As we lie in our bed it becomes quite apparent,
like the first one to a million, with Chris Tarrent,
Soon i'll need a telescope to see inside your head,
You pass me the silent remix, as we lie hear in our bed.
The double album silence, just £12.99,
Turn up the volume, that last sigh was divine,
I prefer it wearing headphones I can pick up the disgust,
in your silent treatment, against which I can't protest
Dropping Silent Science
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi and Welcome to the Forum.
Please play the game and read the rules:
http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2605
Cheers
Geoff
Please play the game and read the rules:
http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2605
Cheers
Geoff
Hi parkster, I like this:
As we lie in our bed it becomes quite apparent,
I'd suggest reshuffling this to end the line on: 'lie in our bed' for more impact
like the first one to a million, with Chris Tarrent,
this line didn't make sense to me through lack of knowledge, maybe it could be made accessible to a wider audience?
Soon i'll need a telescope to see inside your head,
You pass me the silent remix, as we lie hear in our bed.
Is 'hear' intentionally mispelt? I didn't like it (but maybe its just me!)
The double album silence, just £12.99,
Turn up the volume, that last sigh was divine,
I really liked hearing description about the 'sigh', this was the highlight for me
I prefer it wearing headphones I can pick up the disgust,
the 'disgust' is hard for me to imagine, I'd prefer description similar to the 'sigh' to set the mood
in your silent treatment, against which I can't protest
The poem sounded prosey to me, maybe it could be condensed to give it a more poetic feel. Id work on cutting out some of the personal pronouns. I liked the message though, thought that it was clever in parts, and that the scene was nicely set. Thanks for sharing.
As we lie in our bed it becomes quite apparent,
I'd suggest reshuffling this to end the line on: 'lie in our bed' for more impact
like the first one to a million, with Chris Tarrent,
this line didn't make sense to me through lack of knowledge, maybe it could be made accessible to a wider audience?
Soon i'll need a telescope to see inside your head,
You pass me the silent remix, as we lie hear in our bed.
Is 'hear' intentionally mispelt? I didn't like it (but maybe its just me!)
The double album silence, just £12.99,
Turn up the volume, that last sigh was divine,
I really liked hearing description about the 'sigh', this was the highlight for me
I prefer it wearing headphones I can pick up the disgust,
the 'disgust' is hard for me to imagine, I'd prefer description similar to the 'sigh' to set the mood
in your silent treatment, against which I can't protest
The poem sounded prosey to me, maybe it could be condensed to give it a more poetic feel. Id work on cutting out some of the personal pronouns. I liked the message though, thought that it was clever in parts, and that the scene was nicely set. Thanks for sharing.