my prayer

[emmie]

My Prayer

Thunder Thunder over the tide
take me somewhere i can hide.

away from the glare and constant gloom,
to shadow me from pain and deliver me from doom,
away from opionons so bright and so bold,
away from shoulders so harsh and so cold,
away from the screams of these silent tears,
away from the despair that has been hidden for years,
away from the stampide of angry feet,
away from the souls i despise to meet,
away from this hurt so cruel and so sure,
away from this world with it's blood and it's gore,
words of evil have been written at the core.
away from this cruel world i can't seem to bare,
i've been held in torture and thrown in to despair.

Thunder Thunder over the skies,
hear my prayer and muffle my cries.

Amen.[/b]

[camus]

Well played for incorporating an opening and a closing couplet. This shows you approached the writing process as a whole, rather than random rants of lonliness and despair as you went along.

That said, the content inbetween does seem a random rant of cliched despair.

I'm guessing (not a wild stab in the dark) that you are of teenagae age?

Ask yourself - what would a reader enjoy about this poem? What would stay with them? What is original, or at least attempting to be original?

Questions Questions.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Emmie

You've got some nice images here that you could work on and some you could throw away. I liked the "Thunder Thunder" image too. An interesting image of God if that is what you had in mind - not a benevolent God.

Then it goes a little bit Dr Seuss, listy. Why not take some of those images and work on them.

e.g. screams of these silent tears

I'm betting you wouldn't have written some of the other lines if you weren't driven to make them rhyme. That's how it reads for me, anyway. Maybe a little predictable.

There are some other good things you could do. As I read it, I wonder what all this impending doom is. Why not got a lot deeper into one of those ideas and decribe it in detail. What is it that is threatening you?

And a little pick that is so easy to fix. Use your spell checker. Write it with a wordprocessor first and then cut and paste.

Anyway, thanks for letting us into your world just a little. Keep posting.

Cheers
Dave

[Jester]

Hi Emmie, and welcome. I thought this was great as your first post. I'm a picky swine when it comes to rhyming couplets - I always want them to meter equally. I've just removed some of the unnecessary "the", "of", and "so" words and sustituted odd words for their numbers of syllables. I don't know about lines 13, 14 and 15 - they seemed to be repeating some ground you'd already covered. If you don't like it, just ignore it - it's your poem and it's good of you to share it with us. Hope you enjoy yourself on here.

Thunder Thunder on the tide
take me somewhere i can hide.

away from glare and constant gloom,
deliver me from pain and doom,
away from judgements bright and bold,
away from shoulders harsh and cold,
away from screams of silent tears,
and from despair concealed for years,
away from stomps of angry feet,
away from souls I'd hate to meet,
away from hurt so cruel and sure,
and from this world of blood and gore.

Thunder Thunder over the skies,
hear my prayer and muffle my cries.

Cheers

Mick

[Macavity]

emmie,
Hope you are enjoying the writing experience. The next step maybe to try a poem without the tools of rhyme or repetition.

cheers

mac

[Jester]

Emmie. Mac's right. I never thought to offer that (sound) advice. It's great fun looking at other ways of making your poems interesting and it gives a new sense of freedom - you're able to use any word you like - it's boundless - try it