree tender is pehaps not apt for your or any poem and it was a lazy comment, i am sorry, reluctant thighs are fine, as you have explained the senario to me and yes an awkward place for lovers to be, i also wonder was she then upset as she was trying to be nice to him hence the tears in the dewy garden and as you say you hoped this was a yeilding of her heart;
Very good poem i am learning all the time.
Shoulder blade i again thought of the shoulder as it's self and later realised (the blade) is nearer to the spine and yes the hand would'nt reach
that far, HA HA huge hands.
I used the word graphic for the shoulder blade, meaning graphic as in i could visualise the bones of ones body not as a seductive part
but alas i'm often wrong, i just look to closely into things.
Would you have a look at some of mine please and pick some nits AC.
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calxaed
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Thanks Annicat, a couple of points then I'm off to look for your stuff. Firstly, and although I've undermined this a little in my posts, the poem is intended to be ambiguous as to gender. Secondly, it's interesting the assumption people have made as to whose tear is wiped. Thirdly, and this is addressed particularly to Minstrel, what makes you think the poem is personal at all. It's a fiction.
Hi, most people write from a happening in there life, i think this is what minstrel was refering to;
And yes gender is still not always taken into concideration enough but each and everyone has an opinion that is why we post for crits. AC
And yes gender is still not always taken into concideration enough but each and everyone has an opinion that is why we post for crits. AC
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twoleftfeet
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If you're unhappy with "sad sad" but want to retain the rhythm -
how about "so-sad"? (Just a suggestion).
"Cupped" with "shoulder-blades" is great IMHO - on the scoring system
lads use to describe how far they get with their gropings it wouldn't
even rate a 1
"Reluctant thighs" is fine too, but he has no chance.....
Geoff
how about "so-sad"? (Just a suggestion).
"Cupped" with "shoulder-blades" is great IMHO - on the scoring system
lads use to describe how far they get with their gropings it wouldn't
even rate a 1
"Reluctant thighs" is fine too, but he has no chance.....
Geoff
Hi calxaed
This poem 'got me' as soon as I read it. It says so much between the lines, the story is far more than the sum of it's words.
I love the first stanza - shoulder blade included, well, shoulder blade especially ...
'In a dusty room I cupped
your shoulder blade
and rested my thumb
in the crevice of your spine.
Your lazy look I took
as an invitation to a kiss.'
The more I read these lines, the better they get - they just paint such a wonderful picture - dust motes floating in front of a window, dim lighting, two people, physically close yet emotionally detatched, it has the feeling of a 1950's film. Maybe not your picture - but wonderful to read and imagine.
I agree that 'sad sad' isn't ideal, but it doesn't ruin the poem. I love that the end doesn't give us that answer - just like the movies!
Thank-you, I really enjoyed this one.
This poem 'got me' as soon as I read it. It says so much between the lines, the story is far more than the sum of it's words.
I love the first stanza - shoulder blade included, well, shoulder blade especially ...
'In a dusty room I cupped
your shoulder blade
and rested my thumb
in the crevice of your spine.
Your lazy look I took
as an invitation to a kiss.'
The more I read these lines, the better they get - they just paint such a wonderful picture - dust motes floating in front of a window, dim lighting, two people, physically close yet emotionally detatched, it has the feeling of a 1950's film. Maybe not your picture - but wonderful to read and imagine.
I agree that 'sad sad' isn't ideal, but it doesn't ruin the poem. I love that the end doesn't give us that answer - just like the movies!
Thank-you, I really enjoyed this one.
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calxaed
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Cheers minim,
Glad you liked it, it's my favourite of the poems I've written so far. It was the relationship that hardly flowered, but I took the title from a William Carlos Williams poem, 'Flowers by the Sea'.
'When over the flowery, sharp pasture's
edge, unseen, the salt ocean
lifts its form - chicory and daiseys
tied, released, seem hardly flowers alone
but color and the movement - or the shape
perhaps - of restlessness, whereas
the sea is circled and sways
peacefully upon its plantlike stem'
Glad you liked it, it's my favourite of the poems I've written so far. It was the relationship that hardly flowered, but I took the title from a William Carlos Williams poem, 'Flowers by the Sea'.
'When over the flowery, sharp pasture's
edge, unseen, the salt ocean
lifts its form - chicory and daiseys
tied, released, seem hardly flowers alone
but color and the movement - or the shape
perhaps - of restlessness, whereas
the sea is circled and sways
peacefully upon its plantlike stem'
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kozmikdave
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- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Hey I liked this a lot.
I almost expected a fifth about being in a prison cell but that is just where my mind lurks. All that tippy-toe ardour with very little given back! Must be married!
Loved the ending
You gazed at the straining kites
and said one word.
Nice image for me.
Dave
I almost expected a fifth about being in a prison cell but that is just where my mind lurks. All that tippy-toe ardour with very little given back! Must be married!
Loved the ending
You gazed at the straining kites
and said one word.
Nice image for me.
Dave
reluctant thigh
'reluctant' is very definite in sound, choice and hesitation, a matter of persuasion
'thigh' - passive, then again maybe 'inviting' so active
interesting, sensual mix, perhaps 'and pushed my face/into your hair' lacks weight in comparison.
cheers
mac
'reluctant' is very definite in sound, choice and hesitation, a matter of persuasion
'thigh' - passive, then again maybe 'inviting' so active
interesting, sensual mix, perhaps 'and pushed my face/into your hair' lacks weight in comparison.
cheers
mac
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figure eight
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Hey first of all: what's this doing in the beginners sections it's a really great piece. I definitely think it could hold its head high in the experienced section.
There appears to be some disagreement in the comments that follow the poem as to what's actually going on though. When I read it I felt sure that it was about a relationship (maybe a friendship) in which one party clearly feels more than the other and has become blind to the fact that the other person’s actions are quite dismissive. The final word for me in the poem has to be 'no'. Other's have asked if certain words needed changing as they read as though the person is being snubbed, but i thought that it worked really well and still can't see it the other way...is that makes sense.
I think it's a really good thing though that a poem can make different people feel completely opposite things. However it looks like most people agree this is a great read.
There appears to be some disagreement in the comments that follow the poem as to what's actually going on though. When I read it I felt sure that it was about a relationship (maybe a friendship) in which one party clearly feels more than the other and has become blind to the fact that the other person’s actions are quite dismissive. The final word for me in the poem has to be 'no'. Other's have asked if certain words needed changing as they read as though the person is being snubbed, but i thought that it worked really well and still can't see it the other way...is that makes sense.
I think it's a really good thing though that a poem can make different people feel completely opposite things. However it looks like most people agree this is a great read.