Falling (revised)

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Everyone! This is my first post on this forum, and I'm excited for constructive feedback. At first impression, this seems like a much more helpful and serious forum than others I've tried.
Thanks for your comments in advance!
Anna

Second Revision

She’s so tired of being broken
when she feels she should be fine.
Feels like she should never fall because
her life’s almost all flying—

So she swears with the foul mouth
that she’s always sworn to silence—
and she curses imperfection,
with a vitriolic violence.

She feels stupid. Even angry
and she wrestles with her wrath,
while her stream of self-aimed insults
mocks with sad, sarcastic laugh.

Till she wonders whether, really
she has no worth after all
Whether every joyful moment
was just set up for a fall.

But there’s hope—she will remember,
through steps forward and steps back.
Leaning on the arm of grace,
she’ll find her way to love the path.


Revision


You feel stupid. Even angry
and you wrestle with your wrath,
while your senseless stream of insults
mocks with sad, sarcastic laugh.

So you swear with that foul mouth
you always swore you’d never use—
curse the “criminal” imperfection
only when it’s found in you.

You’re so tired of being broken
when you feel you should be fine.
Feel like you should never fall because
your life’s almost all flying—

Till you wonder whether truth says that
you never fly at all,
whether wind that’s rushing past you is just
updraft from your fall.

But there’s hope—try to remember,
though it’s not a steady climb.
If you’re falling, you’ll be caught up
by a hand that says,

“You’re Mine”

With a love that’s stronger than the blow
of your most angry wind.
There’s a hand that’s there to catch you
so, my darling,
don’t give in.

--------------------


Original

You feel stupid. Are you angry?
Do you wrestle with your wrath?
Does your senseless stream of insults
mock with sad, sarcastic laugh?

Do you swear with that foul mouth
you always swore you’d never use—
curse the criminal imperfection
only when it’s found in you?

Are you tired of being broken
when, of course, everything’s fine?
Feel like you should never fall because
your life’s almost all flying—

Till you wonder if the truth is that
you never fly at all,
if the wind that’s rushing past you is just
updraft from your fall.

But there’s hope, though—don’t forget it
though it’s not in a straight line.
If you’re falling, you’ll be caught up
by a hand that says,

“You’re Mine”

With a love that’s bigger than the world
and power more than lightning.
There’s a hand that’s there to catch you
so, my darling, keep on fighting.

[Macavity]

Welcome to the forum Anna. Anger is an interesting behaviour, its source and consequences. It is one of those emotions that overrules reason and restraint. Perhaps it makes people feel alive, that their lives matter? The wrestle/wrath/laugh is a nice sonic thread.

Criminal? The word took me to a legal transgression rather than a human flaw.

I've commented on these aspects of the poem because they interested me.

Obviously other readers may find other hooks.

Best

Mac

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna,
enjoyed the read, though I found the rhetorical questions a bit wearisome (they feels a little patronising, and I don't think that sits with the openness of the poem.)

I think it goes a little awry towards the end:
the 'hope' that's 'not in a straight line' - is a puzzle,
the religious element that, in the final line, becomes much more intimate and maternal/paternal (successfully, I think),
and the conspicuously rhyme driven 'lightening/fighting'
Also, I'd include verse 4, I struggle to untangle that one (it's that hanging 'if'.)


Falling

You feel stupid. Are you angry?
Do you wrestle with your wrath?
Does your senseless stream of insults
mock with sad, sarcastic laugh?

Do you swear with that foul mouth
you always swore you’d never use—
curse the criminal imperfection
only when it’s found in you?
.................... I don't think these two verses offer the best opening. And apart from the 'do you swear ... ' question (which, for me, links to the voice in the final line) I'm not sure how much they are adding. Like lines 7-8.

Are you tired of being broken
when, of course, everything’s fine?
Feel like you should never fall because
your life’s almost all flying—
.................... I think this might be a better starting point (though I'm not sure about 'of course', hits the wrong note, for me) - it seems a more arresting question. Possibly even 'Aren't you tired of being broken?' ?

