Only young he died.A small sting in his heart.
One small sting..HES GONE!It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter and always will be...
steve irwin
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Shepherdess
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 61
- Joined: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:10 pm
- Location: Leicestershire UK
Hi
Yes this Tragic death has tough people all over the world
I to shed tears at his Passing
Nice thought to write a poem I would develop it in to a full poem as a tribute .. just an idea
Karen
Yes this Tragic death has tough people all over the world
I to shed tears at his Passing
Nice thought to write a poem I would develop it in to a full poem as a tribute .. just an idea
Karen
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kozmikdave
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2185
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:36 am
- Location: Brisbane, Australia
Gidday
I have a suggestion which no-one seems to have picked up on. I had a little trouble with reading this because the punctuation was dire. All it takes is a little proof-read and make sure it looks good. At the moment it looks as though you have just scribbled it down and not bothered to present it as a serious piece. That makes old bores like me a bit prejudiced, so we don't look for anything deep in the poem. Without changing any words, this could be a lot better. Example:
Only young he died. A stingray in his heart.
One small sting... HES GONE! It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter and always will be....
or break the ideas apart a little for us.
Only young he died.
A stingray in his heart.
One small sting...
HES GONE!
It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter...
and always will be.
Generally, there should be a CAPITAL LETTER at the start of a sentence and a FULL STOP at the end. The STOP should be followed by TWO SPACES (whereas a COMMA is folloed by ONE SPACE). Neither should have a space before. Where you trail the sentence using 3 dots, make it 3 dots inside a sentence and 4 dots at the end. You will see many poets break some of these rules by taking all the punctuation out when they want to create a certain effect.
Then I would change some of the lines to read what you mean to say. For example:
He died so young.
A sting through his heart.
One small sting... (think about changing one "sting" to "barb" or "spear" or similar)
HES GONE!
It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter...
and always will be.
They are not big changes but I think it improves it. Karen might be right. You could extend this. But I think it was an emotional response and you wrote what had to come out. I did the same. It would be difficult to recapture that sadness and anger to turn this into an epic.
I like it because it is simple and heart-felt.
Keep posting
Cheers
Dave
I have a suggestion which no-one seems to have picked up on. I had a little trouble with reading this because the punctuation was dire. All it takes is a little proof-read and make sure it looks good. At the moment it looks as though you have just scribbled it down and not bothered to present it as a serious piece. That makes old bores like me a bit prejudiced, so we don't look for anything deep in the poem. Without changing any words, this could be a lot better. Example:
Only young he died. A stingray in his heart.
One small sting... HES GONE! It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter and always will be....
or break the ideas apart a little for us.
Only young he died.
A stingray in his heart.
One small sting...
HES GONE!
It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter...
and always will be.
Generally, there should be a CAPITAL LETTER at the start of a sentence and a FULL STOP at the end. The STOP should be followed by TWO SPACES (whereas a COMMA is folloed by ONE SPACE). Neither should have a space before. Where you trail the sentence using 3 dots, make it 3 dots inside a sentence and 4 dots at the end. You will see many poets break some of these rules by taking all the punctuation out when they want to create a certain effect.
Then I would change some of the lines to read what you mean to say. For example:
He died so young.
A sting through his heart.
One small sting... (think about changing one "sting" to "barb" or "spear" or similar)
HES GONE!
It tore MY heart apart.
He was the croc hunter...
and always will be.
They are not big changes but I think it improves it. Karen might be right. You could extend this. But I think it was an emotional response and you wrote what had to come out. I did the same. It would be difficult to recapture that sadness and anger to turn this into an epic.
I like it because it is simple and heart-felt.
Keep posting
Cheers
Dave
Short and sweet...I agree with the aforementioned comments. Nice sentiments!