beam

[sinisterevilness]

beam

come and sense the flash
of the ghoul’s hidden passion
sunburnt skin

painted ashen fresh shapes follow
the dusk the bulbs
in our streets surrounded by insects

await the child’s fooling around
some guy’s flicker
this dawn shines creepy

[kozmikdave]

Welcome on board, Dr Evil

A very thought-provoking poem. I am wondering about some of the points in it however. A few questions....

You chose not to punctuate. Why? (It needs it for slow people like myself.) Not all poetry needs it, but I think this one does.

painted ashen fresh shapes follow
the dusk...

this dawn shines creepy

Are you talking about dusk or dawn? There is not a lot of sense of time between the two.

The poem at times, reminded me of a time lapse film clip with its flashes and flickers, but at other times, a night scene inhabited by night people rather than those who seek the sun.

the bulbs
in our streets surrounded by insects

Why not go for something like moths (motten) or swarms?

I think they would work better with "ashen fresh shapes". Insects is too generic, IMO.

Overall, I like the images you have created, but you could take more advantage of the language to take it to the next level.

Thanks for posting
Dave

[k-j]

I really like the rhyme of "flash" / "passion" / "ashen".

Not sure that the sunburn fits in. I thought ghouls avoided the sun.

There are some quite creepy images here - the bulbs surrounded by insects, "some guy's flicker". Very suburban slasher, "Halloween" type of vibe.

I agree with Dave, you need to punctuate and perhaps make things a little clearer.

[twoleftfeet]

Bulbs surrounded by insects - is that people walking under street-lights?

await the child’s fooling around
some guy’s flicker

- sounds suitably twisted, given your monicker.
I'm presuming flicker is some kind of slang...

Intriguing, but enigmatic.
Geoff (Twosinisterfeet)

[AshleyD]

I thought this was good:

beam

come and sense the flash
(this line seems too ordinary when compared to the rest)
of the ghoul’s hidden passion
sunburnt skin

painted ashen fresh shapes follow
(3 adjectives to one noun is way too many for me)
the dusk the bulbs
in our streets surrounded by insects
(I adore this line! perhaps it would do better towards the beginning?)

await the child’s fooling around
some guy’s flicker
(these two lines seem too vague)
this dawn shines creepy

I have some points:

-I think the poem needs more action verbs to carry it.
-I also feel a need for punctuation
-I'd suggest paying more attention to chronological order of events
-I like the ghoulish originality of the poem

Thanks for sharing,
Ashley.