Brought to Light by Winter's Denuding

[David Smedley]

You had no-one to hold your hand and comfort you,
or a doctor to diagnose and write a prescription
for whatever it was that ailed; no, you were alone
with your last breath, and I can tell from the way you lie
that you keeled over onto your side and curled up to die.
You could hear the lake lapping, and in summer
all the reeds you died in sport heads like cotton candy floss,
and I wonder if from your view looking up, you saw how they
floated like clouds against the blue sky. Your hide is ghostlike,
see-through down to the earth in places, in others threadbare
like a carpet that's been walked on for years. I want you to get up,
because I love foxes, but your feeding what's waiting to grow
from the cold ground, a part going back to the whole, to begin again,
and I can accept this, me who believes in life after death.

[Luce]

I enjoy prose poems, like this one. I like how it relentlessly rambles on from one image to the next. It can almost leave you breathless. These poems usually involve a story and this one is no exception except it really describes a moment which makes it extra special.

The N encounters the dried out remains of a long dead fox and expresses sorrow at its passing. However, there is also the belief that the fox has passed on in another, hopefully happier, life. More comments below:

Luce

You had no-one to hold your hand and comfort you,
or a doctor to diagnose and write a prescription
for whatever it was that ailed; no, you were alone
with your last breath, and I can tell from the way you lie
that you keeled over onto your side and curled up to die.

At first I thought the N was talking about a dead human being only to find out it was a dead fox. It's very misleading which can lead to disappointment. I really think you should slowly describe that the reader is viewing the remains of a fox. It can go from the general description of death common to man or beast (position, expression, setting, etc.,) and gradually become specific.

You could hear the lake lapping, and in summer
all the reeds you died in sport heads like cotton candy floss,

Do like the "lake lapping in summer" line. But, I don't know if the present tense works here since the fox is long dead. Not quite getting the "reeds you died in sport heads" line. It's hard for me to picture.

I wonder if from your view looking up, you saw how they
floated like clouds against the blue sky. Your hide is ghostlike,

Not quite buying the reeds looking like cotton candy floss against the blue sky. Reeds are vertical and not that billowy looking. They definitely don't look like clouds - at least to me they don't. Don't know if the N is asking the reader to look at the reeds from a dead fox's point of view or a live one.

Rather than say the hide is "ghostlike", just go straight into the description.

see-through down to the earth in places, in others threadbare
like a carpet that's been walked on for years. I want you to get up,

Like the carpet description. Good comparison of a once beautiful thing worn terribly down.

because I love foxes, but your feeding the earth,

Like the "Get up because I love foxes" line. Great example of compassion and a sense of loss without being overly sentimental.

I think you mean "you're" not "your".

a part going back to the whole, to begin again, and I can accept this,
me who believes in life after death.

I partially like the closing. I wish you could come up with some imagery instead of telling us that the N believes in "life after death".

[David Smedley]

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Luce said.
I partially like the closing. I wish you could come up with some imagery instead of telling us that the N believes in "life after death".

Hiya Luce, I was more interested in the reader asking how "N" sees how life after death may be attained, and hopefully seeing that what happens to the fox and ultimately all of us gives the answer.

Yes the reed-tops were from the foxes point of view, ie, looking up.

PS, I have slightly amended the poem to give even more clarity to "N" thinking on the "life after death."
This also gives imagery to the process/connection, ie, what that new life will look like.
Thanks for focusing me.

Thanks for your read and views here, David.

[Firebird]

I like it. Although I'm not too sure about your very sentimental opening 4 lines. Of course a fox didn't have any of the things you describe. But they do tell us how much your N felt for the fox, so perhaps they're fine. Some specific points below.

