The Hunter in the Wood

[David Smedley]

Well met sir, in this silent wood
where I seek verse and you seek blood,
I knew you were not far from here
your gun spoke loud, its message clear.

I judged your day was a success
I found a pheasant in distress,
the shot you fired had pierced its eye
surprising that it did not die.



Hung there are six I see are dead
their lovely plumage sodden red,
they fell like hail from up on high
in that wide air, free where they fly.

The last line in the above verse reads very awkwardly, and (for me) was concocted in that way so that the rhyme could be forced.

The "hail" comparison does not work (for me) because of the size difference.

When you arrived here on the lane
I knew your interests dealt in pain,
you think your gun a lovely thing
though nought but death for birds it brings.

There are parts in this poem that (for me) do not add up, I can best get what I mean across here, You say in V1 that you met "in the wood" and that you knew he was around because of the noise from the "gunshot, but now you say the "lane" was your first encounter,
and if this is so then you already knew he was around.

Of course it’s only birds you kill,
just little murders give you thrill,
here for your quarry skulk and hide
out in this lovely countryside.

Line two above is missing a word, I assume it is missing a word so that the syllable count can be met, and the rhyme forced?
"Just little" seems odd, and the last two lines do not marry with the first two.
Do they "skulk" and "hide?" I see them all over the place when walking, especially in areas where they may come into contact with the "glorious twelfths" gun weilders.

These creatures that you hurt and maim
their yours, you bred them for the game,
you put them in the wood and field
the power of death on them to wield.

Line two should be saying that the pheasants are being bred for their meat! That they are game!! Is a given.
As it stands now line 2 is saying that they are being bred specifically for the "game" of being hunted and killed.


David.

[David Smedley]

DS. Whilst I appreciate helpful comments from fellow aspiring poets, I think, judging from your comments, that you need help understanding and interpreting my poem and I'm happy to assist you as follows ;
You say ;
Hung there are six I see are dead
their lovely plumage sodden red,
they fell like hail from up on high
in that wide air, free where they fly.

The last line in the above verse reads very awkwardly, and (for me) was concocted in that way so that the rhyme could be forced.
The "hail" comparison does not work (for me) because of the size difference.

Answer is... "hail" not size which [for me ] is irrelevent but ice cold...dead is the point. I think in each of my poems you make reference to forced rhyme which does come over as a bit of a prejudice on your part, I deny its forced and the "free" reference purposefully contrast with the imposition of the hunters activity on the bird. Think about it ![/b]

There is no way for the reader to deduce that it is the "hails" property of being cold that you really want to liken the bird to.

You say

When you arrived here on the lane
I knew your interests dealt in pain,
you think your gun a lovely thing
though nought but death for birds it brings.

There are parts in this poem that (for me) do not add up, I can best get what I mean across here, You say in V1 that you met "in the wood" and that you knew he was around because of the noise from the "gunshot, but now you say the "lane" was your first encounter, and if this is so then you already knew he was around.

Answer
"Well met sir" is an expression !, its conversational, it does NOT state I met him first in the wood. If that is what I intended I would have started the poem " I met you in this wood". You are getting bogged down in petty detail and irrelevancy of no significance. "Wood for trees". Sorry but this is my response to your response

Yes, "well met" is an expression, but an expression of what? Look it up! even I use it in jest sometimes when shaking hands with a pal. It's not petty detail, it is your opening to this poem. And if it is "conversational" who is it that you are conversing with? and what are they to take it that you mean when you say "well met?"



You say
Of course it’s only birds you kill,
just little murders give you thrill,
here for your quarry skulk and hide
out in this lovely countryside.

Line two above is missing a word, I assume it is missing a word so that the syllable count can be met, and the rhyme forced?
"Just little" seems odd, and the last two lines do not marry with the first two.
Do they "skulk" and "hide?" I see them all over the place when walking, especially in areas where they may come into contact with the "glorious twelfths" gun weilders.

Answer
I fail totally to see your points here. The second line is not lacking a word and the whole verse is a vital expose of the hunter as I see him and as he operates in this wood. Th fact you have seen hunters wandering around public access areas like Wyat Earp is again irrelevant to my poem. As in most of my poetry this is based on fact and actual place

There should be an "a" between "you" and "thrill," and your syntax here is actually saying that it is the "quarry" that is skulking and hiding, not the shooter.


