Homer

[David Smedley]

Version 2.

The kid with the pigeon chest puffs it out and cooes,
so what if stripped off it looks like he's swallowed
an anvil? The boy in the mirror looks back deadpan.
Homer stretches his arms out, flaps them and banks
around. You'll fly high one day his mother tells him,
without a trace of irony.

Original.

The kid with the pigeon chest puffs it up and cooes,
so what if stripped off it looks like he's swallowed
an anvil? The boy in the mirror looks back deadpan.
Homer stretches his arms out and flaps them: doppelgänger
bares his teeth. He banks around. You'll fly high one day
his mother keeps telling him, without a trace of irony.




Reason for edit. Substituted "banks" for "wheels."

[Firebird]

Is this about how praise from patents can sometimes promote/cultivate a proud image of ourselves that can eat us up. Is the child handicapped in some way? Just wondering because of the ‘swallowed anvil’ image. I’m assuming the doppelgänger is the child’s reflection in the mirror? I did wonder why the child and poem were called Homer. I’m guessing it’s a reference to Homer Simpson rather than the Greek poet? It works better for me that way, but I may well be wrong.

A thought provoking read.

Cheers,

Tristan

The kid with the pigeon chest puffs it up and cooes,
so what if stripped off it looks like he's swallowed
an anvil? The boy in the mirror looks back deadpan.
Homer stretches his arms out and flaps them: doppelgänger
bares his teeth. He wheels around. You'll fly high one day
his mother keeps telling him, without a trace of irony.

[Macavity]

hi David

The mother mention made me think of the stay at home person - a 'homing pigeon'. deadpan and lack of irony is pointing in the direction of a situation that cannot be escaped. The mother reassurance was poignant. There was pathos in the mirror image too.

google tells me: pigeon chest. A deformity in which the chest is peaked forward, seen in people who have suffered from severe asthma from infancy

As Tristan says, a thought provoking poem.

good one

mac

[ray miller]

I don't really get the doppelganger line. I can see that homer refers to social anxiety, shyness, and an anvil gets hammered a lot, but still doesn't all come together for me.

[Luce]

Pretty intriguing piece David. I like it a lot. Love the use of the pigeon metaphor but I wish you had carried it through more. From the comments it can be interpreted in a number of different ways but they are all within reach of the central theme, as I interpret it.

I also imagine the social isolation of the N, for whatever reason, and a reassuring mom. Do have some nits about it that bothers me. As always, it's TOT all the way:

Luce

[quote="David Smedley"]The kid with the pigeon chest puffs it up and cooes,
so what if stripped off it looks like he's swallowed
an anvil? The boy in the mirror looks back deadpan.
Homer stretches his arms out and flaps them: doppelgänger
bares his teeth. He wheels around. You'll fly high one day
his mother keeps telling him, without a trace of irony.[/quote

Title - A little too plain. Maybe a title that gives a glimpse as to what the poem is about.
An easier alternative is to use the title to lead you into the opening line.

L1 - I don't think you need "it". It think it's understood that he is puffing up his chest. The line sounds more direct/active without it.

L2 - I give this line it's own sentence for more strength or have a better connection like:
"but if you stripped it off"...I'd continue further with the pigeon metaphor and describe what is actually stripped off - like feathers? I

L3 - Why the question mark after anvil? It sounds better as a statement. Why is the boy looking back in the mirror "deadpan" when, at this point, he's imaging something almost surreal.

L4 - To continue with the central metaphor you may want to change arms to wings. I don't think you need :doppelgänge"r to let the reader know that Homer is looking into a mirror and seeing another more powerful reflection of himself.

L5 - Pigeons do not have teeth. Maybe he spins/swirls/whirls around. How would a bird turn around with its wings?

L6 - Love the closing line. I like the comforting appearance of the mom and what she says. It doesn't sound out of place. The introduction of the mom definitely brought the poem a few more levels up from the ordinary. It turned the piece into a touching portrayal of mom and son. I would change "his mother keeps telling him" to ..."his mother tells him" though.

Despite the nits, I did enjoy the poem.

[David Smedley]

FB.
Mac.
Ray.
Luce.

Thanks all for your views.

Used "banks" for "wheels" after Luce's prompt.

[Luce]

Version 2.

The kid with the pigeon chest puffs it out and cooes,
so what if stripped off it looks like he's swallowed
an anvil? The boy in the mirror looks back deadpan.
Homer stretches his arms out, flaps them and banks
around. You'll fly high one day his mother tells him,
without a trace of irony.

Original.

The kid with the pigeon chest puffs it up and cooes,
so what if stripped off it looks like he's swallowed
an anvil? The boy in the mirror looks back deadpan.
Homer stretches his arms out and flaps them: doppelgänger
bares his teeth. He banks around. You'll fly high one day
his mother keeps telling him, without a trace of irony.

The revision definitely progresses the poem David. I think you have the makings of a gem. However, I do think that you should identify "the kid" as "Homer" in the opening line rather than wait to do this in the middle of the poem. You don't want the reader to think - even for a second - that there is another person, besides the mom , in the piece.

If you want to make L2 a question, I think you need to format it like so: So what, if stripped off, it looks like he's swallowed an anvil?

Just my two cents. That's all. TOT. Despite the nits, it's a thought provoking piece.

Luce

Reason for edit. Substituted "banks" for "wheels."

P.S. You forgot to indicate that the poem is a revision on the title bar.