Call Me

[Jackie]

Call me when twilight turns the yard
golden. Let it bathe me—I want to
breathe in the glow.

Call me when our peach wall
yellows and all the red roofs
wane as if with closed eyes.

Call me when dark gold-laced clouds
threaten wildness
and thunder in the night.

Call me while the leaves shine
that clean green as if they’d just woken.
Or I’d call twilight, if it could be spoken.

[Macavity]

hi Jackie,
For me, the poem conveyed a longing for release and immersion. A cleansing from the tiredness of day. An abandonment of the constraints that weights the self. The wall/yard/roof - the human confines transformed by the twilight. I like how light gives breath. How 'threat' is used in a positive, a promise, waking from the somnambulance of day. Of course, that is just a perspective. N. could have been enjoying a 'sleepy' afternoon and doesn't want to be disturbed until the twilight drama Either way I felt the anticipated joy.

enjoyed

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Jackie.

Call me when twilight turns the yard
golden. Let it bathe me—I want to
breathe in the glow.
Strong start, agree with mac about 'breathe'.
In what sense are you using 'bathe'?

Call me when our peach wall
yellows and all the red roofs
wane as if with closed eyes.
This seems comparatively weak,
and should, perhaps be cut.

Call me when dark gold-laced clouds
threaten wildness
and thunder in the night.
Strongest verse, for me, though slightly
disappointed by the repetition of 'gold'

Call me while the leaves shine
that clean green as if they’d just woken.
Or I’d call twilight, if it could be spoken.
'clean green' doesn't suggest twilight to me,
and the sudden rhyme is intrusive.

Enjoyed overall, though I don't think
the repetition of 'call me' works very
well.

Regards, Not.
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[Jackie]

Mac, your first description is just what I was trying to convey and I'm glad you felt it. Twilight only lasts for a few moments here, but it's intense and magical.

Not, your specific comments are very helpful. The color transformations from just moments before and moments after are astonishing, and I guess I haven't figured out how to put that on paper yet.

Thank you both for stopping by,
Jackie

[churinga]

Hi Jackie

Call me when our peach wall
yellows and all the red roofs
wane as if with closed eyes.
I disagree with Not, I like this V. It is more specific than V1 which for me is a bit generic. The image of closed eyes is lyrical. You could go further and leave out 'wane' and say 'all the red roofs close their eyes'

Call me when dark gold-laced clouds
threaten wildness
and thunder in the night.
'wildness' is a vague, obvious adjective. gold-laced clouds is a fine image, 'thunder in the night, is a bit less original but sounds good.

Call me while the leaves shine
that clean green as if they’d just woken.
Or I’d call twilight, if it could be spoken.[/quote]
You don't need 'that'. 'clean green' is a rhyme you could do without but the idea of the greens being cleaner, (sharper visually) is a nice detail. A good ending, the soft sound of 'spoken' echoes the feeling of twilight.

hope this helps
Ross

[Charles]

Really enjoyed this one. It conveys a sense of peace yet managed to be dramatic at the same time if that makes sense.


I especially liked " red roofs
wane as if with closed eyes."

Not sure the closing rhyming couplet actually gives a stronger ending. For me it puts things slightly off-balance.

[Jackie]

Ross, thank you for explaining in such detail; your comments are very helpful.

Charles, yes, it does make sense. I have a really hard time staying balanced on the emotional tightrope when I write.

Thank you both for taking the time.

Jackie

[Mirrorball]

Hi Jackie,

I enjoy reading atmospheric poems so thanks for sharing. I personally don’t have an issue with the closing couplet because ‘me’ and twilight are in alignment at the close of the poem/day. I agree that repetition of ‘Call me’ is not a good fit: it sounds like someone is waiting on the other end of a phone.

‘Call me while the leaves shine that clean green as if they’d just woken’ isn’t an image I associate with twilight. It makes me think of the dawn after overnight rain.

Overall, it’s a neat and satisfying little poem for me.

[CalebPerry]

I just want to respond to what NotQuiteSure said about the intrusive rhyme.

I often end unrhymed poems with a rhyme, so for me it is a technique. To throw in a rhyme in an unrhymed poem provides both emphasis to the meaning and a moment of sonic beauty. For me, the rhymed ending works very well.

[oggiesnr]

Hi Jackie.

I enjoyed this very much however I have a couple of observations.

The off the wall one first. I mentally replaced "Call me ..." with "Come to me ..." (or even "Come for me ..") in the opening of each verse. Makes it a different poem but works quite well but obviously not where you were going. Just an evil thought on my part.

As far as "thunder" is concerned, would "echoes" work?

The last verse is the weakest, I would also cut out "clean green" probably just go with "as if just woken". The last line leaves me cold, I'm unclear as to where you're trying to go with it.

That said I did enjoy it as a whole and I really like the images in stanzas 1 and 2.

All the best

Steve

[David]

Yes, I think this is lovely too, Jackie. You've caught the golden moment, with a nice sense of intimacy too.

Beautiful last line - and I agree, the effect is enhanced by the rhyme (by no means always a guaranteed effect).

Cheers

David

[Jackie]

Much appreciated, everyone. You’ve given me good help on this one.

Mirrorball, you seem to be saying that the couplet works for you because it parallels the alignment between the narrator and twilight. I love it!

Perry, I agree with you about the technique; the problem rests with whether the poet has been able to pull it off, right?

Steve, and Not, the “call me’s” in this poem may well be one of those stuck-in-reality aspects of writing that need to be shucked to achieve good writing, but they’re so vivid to me. They’re the words that came to me as I burst outside trying not to miss this rare event here that turns everything shimmering for only a minute or two.

Thank you, David. I’m so pleased you liked it.

Jackie

[1lankest]

Really nice Jackie.

Call me when our peach wall
yellows and all the red roofs - be tempted to drop this, seems tautological when roofs plural anyway.
wane as if with closed eyes.

L

[Charles]

Just to weigh in again on the rhyme.

I think part of it that the rhyme is the last two syllables, which makes it far more pronounced. Another factor is the visual - I may be going too far here but I wonder if the way it rests on the screen:

that clean green as if they’d just woken.
Or I’d call twilight, if it could be spoken.

With the last four identical letters lining up exactly, (and both lines end-stopped as well) gives it that slightly unbalancing impact? I recited the last verse with my eyes closed and it didn't bother me as much.

Wonderful poem overall - just interesting to dissect why that rhyme put one or two of us off.