Body and Soul (revised)

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

I know the "where I'm from" concept isn't the most original, but it can be fun to play with!
I am definitely looking to improve this, so thanks for your comments in advance!
Anna

REVISION

My body is from birth.
From hospital bed and bassinet,
From baby books and building blocks,
From movie nights and mac and cheese,
and playing house and fleeing bees.

This seen me is from cozy things.
From curling up with cups of tea,
From comfort and camaraderie,
From reveling in long-ish books
and knotting yarn with crochet hooks,

My soul, though, is from hot sun.
From cracks of summer lightning in dry air
From coldest winds that bite my skin and soul,
From walking in the forest all alone
and my heartbeat keeping company in my ears.

I’m really from the mountains
From the wild and lonely, aching cry of elk,
The aching soles that bear a victorious soul,
The pounding of my heart’s drum in the air,
and the prayer that rides its rhythm upward home.


ORIGINAL

My body is from birth.
From hospital bed and bassinet,
From baby books and building blocks,
From movie nights and mac and cheese,
and playing house and fleeing bees.

This seen me is from cozy things.
From curling up with cups of tea,
From comfort and camaraderie,
From long-ish books and crochet hooks,
the sweetest ways to sit at ease.

My soul, though, is from summer sun.
From swift and somersaulting streams,
From soaring through a sapphire sky,
From sailing, soaked with salty seas,
and drifting, lazy, on hot breeze.

I’m really from the mountains.
From the wild and lonely, aching cry of elk,
The aching soles that bear a victorious soul,
The pounding of my heart’s drum in the air,
and the prayer that rides its rhythm upward home.

[camus]

Hey ABC,

I know the "where I'm from" concept isn't the most original,

You are right of course, but what is 'original' ? I guess it's taking age old tropes and forming them into your own voice (there is nothing original) I guess again that we are all aiming to find our own voice, that is the ultimate aim of poetry, otherwise what's the point? Progression, learning, even writing that single line that is yours alone, unique to you, is an overwhelming accomplishment, but I digress.

I thought your poem started really powerfully:

My body is from birth.
From hospital bed and bassinet,

Those plosive B sounds are great !

And:

This seen me is from cozy things

Is a great insightful line.

I would say though the rest of the poem maybe, just maybe? Is guided too much by rhyme, be it end lines or internal.

Did you ever think; what could rhyme with this? If you did, then that's letting rhyme guide the poem rather than thought or emotion or expression.

I would also say if you are to rhyme, then pick a rhyme scheme and stick to it, I can't see a regular rhyme scheme in your poem, but then again I'm not the one to critique that sort of thing!

Good to see you here though, look forward to more.

Cheers
Kris

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Kris!
Thanks for your feedback. You're right about the rhymes being a little forced and the irregular rhyme scheme. I was focusing more on the alliteration, but I'll give it another shot and post the update soon!

[ray miller]

I like alliteration but you can overdo it, you know. I notice that in the final stanza the occasional rhymes disappear altogether and the rhythm changes significantly too. Is that deliberate?

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Ray,
The rhyme became less important to me in the soul section, but I'm not sure why I kept it in that penultimate stanza. In the revision, I've ended the "Body" stanzas with a rhyme, and kept the alliterative focus, while the last two stanzas stray from those structures to create contrast between the "domesticated" and "wild" ideas.
Let me know what you think!

[ray miller]

Yes, I thought you were trying to differentiate the 2 sections stylistically. What's spoiling the last 2 stanzas for me is the repetition of soul and air.