Domestic Roadkill

[LeeOston]

Version II
I’m gonna smash this pub quiz.
Been reading up on Anglo-Norman history,
actually. I’m thinking about doing a degree.

I’ve got a new e-mail buddy.
They’re my biggest inspiration,
Unbelievable dedication to the manufacturing industry.
That’s who I want to be.
I love their hair colour.
And I’ve never seen anyone work a claw-machine like that.
There wasn’t a prize left in there by four-thirty.
New and modern,
Real raw passion that you just don’t get anywhere else.

There’s dust in your loft,
I thought you’d like to know,
Maybe get someone in?

A new glass-eye shop opened up
down the high-street.
I might take a look. No,
I don’t need one. And I don’t already have one.
Might be a nice ornament for my office,
like Christmas but even in July.
It’ll go nice with that poster I got the other week.

My newsagent said it was 3 for 1 then charged me full price,
There’s a drought at the moment,
So I didn’t like to kick up a fuss.
I’m like a llama, really,
Because I always have the hump.
And I spit, occasionally.

I’m taking a shot at expressing myself.
Michelle said I was too closed off.
That hurt, and I’ll prove her wrong
with a sharp stick.
It’s common saying, mate.
You should get out more.
You know, I’ve taken up tennis recently.
It’s really transformed
The way I think.


Version I
There’s dust in your loft,
I thought you’d like to know.
Maybe get someone in.

I’ve got a new
e-mail buddy.
They’re my biggest inspiration,
Unbelievable dedication to the manufacturing industry.
That’s who I want to be.
I love their hair colour.
And I’ve never seen anyone work a claw-machine like that.
There wasn’t a prize left in there by
four-thirty.
New and modern,
A style never before seen.
Real raw passion that you just don’t get anywhere else.

My newsagent said it was 3 for 1 then charged me full price,
There’s a drought at the moment,
So I didn’t like to kick up a fuss.
I’m like a llama, really,
Because I always have the hump.
And I spit, occasionally.

A new glass-eye shop opened down the high-street.
I might take a look in there.
No, I don’t need one.
And I don’t already have one.
Both of mine are
biological.
It just might be a nice ornament for my office,
like Christmas but even in July.
It’ll go nice with that poster I got the other week.
I’m taking a shot at expressing myself.
Michelle said I was too closed off.
That hurt, and I’ll prove her wrong with a sharp stick.
It’s common saying, mate.
You should get out more.
I’ve taken up tennis recently.
It’s really transformed
The way I think.

I’m gonna smash this pub quiz.
I’ve been reading up on Anglo-Norman history, actually.
I’m thinking about doing a degree and becoming famous.
Keep it toasty, coasty.

[CalebPerry]

The first thing that I notice in a poem is the clarity or lack thereof.

I’ve got a new
e-mail buddy.
They’re my biggest inspiration,

You jump from writing about an e-mail buddy (an individual) to writing about "they", but without explaining who "they" are.

After jumping to "they", the poem is mostly incomprehensible to me. It has a stream-of-consciousness quality that puts me off.

[Macavity]

Welcome to the forum Lee. I like the tone, some amusing sections. The sense of disconnected in the attempts to connect.

And I’ve never seen anyone work a claw-machine like that.
There wasn’t a prize left in there by
four-thirty.

That made me smile.

My newsagent said it was 3 for 1 then charged me full price,
There’s a drought at the moment,
So I didn’t like to kick up a fuss.

Nicely dry. Actually the more I look at the poem the more amusing I find it (and the aspirations).

I’m gonna smash this pub quiz.
I’ve been reading up on Anglo-Norman history, actually.
I’m thinking about doing a degree and becoming famous.
Keep it toasty, coasty.

I feel, in keeping with the delivery, that a clipped rather than an exaggerated ending works best.

enjoyed

Phil

[LeeOston]

Hi Phil (and all),

Thanks for the criticism and the warm welcome. I definitely agree with you about the ending.

Glad you enjoed it,
Lee.

