Golden Feet

[Liberator]

Golden feet tread lightly,
silver platters soon get served.
A door creaks open slightly,
beyond is night unstirred.
Golden feet move on now,
unsure of path to go.
Route chosen though unknown how,
Golden feet just seem to flow.
The dark beyond grows deeper,
the shadows loom in close.
No thought of silver platters,
no memory of playing host.
Golden feet move swifter still,
-a voice pierced from afar.
Golden feet seem drawn 'gainst will,
no light but moon and star.
The trees come into sight,
a break forms in the line.
Running freely from moons light,
voice pulls 'gainst golden mind.
Through tunnel dark and long,
golden feet stumble and toil.
The voice becomes pure song,
trees no longer spring from soil.
Cliff edge looms quick and close,
ground soon drops away.
Golden feet don't come to know,
what pure song had to say...

[Leslie]

I get an impression of someone being lured to their death by a disembodied voice; the sequence is clear enough but I just can't get the meaning of the golden feet or the silver platters. There's a later reference to playing host, which rather suggests some upper-crust dinner party with the silver platters being served, but I still don't see how that is of importance in the presumed death sequence.
I'm by no means against trad forms and rhyming but I do think you've rather ham-strung yourself with a tight structure which has led to some awkward expressions and abbreviated forms that sound somewhat archaic. Reckon you need to rethink and rejig this one so that simpler minds can understand your images. Leslie.

[Liberator]

maybe you right, its meaning is a private thing... one thing its not, is a death sequence. Thanks all the same for your time and effort.

[David]

"maybe you right, its meaning is a private thing" - that's fine, but you have to decide whether you want to keep it private or whether you want to share it. It's the sharing that makes it a poem, I think. Otherwise it remains something between a charm and a curse.

I'm inclined to agree with Leslie about the archaic language, unless it serves a purpose in itself. Too many "'gainsts"!

If you want it to have the power of an incantation, which is not too far off at times - the repetition of golden feet in particular is quite effective - I think you need to tighten the rhythm. It starts off pretty tight, but gets a lot slacker as you progress. Having said that, I have as little idea of what is going on as Leslie.

Is that the effect you wanted?

Cheers

David

[Liberator]

No, your both right, I don't want it to be a mystery.

The subject matter came from an old girlfriend, the poem itself was rendered from a dream she had....I just cant figure out a way to keep the mystery, the ethereal nature of the poem, without spoiling it...

I know it needs work, and welcome suggestions as to how it needs tightening up...I just cant see the mistakes because its all clear to me.


Stevie

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Yep! got me too. Are we talking Zinédine Zidane or something? Not that I can really make the context work around foolball.

I found it a little difficult to read with all the repetition and strange olde dialect. It does have a strange pull, however. I wanted to know what it was about as I was reading and it did make me very curious, enough to read it a few times.

I don't think you can get away with the "private meaning" explanation. Try tightening it up, modernising the language a bit and put some more clues in for us.

Cheers
Dave

[Liberator]

Thanks Dave....I can see now this obviously needs some serious working over...LOL, best get on it... any more suggestions welcome, in the mean time....i must refine.

Stevie