Ancient.

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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ton321
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Sat Mar 30, 2024 4:04 am

Take a walk on the outer walls
of that old city.
It’s Winter, getting dark,and the faces
of commuters are harried as gargoyles;

the ache of the day is still in us,
and you are still missing your pills.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
Macavity
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Sat Mar 30, 2024 6:57 am

ton321 wrote:
Sat Mar 30, 2024 4:04 am
Take a walk on the outer walls
of that old city.
It’s Winter, getting dark,and the faces
of gargoyles are harried;

the ache of the day is still in them,
and they are still missing their pills.
I wondered if you could suggest more about the inner state by tinkering with the perception?
jisbell00
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Sat Mar 30, 2024 2:58 pm

Hi Tony,

Yes, I like this one more than the last one. It has an organic unity to it.
I like "the ache of the day is still in us," though I might write with us.
Oh - I think there's a better title out there.

Cheers,
John
ton321
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Mon Apr 01, 2024 1:28 am

Thanks John
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
jisbell00
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Mon Apr 01, 2024 7:16 am

:)
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CalebPerry
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Mon Apr 01, 2024 6:36 pm

I didn't care for it the first time I read it, but the second time I found it lovely. I have to ease my brain into modern poetic logic the way one eases into a hot tub that is too hot.
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If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
ton321
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Sun Apr 07, 2024 1:56 am

Thanks Mac for the suggestion but sometimes lines just come to you. Once i get thinking about "inner perception" that's when it stops.

Not sure if it's modern poetry, Caleb, but glad you found something in it you liked( too hot lol)


Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.

Robert Graves
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