Loneliness

[Halfwrittenpoem]

A brook of whiskey
splashes against the
rocks, rattling the glass
being filled repeatedly.
Technicoloured rays
strike my fatigued face,
performing a familiar
drama- that you hated.
The charred incense
of your brimming ashtray
inculcates memories of
how your breath tastes.
These eerie sounds,
These gaudy colors,
These stinky odors,
compose a melancholic
tune when you’re gone,
the blues of the South
still ringing in my ears
after you’ve returned home.

[Firebird]

Although there are some good lines this isn’t working for me at present HWP. Some specific pointers below.

A brook of whiskey
splashes against the
rocks, rattling the glass (great image to start)
being filled repeatedly.
Technicoloured rays
strike my fatigued face, (why not describe what your face actually looks like? It helps us see the fatigue more vividly)
performing a familiar
drama- that you hated. (Maybe say what her/his reaction would be)
The charred incense
of your brimming ashtray
inculcates memories of
how your breath tastes.
These eerie sounds, (what are these sounds? Be specific and less abstract. It’s more engaging for the reader)
These gaudy colours, (what are these colours?)
These stinky odours, (‘stinky’ needs to go. It made me laugh, and I know that wasn’t the affect you were going for. Maybe ‘festering’? Or be specific and tell us what they actually are)
compose a melancholic
tune when you’re gone,
the blues of the South (this is a bit hackneyed for me)
still ringing in my ears (‘ringing in my ears’ is a cliche. Try to use more original language, if you can)
after you’ve returned home.

I love the opening, but then you need to be much more specific about what you are describing. I do think there is a good poem in here, it just not showing through that vividly at present,

Cheers,

Tristan

[the stranger]

I agree with Tristan, much to like here.

"A brook of whiskey" is one of those beautiful phrases, that you wished you'd written.

It continues well with a doomed metaphor, splashing against the rocks, rattling the glass.

For me it starts to go a bit awry with "Technicoloured rays" it doesn't seem in keeping with the sublime beginning.

"inculcates" great word, but again seems out of sorts, almost forced as if you've headed straight for a thesaurus! If you have, it shows, if you haven't then apologies for having a better vocabulary than me.

"These stinky odors" I really didn't like, too childish in its approach.

The closing lines, start getting back on track.

There is definitely a good poem in here.

Cheers
TS

[ray miller]

Apart from lines 5 and 6 I think it's okay.

A brook of whiskey
splashes against the
rocks, rattling the glass
being filled repeatedly. - "being filled" is superfluous, really.
Technicoloured rays
strike my fatigued face,
performing a familiar
drama- that you hated.
The charred incense
of your brimming ashtray
inculcates memories of - I'd go for rekindles, myself.
how your breath tastes.
These eerie sounds,
These gaudy colors,
These stinky odors,
compose a melancholic
tune when you’re gone,
the blues of the South
still ringing in my ears
after you’ve returned home.

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Tristian,
Thank you for reading my work. I agree with you on needing to add more details and imagery to the body of the poetry and I will be posting a revision soon.
TS,
Thanks for the read. Even though I didn't refer to the Thesaurus while using the word inculcate, I understand it doesn't blend well into the line and I plan to change the word.
Ray Miller,
Thank you for reading my work. I will take into consideration the small pointers you've mentioned while revising the poem.
Fortytwo,
Thank you for the read. I plan to get rid of the word stinky completely and "taste the memory" sounds like something I could really use instead of 'inculcate'.
Regards,
hwp.
Reason for editing: A more detailed response to received critiques.

[David]

Firebird, the stranger, ray miller, fortytwo- Thank you all for your suggestions. I will keep them all in mind while revising the piece.
~hwp

A more detailed response to the particular points raised would be helpful (not to mention considerate), hwp. Can you do that? Otherwise people, eventually, become deterred from commenting on your poems in the first place. And we don't want that.

Cheers

David

[Halfwrittenpoem]

David- I apologise for sounding curt while responding to the critiques. I'll be sure to post a more detailed response to each comment the next time.
Regards,
hwp.