Creaturely

[ton321]

x

[Macavity]

Sometimes she would spit
in her handkerchief
and use it to wipe my face

as she mopped up the imagined dirt
wipe by wipe
as if kneading love into me.

Her arthritic fingers
were strangely strong, and deft,
a wetness of vines.

I would be held in place
my face a grimace
one hand to hold me down.

Just Wiping the muck
she would say.

Enjoyed Tony, great idea for a poem, with some effective lines.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tony,
enjoyed the read, but it feels a bit like a sketch, wouldn't mind reading it fleshed out.

S1 Is there anything better than 'acrid' - it's a bit abstract. Could you be more specific?

S2. I think you might cut 'wipe by wipe' (not least because you quote her later using 'wiping'.)

S3. Like 'lively vipers' (but 'arthritic' seems clichéd. Is it necessary?)

S4.
I would be held in place
my face a grimace her's a mask
of concentration ...

I think the last two lines push too strongly towards abuse, and 'hastily' seems at odds with everything that came before.

S5. The quote opens a door to more, but then you don't go through. Do you need it?

Regards, Not

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[ray miller]

Good poem. I'd either change or lose wipe by wipe, too many wipes in the poem.

I would be held in place
my face a grimace
one hand to hold me down
the other hastily doing its business.

Don't think you need the 1st and the 3rd line, one of them would do.

[ton321]

Thanks Mac, Not, ray for the suggestions. I'll do another version soon. I see what you mean Not, about the last two lines-will change. It's one of those things that happen to you when you're a kid and when you're an adult and you look back and think wtf??
Tony

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tony,
I'm pretty sure I'd have been wtf-ing back then (if only I'd known what it meant.) My grandmother was the same, always reaching up her sleeve for a handkerchief.

Regards, Not

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