Till you wonder if the truth is that
you never fly at all,
if the wind that’s rushing past you is just
updraft from your fall.
.................... Maybe
Never wondering if the truth is that
you never fly at all,
that the winds that's rushing ...
?

But there’s hope, though—don’t forget it
though it’s not in a straight line.
If you’re falling, you’ll be caught up
by a hand that says,
.................... It's a niggle, but ... 'don't forget it' seems a little bit out of character. Perhaps
But there’s hope — try to remember
though it’s not in a straight line.
(and this way you avoid repeating 'though')

“You’re Mine”

With a love that’s bigger than the world
and power more than lightning.
There’s a hand that’s there to catch you
so, my darling, keep on fighting.
.................... I'm not religious, so that part rather passes me by, but, that said, wouldn't the ending be stronger if it were
so, my darling, keep on flying.

or even falling or climbing ? (What does 'fighting' have to do with 'falling'?)

If you are set on keeping the first two verses then perhaps they could follow 'updraft from your fall' (becoming verses 3 and four?)

Regards,
Not
.

[ray miller]

Hello Anna. Enjoyed the read, especially the 4th stanza, nice idea. Not so keen on the last 2 stanzas, reminded me of Sunday School.

You feel stupid. Are you angry?
Do you wrestle with your wrath?
Does your senseless stream of insults - should it be Do rather than Does?
mock with sad, sarcastic laugh? - feel like "hide" would be better than "mock" - hide a rueful, worried laugh, somrthing like that.

Do you swear with that foul mouth
you always swore you’d never use—
curse the criminal imperfection
only when it’s found in you?

Are you tired of being broken
when, of course, everything’s fine?
Feel like you should never fall because
your life’s almost all flying— - the metre is off in lines 2 and 4, so it feels forced

Till you wonder if the truth is that
you never fly at all,
if the wind that’s rushing past you is just
updraft from your fall.

But there’s hope, though—don’t forget it
though it’s not in a straight line.
If you’re falling, you’ll be caught up
by a hand that says,

“You’re Mine”

With a love that’s bigger than the world
and power more than lightning.
There’s a hand that’s there to catch you
so, my darling, keep on fighting.

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Thank you all for your comments! It's wonderful to be able to improve with your feedback.

Mac, I was trying to convey that it feels criminal to the perfectionist who is angry at herself for imperfections. I added quotes in the new version, does that help convey the point more clearly?

Not, thank you so much for picking this apart. I couldn't figure out how to rearrange the stanzas without losing the flow from "life's almost all flying" to the next stanza. I think you're right about the questions. They were different in my head, but they do read as patronizing. The new version has changes from several of your other comments as well.

Ray, I totally understand not loving those last two stanzas. The religious part is the point there; is it the concept that you don't enjoy, or is there a way I could make it feel less "churchy?"

Here's the new version!


You feel stupid. Even angry
and you wrestle with your wrath,
while your senseless stream of insults
mocks with sad, sarcastic laugh.

So you swear with that foul mouth
you always swore you’d never use—
curse the “criminal” imperfection
only when it’s found in you.

You’re so tired of being broken
when you feel you should be fine.
Feel like you should never fall because
your life’s almost all flying—

Till you wonder whether truth says that
you never fly at all,
whether wind that’s rushing past you is just
updraft from your fall.

But there’s hope—try to remember,
though it’s not a steady climb.
If you’re falling, you’ll be caught up
by a hand that says,

“You’re Mine”

With a love that’s stronger than the blow
of your most angry wind.
There’s a hand that’s there to catch you
so, my darling,
don’t give in.

[Macavity]

Hi Anna,

I have copied your revision into your original posting. This simple convention is used to allow readers to follow or respond to revisions (rather than search through threads). You will find the edit option within a posting (looks like a pen).

Thank you for explaining 'criminal', no need to use the quotes.

If you are interested in publishing religious work:

https://amethystmagazine.org/submissions/

Best

Mac

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna,
it's better without so many questions, but I think the same problems remain.

S1. Is there a way to make this a bit more particular? It doesn't feel like you're writing to/about a specific person.

