My Pet

[starlight]

I begged my Mother
I needed a pet.
I was so lonely,
Lets go to the the vet.
Mabye even a dog or a cat,
but now we're to poor for that.

I got my pet slipper,
it's not that bad.
I named him after someone who died ,
I named him Dad.

[calxaed]

Awww, sweet.
Needs a bit of a proof read.

I begged mummy, (Mummy)

Lets go to the the vet!! (Let's go to the vet)
It's usually not a good idea to double exclamation marks, in fact you should probably avoid them altogether, let the language and the rhythmn do the emphasising for you.

Mabye even a dog or a cat,
but now were to poor for that. (we're)

For me the rhyme here doesn't work because the rhythm as I read it leaves 'for that' unstressed, end rhymes have to match from the last stressed syllable of the line, which for me is 'poor'. That's a bit subjective though.
its not that bad. (it's)

The rhyme in the last stanza works fine.
The tone is obviously deliberately childlike, and that fits with your theme, but because of it the depth of emotion is a bit limited and sentimental. Maybe try to look with a more adult point of view.

Cal

[Kina_420_13]

awww... omg.. when i first started reading this i thought it was going to be a cute little poem i could giggle about... but then it got sad and it was a shocking surprise.. i like it. good job.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Starlight

Quick, fix the spelling/grammar. What a black, cutesy, little poem. I had to struggle through the errors to get the full impact, but a great little knockout punch at the end. The rhythm was a bit awkward too but it works pretty well for me.

Cheers
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Starlight,

Thanks for the laugh.

The penultimate line should be
"I named him AFTER....."

Geoff