You had no-one to hold your hand and comfort you,
or a doctor to diagnose and write a prescription
for whatever it was that ailed; no, you were alone
with your last breath, and I can tell from the way you lie
that you keeled over onto your side and curled up to die.
You could hear the lake lapping, and in summer
all the reeds you died in sport heads like cotton candy floss, (I think this line needs punctuation, as I had to read it a couple of time to understand its sense)
and I wonder if from your view looking up, you saw how they (I think 'from your view' is redundant')
floated like clouds against the blue sky. Your hide is ghostlike, (lovely line)
see-through down to the earth in places, in others threadbare
like a carpet that's been walked on for years. I want you to get up, (do you need, 'like a carpet that's been walked on for years'. I think 'threadbare' implies that)
because I love foxes, but your feeding what's waiting to grow (don't like 'because I love foxes'. It's clear from the rest of the poem, especially the first 5 lines. Why not mention it's rust/red fur or maybe how you stroked it, if you want to open the door a bit wider, although it is open enough for me)
from the cold ground, a part going back to the whole, to begin again,
and I can accept this, me who believes in life after death.

Nice poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Macavity]

You had no-one to hold your hand and comfort you,
or a doctor to diagnose and write a prescription
for whatever it was that ailed; no, you were alone
with your last breath, and I can tell from the way you lie
that you keeled over onto your side and curled up to die....................conveys that sense of resignation/acceptance
You could hear the lake lapping, and in summer
all the reeds you died in sport heads like cotton candy floss,
and I wonder if from your view looking up, you saw how they
floated like clouds against the blue sky. Your hide is ghostlike,.......love the break, illustrates the impact of a concise statement
see-through down to the earth in places, in others threadbare
like a carpet that's been walked on for years. I want you to get up,.................the honest simple statement is very effective
because I love foxes, but you're feeding what's waiting to grow
from the [s]cold[/s] ground, a part going back to the whole, to begin again,
and I can accept this, me who believes in life after death.

I enjoyed this David. The voice does hook the reader. Perhaps the opening section is conjunction heavy, and the long sentences have a lot of comma litter, but it didn't confuse my reading. The pathos connected. I liked the reed image, but the use of sport made me pause. I agree with Tristan about not needing to expand on threadbare. Death feeds life was the concluding message for me.

best

mac

[Antcliff]

Greetings, David

Only a small thought to add to what others have said. I wonder if this is rather redundant....

to diagnose and write a prescription
for whatever it was that ailed

Trust the reader to know what a doctor does?


Best, Seth.

[David]

I like this a lot, David, but don't lines 4 and 5 seem a bit McGonagallesque to you? A little unMcgonagallising there would work small wonders.

I do emphasise that, overall, I like it - especially the description of the corpse. While I was finishing my comments, however, the title caught my eye: do you have to have Denuding in it? I think something simpler would be more in keeping - unless I'm missing something fundamental.

Nice poem.

Cheers

David

[David Smedley]

Luce.
FB.
Mac.
Seth.
David.

Thanks all for your views, Will glean something from the whole. D

[camus]

Does any poem look good in block?

Answers on postcard please.

Aesthetics aside, really enjoyed this poem.

This was difficult to read:

You could hear the lake lapping, and in summer
all the reeds you died in sport heads like cotton candy floss,

Some punctuation, or break required somewhere here?

"Your hide is ghostlike,
see-through"

Unnecessary repetition?

Just picking...

Cheers
Camus

[David]

Luce.
FB.
Mac.
Seth.
David.

Thanks all for your views, Will glean something from the whole. D

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a little more in the way of a response to the responses, David. These people - including me, I see - have all put a fair bit of time and effort into their comments on your poem. They deserve better and closer attention than you've given them here.

Cheers

David

[David Smedley]

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a little more in the way of a response to the responses, David. These people - including me, I see - have all put a fair bit of time and effort into their comments on your poem. They deserve better and closer attention than you've given them here.

Cheers

David

If it's not good enough David, then this reply is the last time I will post here. See ya. D. (No reply needed).

[David]

If it's not good enough David, then this reply is the last time I will post here. See ya. D. (No reply needed).

True enough.