S2. Might it make a bit more sense to start here, then go to S1?

S3. I can't reconcile lines one and two with three and four (I may just be slow on the uptake, but ... have you missed a step?) I can't 'square broken/should be fine' with 'should never fall because ... all flying'
What would happen if you changed the first line to
Aren't you tired of being broken
?

S4. I think 'truth' in a religious piece brings its own complications (and they're not needed here.)
Perhaps change the angle of approach?

Should you wonder, start to doubt
that you ever fly at all
that the wind that's rushing past you
is the updraft from your fall

then remember: There is hope
...

Is this fall in a theological sense?
And is N trying to remind the faller of their Faith, or say the should have Faith?

5. 'steady climb' isn't working, for me.
And how does a hand say anything at all?
Would something like this work?

But there’s hope—try to remember,
though it’s not a steady climb.
If you’re falling, you’ll be caught up
by the hand that's long held mine.

To be honest, I think any mention of hand in this verse should be cut, it undermines/pre-empts the final stanza.

6. I can't makes sense of 'With a ...' - why not

There's a love that’s stronger than the blow
of your most angry wind.
but 'angry wind' has too many unfortunately juvenile connotations.
It doesn't feel you've quite nailed the ending yet.
Just a thought

With a love that’s stronger than the _____
________________
There’s a hand that’s there to catch you
so, my darling,
fly, and fall.

(Still wondering if 'Fall' may be problematic in a Christian context )

Regards, Not

.

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Thanks Not, that's all helpful.

I've rearranged the stanzas, though it's the original third stanza first rather than the second.

It's still not very specific, but I think using third person makes that work a little better.

Thank you for pointing out the problematic nature of "fall." I didn't mean it as fall from grace, so adjusting that helped clarify the point.


Here's take 3!


She’s so tired of being broken
when she feels she should be fine.
Feels like she should never fall because
her life’s almost all flying—

So she swears with the foul mouth
that she’s always sworn to silence—
and she curses imperfection,
with a vitriolic violence.

She feels stupid. Even angry
and she wrestles with her wrath,
while her stream of self-aimed insults
mocks with sad, sarcastic laugh.

Till she wonders whether, really
she has no worth after all
Whether every joyful moment
was just set up for a fall.

But there’s hope—she will remember,
through steps forward and steps back.
Leaning on the arm of grace,
she’ll find her way to love the path.

[ray miller]

Good idea to be rid of the questioning opening. I still think the best part of the poem was the "updraft" section, so I wonder why you lost that.

[ton321]

Hi Anna

Good to see that you are revising your work, something I shamefully admit to almost never doing myself. Enjoyed the read. Nothing much to add except that the word "flying" in the the fourth line sounds/seems awkward-maybe use a word with 1 syllable rather than two to match the other 1 syllable word it rhymes with?
Tony

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna,
On the plus side the third person perspective brings some clarity to what you appear to be trying to achieve, and the final two lines are excellent (though should it be Grace?) but overall it lacks the immediacy of the earlier versions.

I don't understand how N is confidant that 'she will remember'.

Not a suggestion (necessarily) but me trying to understand, is this what S1 is saying?

She's so tired of being broken
exhausted by the lie, "I'm fine"
This child who always feels she's falling,
this child who was 'born to fly.'

Given how good the final line is (and it is) might it be worth revisiting 'flying'

Regards, Not

.

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Mac, I just saw your link to the Amethyst Review. Thanks so much!

Not, thanks again for the comments! I'm trying to get at the idea that her life looks really good and hopeful from the outside, so she feels like she shouldn't struggle. Maybe "flying" isn't the most clear analogy there.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Anna.

I'm trying to get at the idea that her life looks really good and hopeful from the outside, so she feels like she shouldn't struggle. Maybe "flying" isn't the most clear analogy there.

So, a gilded cage? Maybe really dig into that metaphor, describe the bars and locks etc,. with, ultimately, Faith being the key to her release. (That said, I'd still think it might be more impactful if it was about a specific individual, let that the more general emerged from that.)

Regards, Not

.