We planted a rose v2

[oggiesnr]

The Rose and the Turf

Mum; we planted a rose above your grave,
a white one, pale as your life.

For Dad we reserved the next door plot
but life had left a rift too deep.

He decreed that his ashes be scattered
in the grounds of his church.

Only ashes aren’t scattered,
they lift a turf and spread them beneath.

And now.

Your rose blooms wildly each year,
bringing life to the graveyard,

whilst the turf is cut and regulated
in accordance with the ordinances.

...........

We planted a rose

We planted a rose above you,
a white one, pale as your life.

We reserved the next door plot
but the rift was now too deep.

He decreed his ashes would be scattered
in the grounds of his church.

Come the day the ashes weren’t scattered,
they lifted a turf and spread them beneath.

And now.

Your rose blooms wildly each year,
bringing life to the graveyard,

whilst the turf is cut and regulated
in accordance with the ordinances.

In Death not as in Life.

[David]

I like this, Steve. (It is Steve, isn't it?) Some of the details seem to be known to the poet without making it across to the reader, but that doesn't seem like a major inconvenience. In fact I think the poem works pretty well.

Hopefully there'll be someone else along shortly with another crit. (You wait ages for a crit, and then ... Well, hopefully.)

Cheers

David

[oggiesnr]

I like this, Steve. (It is Steve, isn't it?) Some of the details seem to be known to the poet without making it across to the reader, but that doesn't seem like a major inconvenience. In fact I think the poem works pretty well.

Thanks for the crit David. This one was a midbight poem and I've not worked as much on it as some, this is pretty well as it came to me. I can see a couple of places to make it more explicit but I thought I'd gather some others thoughts before revising.

Steve (yes you were right).

[David]

Yay for the Steve!

I wouldn't want to encourage you to make things too achingly obvious, but just a little light background information might help. I could be wrong, though, so don't overdo it.

David

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Steve,
very nice, especially the first half.
For me, it's as clear as it needs
to be. Couple of suggestions:

We planted a rose
Would prefer a different title,
purely to avoid the repetition.

We planted a rose above you,
white, pale as your life,

reserved the plot next door
but the rift was now too deep.

He decreed his ashes scattered
in the grounds of his church.
(italicise 'his' ?)

Come the day [we] lifted [the] turf
and [simply swept him] beneath.

I don't think the last section adds much
(the 'blooms wildly' stanza seems a bit
too close to cliché)

Regards, Not
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[oggiesnr]

Thanks for the crit.

I agree about the last stanza, it's the one I've thought hardest about. When they were both alive mum was bed bound (another story) and dad had the active social life. In death he seems sterile and she is the one blooming and attracting life to the cemetry (please note, not the churchyard). That part is the image I am struggling with.

Steve

[Jackie]

Hi Steve,

I enjoyed this very much. Perhaps in this line—He decreed his ashes would be scattered—you could try omitting “would be” and changing the verb.

The beginning is beautifully factual and specific. To me, you distance yourself at the end: blooms wildly, bringing life—what do those things look like?

Personally, I could do without the last line. Or it could be the title, maybe?

Jackie

[JJWilliamson]

I also like this one, Steve, and have very little to offer by way of critique. The other comments look good to me
and I agree that the last line could easily go without it affecting the poem.

Your explanation helped but I was kind of getting there anyway, so maybe only a nudge in the accessibility department.
My biggest concern was one of identity. Knowing that it was about your mum and dad helped enormously yet you don't
specify the nature of the relationships.

We planted a rose

We planted a rose above you, ...Maybe "her" to introduce gender. OR add "mum" after 'you'. You might not want
to lose the conversational tone, but that's something only you can decide.

a white one, pale as your life.

We reserved the next door plot (for dad)
but the rift was now too deep. ...I'm assuming the plot was for your dad. but it's not clear, and the 'rift' is a puzzle. BUT I can guess if the characters are specified.

He decreed his ashes would be scattered
in the grounds of his church.

Come the day[s]the ashes weren’t scattered,[/s]they lifted a turf and spread them beneath.

And now.

Your rose blooms wildly each year,
bringing life to the graveyard,

whilst the turf is cut and regulated
in accordance with the ordinances.

[s]In Death not as in Life.[/s]

Hope some of this helps.

Best

JJ

[oggiesnr]

Thank you Jackie and JJ for your crits. I have a new version in the works which I'll post shortly which reflects the comments that everyone has made.

Steve

[oggiesnr]

The next version is now up complete with a change of title. I'll happily accept any better suggestions fo it.

Steve

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Steve,

I'm afraid I don't think the revision is an improvement (and the title sounds like the name of a pub:) - you could go with
'Cemetery and Churchyard' or 'Mum and Dad' I suppose, but, reading the original, I didn't feel the need to know their
specific identities.) Ignoring the second half, I think you already have the 'sterile/blooming' contrast, though you might
add an equivalent to 'pale as your life' for him (around L5) to hint at his 'active social life'.

Regards, Not.
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[oggiesnr]

Thanks Not,

On reflection I think I agree with you so back to the thinking board. The one change that will stay is the deletion of the original last line.

Steve

[David]

I disagree, Steve. I think the revision is a great improvement - especially for dropping the original last line. And I'm very glad you've cleared up the previous confusion. But what the heck? You don't come here for the consensus, do you?

Cheers

David

[oggiesnr]

Thanks David.

Agreement amongst poets? Never!

I'm still unsure as to where to take this one, I think I'm going to let it moulder for a bit.

Steve