You say
These creatures that you hurt and maim
their yours, you bred them for the game,
you put them in the wood and field
the power of death on them to wield.

Line two should be saying that the pheasants are being bred for their meat! That they are game!! Is a given.
As it stands now line 2 is saying that they are being bred specifically for the "game" of being hunted and killed.

Answer
Precisely !! they are being bread for the "game" ! of hunting but here is yet another example of your lack of comprehension, it is also a "pun"
Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope the above response helps you better understand if not appreciate my poem.

You’re not alone in this delight
your dogs they wag and rush and bite,
one fetched a bird with gaping wound,
your equal joy, though he’s a hound.

These dogs are trained not to bite. "Wound" and "hound," rhyme a little off to the rest of the poem.
Again the last line reads odd.

[Charles]

I enjoyed reading this for what it is. It's flawed and some of the critiques are valid, but I found it easy to follow and it bounced along well. My main grip is how on earth can it be a "silent" wood if there are injured birds and guns going off all over the place.

I'd also cut the following verse:
"Of course it’s only birds you kill,
just little murders give you thrill,
here for your quarry skulk and hide
out in this lovely countryside."

It's the weakest verse IMO and the poems still hangs together without it.

Still, enjoyed.


Made me look up a little poem by Walter de la Mere that I hadn't read since childhood but your poem reminded me of.

"Hi! Handsome hunting man,
Fire your little gun,
Bang! Now that animal
Is dead and dumb and done.
Never more to peep again, creep again, leap again,
Eat or sleep or drink again, oh, what fun! "

[Luce]

Pretty strong poem Ft. N's views are very clear. Would hate to encounter the N in the woods after I just bagged a hare.

Luce

Well met sir, in this silent wood
where I seek verse and you seek blood,
I knew you were not far from here
your gun spoke loud, its message clear.

S1L1For some reason I like the "Well met sir". It gives me an immediate picture of someone very Victorian and morally strict, even though this is not a "period" piece. However, there is nothing in the poem to indicate that it is set in the present time (like a car, etc.) so it doesn't seem out of place for me.

SiL1 - I would suggest something else than "silent" like "sacred".

S1L4 - Would suggest "first" for "loud".

I judged your day was a success
I found a pheasant in distress,
the shot you fired had pierced its eye
surprising that it did not die.

S2L4 - Perhaps something more chilling than "surprising"? After all, you're describing a bird in horrible pain.

Hung there are six I see are dead
their lovely plumage sodden red,
they fell like hail from up on high
in that wide air, free where they fly.

S3L1-4 - I like the imagery, especially the "plumage sodden red". But, that last line reads very awkwardly when read aloud.

When you arrived here on the lane
I knew your interests dealt in pain,
you think your gun a lovely thing
though nought but death for birds it brings.

S4L3-4. These lines beg to be a sentence. The "nought" word definitely makes me think of an older period.

Of course it’s only birds you kill,
just little murders give you thrill,
here for your quarry skulk and hide
out in this lovely countryside.

S5L1-4 - I like the first two lines. Maybe change to "these little murders give you thrills" instead? Not a favorite of L3. I can't buy quarry skulking.

These creatures that you hurt and maim
their yours, you bred them for the game,
you put them in the wood and field
the power of death on them to wield.

S6L1-4 - Like this stanza but maybe there are too many yous/yours in it. But something tells me you can't do anything about that. Perhaps change "death" to "God" or Caesar or something else to represent "death" just for variety. The sentence can read like:

the hand of Caesar on them to wield.

You’re not alone in this delight
your dogs they wag and rush and bite,
one fetched a bird with gaping wound,
your equal joy, though he’s a hound.

S7L1-4 - Good stanza but not fond of L3-L4. L3 begs for an "a" in front of "gaping". Don't know if wound/hound is a close enough rhyme. They look similar but their sounds are different. At least it sounds different in my neck of the woods.

So good day sir, your repast done
time once again to take your gun,
enjoy the horror game you play
I’ll write my poems another day.

S8L1-4 - I like the first two lines. Would suggest "rest" instead of "take" for L2 though. A little disappointed in L4. I expected something more scathing than the N walking away. For example:

"enjoy the horror game you play
the souls you'll eat, at end of day.

TOT Ft.

[David]

Hello 42. It's very old-fashioned, isn't it? Maybe that's your thing, but it does read very fustily.

There is a serious level of iambic overkill as well. You should consider varying the pace a bit. All those (good) old time dudes did that.

