Tomorrow
Tomorrow came;
an open coffin,
a few flowers,
Facebook announcement,
flowery condolences.
A scattered handful
dotting the crem.
Eulogy from
a preacher
who never met the man.
A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Ashes in an urn,
courtesy of China
delivered by DPC.
Tomorrow came,
Nobody cared.
Tomorrow
DPC?
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Hello oggiesnr. Been so long I can't remember your name. If I ever did know it. Last two lines you don't need, you've already shown nobody cares. " a few flowers....flowery condolences" is a bit lazy. How about "Facebook announcement/ Nobody liked"? Rest is fine, I think.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Thanks for the crit Ray. I'll put my thinking cap on. Maybe "pro forma condolences".
Reason for the last lines were to try and round it off. I suspect I had in my mind the 1970's poster "Suppose they gave a war and no-one came" as well as "Tomorrow never comes."
Food for thought,
Steve
Reason for the last lines were to try and round it off. I suspect I had in my mind the 1970's poster "Suppose they gave a war and no-one came" as well as "Tomorrow never comes."
Food for thought,
Steve
Hi Steve - deadpan at its best. Brilliant start.
I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits.
If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 :
A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Tomorrow came;
ashes in an urn,
delivered by DHL.
Jules
I'm inclined to agree with Ray's edits.
If you are wedded to 'Tomorrow's' return you could drop China and make S3 :
A curtain drawn,
a fire lit.
Tomorrow came;
ashes in an urn,
delivered by DHL.
Jules
Thanks Jules,
I'm going to do an edit in the next day or two and I'll take your points on board,
Steve
I'm going to do an edit in the next day or two and I'll take your points on board,
Steve
It's one of the courier services (home delivery) here in the UK. Think FedEx or similar. It actually stands for "Dalsey, Hillblom and Lynn" who were the founders but it is now a subsiduary of the German Poat Office.
Steve
Steve