My heart cant take the pain
Thinking as the tears drain
Memories flood my mind
Thought life might be kind
I was wrong, here i sit
Emotions' torches lit
My missory speaking one sound
As my tears flood the ground
Wimpering as i cry
I have no reason to die
Only to continue my life
Losen my grasp on the knife
I used to cut my thinning flesh
Wanting to start over fresh
Never to use the metallic metal
Instead rip out each petal
Everytime I think of death
Remember my brother and seth
Lay the petals on the floor
Fix the heart that i tore
Piece together the puzzle as one
Life isn't quite done
(is this at all better than "He Broke My Heart"?)
Life Isn't Done
-
Kina_420_13
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2006 10:46 pm
- Location: Waupaca, Wisconsin
- Contact:
First of all, welcome. I know you're a few posts into it but I don't think we've met. As much as one can over the internet.
I actually thought, in terms of the rhyming, that "He Broke My Heart" was better. Part of the reason, though, is the rhyming scheme -
"He Broke my Heart"
---a
---b
---a
---b
"Life Isn't Done"
----a
----a
----b
----b
Putting the rhymes so close together is really hard to do.
But something you might want to avoid in both poems are certain words or phrases. They tend to be used so much, and they have so much baggage. A big one is "Life" in the title of this poem. Everyone leads their own "life" and has their idea as to what the meaning and experience of "life" is. "Life" is done for many people I know, for example.
There's also stuff like "heart" "tears" "pain" "death" "flesh" "petals," etc., that kind of has the same problem There is nothing wrong with any of the words per se, but there are better ways to say things that aren't so general.
For example I can say "the boy is sad" or I can say,
the boy has a papercut
the boy is grounded,
the boy is on medication,
the boy just had his leg amputated
the boy's dog just died,
the boy's mother just died,
the boy is about to commit suicide
and these all vary in degrees, even though "the boy is sad" would cover all those emotions.
In the same way, your poem doesn't seem to specify just as "the boy is sad" doesn't, so it's hard to relate to.
Personally, I think a much better poem would come about if you wrote about the situation that actually brought forth the emotions you're trying to write about. What happened to make you feel so thoughtful of life and death?
Keep it up,
- Caleb
I actually thought, in terms of the rhyming, that "He Broke My Heart" was better. Part of the reason, though, is the rhyming scheme -
"He Broke my Heart"
---a
---b
---a
---b
"Life Isn't Done"
----a
----a
----b
----b
Putting the rhymes so close together is really hard to do.
But something you might want to avoid in both poems are certain words or phrases. They tend to be used so much, and they have so much baggage. A big one is "Life" in the title of this poem. Everyone leads their own "life" and has their idea as to what the meaning and experience of "life" is. "Life" is done for many people I know, for example.
There's also stuff like "heart" "tears" "pain" "death" "flesh" "petals," etc., that kind of has the same problem There is nothing wrong with any of the words per se, but there are better ways to say things that aren't so general.
For example I can say "the boy is sad" or I can say,
the boy has a papercut
the boy is grounded,
the boy is on medication,
the boy just had his leg amputated
the boy's dog just died,
the boy's mother just died,
the boy is about to commit suicide
and these all vary in degrees, even though "the boy is sad" would cover all those emotions.
In the same way, your poem doesn't seem to specify just as "the boy is sad" doesn't, so it's hard to relate to.
Personally, I think a much better poem would come about if you wrote about the situation that actually brought forth the emotions you're trying to write about. What happened to make you feel so thoughtful of life and death?
Keep it up,
- Caleb
