Poem

[Charles]

The accusation laid out -
her eyes, sterilised needles,
glisten with clinical fury.

I reply without pause
impassive, ascetic, legal.
I recite facts as truth.

She breaks off her assault
and empties the syringes
on the ground before me.

[Macavity]

I think you could be more generous with the title Charles

I got emotional liquidity v dry rationality. I could slot that into gender stereotypes. Either way I like I recite facts as truth. How the argument is delivered sways so much. I did wonder if the drug references were a consequence of being confronted with such a 'legal' mind (my case for the defence )

glisten with clinical fury

Not swallowing the oxymoron and I think you want to keep a clear contrast with S2.

hope that helps some

I felt your poem had an interesting slant.

mac

[Charles]

Thanks very much for the comments Mac.

Yes a working title was "The lie", but felt that was ruining the nuance of line you picked out. Another one was "forgotten conversation", thought it would be interesting to describe a conversation without reference to the actual speech and this poem is the result. At one stage it was seven stanzas but decided to go for brevity as it matched the theme.

Gender stereotypes? Yes perhaps. Morally, I'm very much on the side of the female for the record. Perhaps I will dig out some of those stanzas I mentioned as it paint the narrator of the poem in darker tones.

I'll have a think about the line you picked out - there should be something better I can do with it.

Thanks again,

Charles

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Charles,
not a fan of the title, or (following mac again) 'clinical fury'.
(I see you had 'The Lie' originally. Like that, particularly how it resonates with L.6)

Perhaps I will dig out some of those stanzas I mentioned as it paint the narrator of the poem in darker tones.

I'd be interested to see this, the piece does feel rather unbalanced having only N's word for what happens.

Wondered about a slight change in line order

her eyes, sterilised needles,
glisten with clinical fury.
The accusation laid out -

I reply without pause
impassive, ascetic, legal.
reciting facts as truth.

She breaks off her assault
and empties both syringes
on the ground before me.

Would it still work if 'she' became 'you'?

Enjoyed the read.

Regards, Not


.

[Amadis]

I hear drug addiction, and the irrational denial it brings.
A breakthrough, emptying the syringes.
( I could be way off in my reading)