Please, also, try to be less tetchy in your responses to unfavourable remarks. (You may experience a few of these. It's just one of those things.) Simply acknowledge them graciously, and disagree politely (if necessary), without being quite so disputatious.

Let the games continue.

Cheers

David

[Luce]

Ft - The poem is coming along - slow but steady wins the race. It's a long piece with strict requirements (meter and rhyme) which makes doing even minor revisions twice as tricky, IMHO. Of course, it may be just me finding it tricky.

I did note the approach you took in posting the revision. I'm assuming it's easier for you to do it this way for personal reasons that you've mentioned before.

Surprisingly, I didn't find it hard to replace the revised line into the original when I read it through. However, this approach may not be workable, if you're forced to do revisions on revisions.

Luce

Original with revised lines along side

Well met sir, in this silent wood.........We meet here in this silent wood

I see you got rid of the "Well met sir". I personally didn't mind it but I must admit I like the revised wording. It starts off the poem in a more modern tone.

where I seek verse and you seek blood,
I knew you were not far from here
your gun spoke loud, its message clear....your gun spoke with it's message clear


I had to read the line several times to get the impact of "with" in the line. I'm wondering if putting with in italics would give it that extra notice that you're looking for. Underlining the word could be easily missed.

I judged your day was a success
I found a pheasant in distress,
the shot you fired had pierced an eye,
surprising that it did not die..............blind agony, though did not die

I kind of like the revised line that shows the bird in agony but it reads awkwardly. Maybe..."left to suffer. I heard its cries" instead? TOT.

Hung there are six I see are dead
their lovely plumage sodden red,
they fell like hail from up on high.......they fell like shattered Autumn leaves
in that wide air, free where they fly.....from their highway above the trees


I like this stanza a lot. I like the autumn leave imagery. It doesn't matter the size. I imagine the sound which is close enough to a mad flutter of wings for me.

Not crazy about "highway". Sounds a little too cliché. The use of "highway" is a bit over used, especially in poetry. I wonder if you can use skyway? I know it's meant for aircraft but why not for birds?

I don't know a lot about pheasants and their habits but do they really spend a lot of time in the sky or on the ground? If they spend more time on the ground, then this imagery may not completely work for some.

When you arrived here from the lane
I knew your interests dealt in pain,
you think your gun a lovely thing ...................you love the power your gun bringsthough nought but death for birds it brings........imposing death to birds on wing


I like the first three lines, especially the original 2nd line and revised 3rd line of this stanza. Not crazy about the 4th line. It's very awkward sounding Ft. Maybe...."imposing death to all with wings" instead? TOT.

Of course it’s only birds you kill,
just little murders give you thrill,
here for your quarry skulk and hide....so arrogant with selfish pride
out in this lovely countryside.

Still think L2 of this stanza can be a sentence. "Of course it's only birds you kill. These little murders give you thrills". TOT.

Not crazy about the L3 revised line. it doesn't flow well with the last line in the stanza. Perhaps....describe what the hunter brings into the lovely countryside: death, cruelty, ugliness, carnage, savagery, etc.

These creatures that you hurt and maim
their yours, you bred them for the game,
you put them in this wood and field..........you put them in this wooded land
the power of death on them to wield........for this sick game that you had planned

I like the revised stanza except for using "game" twice. Perhaps "sport" can be used for L4 instead? TOT.

You’re not alone in this delight
your dogs they wag and rush and bite,......your dogs the seek the crippled flightone fetched a bird with gaping wound,
your equal joy, though he’s a hound.

Oddly enough you revised the one line I personally didn't have a problem with. Not a favorite stanza of mine for the same reasons I mentioned in my first review.

So good day sir, your repast done.......So now good day, your repasts done
time once again to lift your gun,
enjoy the horror game you play..........enjoy the cruel game you play
I’ll write my poems another day.[/b]

I like the revision of the first line in this stanza. Again, it gives it a more modern feel then saying "...good day sir". Do like "lift" in L2.

I preferred the original L3. I liked "horror game you play as oppose to "cruel game you play". It is just more sonically pleasing to me.

Still think you need stronger closing imagery than the poet just walking away. That's just me. For others, the closing may be fine.

[David]

He gone, Luce.

[David]

He back, Luce.

[Martha]

The form is not the best, but I really like the emotions

[David]

Sorry, this is only half a thread now, its progenitor having departed these shores, so I'm locking it.

David