[LeeOston]

Hi Caleb,

The first thing that I notice in a poem is the clarity or lack thereof.

I’ve got a new
e-mail buddy.
They’re my biggest inspiration,

You jump from writing about an e-mail buddy (an individual) to writing about "they", but without explaining who "they" are.

After jumping to "they", the poem is mostly incomprehensible to me. It has a stream-of-consciousness quality that puts me off.

Thanks for your feedback.
I was using "they" as a gender-neutral pronoun to refer to the e-mail buddy.

Lee.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Lee.
Enjoyed the read, the piling up of, for me, baffling but entertaining non-sequiturs, the horror of being the person being addressed.
I'm not sure you've found the right order for the verses, just yet (it's not the most engaging of openings, and isn't L3 a question?), and the enjambment on 'by' (L11) is a bit grating. Also there are a couple of areas where it seems a bit over written (in addition to the one mac pointed out).

With that in mind, a tentative cut and paste.


I’m gonna smash this pub quiz. ...............................Sets the scene.
I’ve been reading up on Anglo-Norman history,
actually. I’m thinking about doing a degree.

I’ve got a new e-mail buddy.
They’re my biggest inspiration,
Unbelievable dedication to the manufacturing industry.
That’s who I want to be.
I love their hair colour.
New and modern,
A style never before seen. ..................... the 'before seen' seems like a different voice. You've also 'never seen' in the verse
And I’ve never seen anyone work a claw-machine like that.
There wasn’t a prize left in there by four-thirty.
Real raw passion that you just don’t get anywhere else.

There’s dust in your loft,
I thought you’d like to know.
Maybe get someone in? .................................... I'm starting to read it as a kind of 'dandruff euphemism'

A new glass-eye shop opened up
down the high-street.
I might take a look in there. No,
I don’t need one. And no I don’t already have one.
Both of mine are
biological. .................................... think you can get away with cutting this, it's strongly implied.
It just might be a nice ornament for my office, .......... the 'just might' is a bit weak (and you had 'might' already). It doesn't feel like it flows out of the preceding sentences.
like Christmas but even in July. .......................... are you missing an 'at' before Christmas?
It’ll go nice with that poster I got the other week.

My newsagent said it was 3 for 1 then charged me full price,
There’s a drought at the moment,
So I didn’t like to kick up a fuss.
I’m like a llama, really,
Because I always have the hump.
And I spit, occasionally. ...................... Has N mistaken a llama for a camel? Either way I think it's funnier if you leave the camelid hanging (as it were).

I’m taking a shot at expressing myself.
Michelle said I was too closed off.
That hurt, and I’ll prove her wrong
with a sharp stick.
It’s common saying, mate.
You should get out more.
I’ve taken up tennis recently.
It’s really transformed
The way I think. ............................ I think this is a stronger ending.


Regards, Not

.

[LeeOston]

Hi Not,

Thanks a lot for the thorough read, I'll take a good look at what you said and make some changes.
I do usually avoid hanging camelids, though.

Lee.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Lee,
like v2, it flows very nicely but I do wonder about some of the enjambments.

Unbelievable dedication
to the manufacturing industry.

And I’ve never seen anyone work a claw-machine
like that. There wasn’t a prize left in there
by four-thirty.

Real raw passion that you just don’t get anywhere else.
perhaps
Real raw passion, you just wouldn't get anywhere else. ?

My newsagent said it was 3 for 1
then charged me full price, ............ I think the speaker would leave a beat after 1 before delivering the punch line, so either the enjambment, a hyphen or em-dash, or even a lowly comma?

I might take a look. No,
I don’t need one. And I don’t already have one. ............ this still seems awkwardly phrased. Why 'and'?

Might be a nice ornament for my office, ....................... cut the 'might' you don't need it.


Other than that, may I suggest one small addition

actually. I’m thinking about doing a degree.

Did I tell you,
I’ve got a new e-mail buddy?

(ok two, leave an empty line after 'you should get out more')


Regards, Not

.